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Welcome to Pivot Parenting, where we help parents of teens overcome regret and disappointment to find peace and connection in every situation. I'm Heather Frazier, your parenting expert. Journey with me to discover effective parenting tips, improve family relationships, and build a brighter future for your kids.

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And of course, as always, if you want me to discuss a  topic for you, send it to me, email me, DM me, however you can find me. I'm on Instagram and Facebook, and I also have an email list that I have to say. I give really phenomenal tiny little chewy bites of goodness once a week. And my pen pals are the first to know about summits that I'm speaking at.

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It's easy to get on my email list, heatherfraser. com, scroll to the bottom, give me your first name and your email, done. And then you will always be in the know because sometimes on social media or here on the podcast we miss  things. , but if I send it to your email, it's harder to miss juicy details.

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I was just looking through different Facebook groups and this mom was fighting with her son because of his hair. She needed his haircut and he was a legal adult and didn't want his haircut and that's what they were fighting over.  So, I know that this topic is really relevant because it sabotages what parents really want.

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In one simple way played out for me is when one of my kids was in early adolescence, I would ride  them so hard because of their hygiene, their teeth, their greasy hair, it just drove me bananas. And I was essentially ruining our relationship because I couldn't handle how dirty their hair was. This is an exact example of me thinking that them not knowing how to properly wash their hair or having a desire to do so is more significant

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So short term compliance isn't the goal. Long term skills that teens  actually need is the goal. And when we engage in power struggles, it becomes a power struggle instead of teaching, mentoring, loving. And so we really want to avoid power struggles. And I have a whole podcast on power struggles. I don't know if you know this, but.

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struggle, and it will come up. With all of the podcasts and materials that I have for you on the topics that you are currently struggling with. So let's dive right in. I'm going to break our episode down into three sections. The first section is the trap of short term  wins. The second section is what your teen really needs.

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But I'm here to tell you that that is a lie because I have a kid like that. And those are actually, sometimes, not always, sometimes they are good, but parents just make the assumption if it looks good, then it is good. No, they can be struggling with anxiety,  depression, uh, self harm, all kinds of crazy things, and They're doing all the right things.

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Another thing about these short term wins is that oftentimes Parents are showing up in fear, frustration, wanting to control, and it can feel really productive, but it's not, again, when we zoom out and look at the big picture. I want you to take a second and be honest with yourself. What do I want with my child a year from now, five years from now, when they have a family of their  own?

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And they're like, I don't know. And we give them like 50 bajillion options.  Does this ever happen to you? It happens to me almost every morning with my youngest. Do you want banana bread that I just baked?

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Like, I just want the stinkin laundry basket. out of the room. And so I  eventually take it upstairs because my kid doesn't do it. And we have to be really careful, to not infantilize our child. And the root word of that is infant, and it is putting on infancy to our child. It is essentially, and they're complicit in this oftentimes because they know secretly that if I don't do it, mom eventually will.

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I say, great. Well, there's options in the fridge.  Figure it out. And then that's it. I just say, huh, okay. And then when I'm making up my grocery order, I'll pass my phone around and I'll say any food that you want. To take to school or snacks, breakfast, put it in the cart. And then they are responsible to put their favorite cereal or protein bar or whatever it is into the cart so that they can decide what they want to eat for breakfast and help themselves.

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The longterm result of infantilizing our kids is oftentimes they can push back and rebel. They can resent us because they don't have autonomy or Probably worst of all, they become completely dependent on us. They bite into the lie that they are incapable of doing things on their own. The trap of short term wins, we have  consequences day of and we have consequences in the long road.

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But what they are doing and how they're performing is more important to  you. It is a form of objectification, which I have a whole podcast on how we objectify our kids. It's one of my most favorite podcasts, if you want to search that one as well, but when we feel objectified, like my own, my mom only likes me when I do my chores or when I don't have any late assignments, completely destroys long term trust, communication, connection.

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And so we really need to be mindful of this trap of thinking that the short term wins are where we need to focus. Yes, it is important to teach and model healthy skills for our kids, but that is not the point of why we have kids or why we are parenting them. Hi there. I just want to pause and let you know if you are struggling to make sense of your teen's behaviors, emotions are running wild and you're looking to turn things around to have the family you dreamed of while rocking them to sleep. I  would love to talk to you. I want to give you a special powerful gift.

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So what does your team really need? Let's talk about the second portion of this episode. They don't need more reminders, lectures, threats, rescuing. They need life skills. They need you to mentor them on how to emotionally regulate, to problem  solve, to foster independence and self trust, they need you. To not worry about the little things so that you can help them manage what is going on within them.

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And so one of the things is their neural pathways are exponentially gaining volume. In so many ways, and so when they have a lot of emotions, they literally have  more emotions coursing through their brains and bodies than adults do because that growth spurt has ended for us. And so for us to be upset.

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And as a parent, we need to learn how to emotionally regulate ourselves so that we can stay calm in these moments and we can teach them whether it's breathing skills, how to move your body in productive ways, understanding your emotions, all those different things. Number two is problem solving skills, learning how to navigate  obstacles without you.

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Any of those kind of things. Essentially, we are taking a passenger role instead of the driving role in their life. And eventually, we won't even be in the car, we'll just be cheering them on. And then we  need to help them foster independence and self trust. Some kids naturally gravitate toward Some kids naturally gravitate toward independence.

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It's too detailed and too intricate and personalized to really go into a podcast. But. It is possible to model this and help foster this within your kid. If we only focus on the short term compliance, you miss out on teaching your kid how to manage their own  responsibilities without nagging, how to self regulate when things get hard, and how to trust themselves and their decisions.

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Alright, so that is what your teen  really needs. And sometimes it's not what we need, at least not the part of us that just wants an easy life. But again, when we can look at the big picture of what we really need, what we truly desire, a feeling connected, peaceful, having a close relationship with them, knowing that we're doing our best, they do align.

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and fraught with opinion. So, I always  suggest to choose that you're successful. You're doing an amazing job and your kid is amazing and successful. And yeah, there might still be dishes and they might be flunking biology. You can still choose to reframe it as success. And we do this by asking yourself, am I raising?

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Focus on teaching skills instead of compliance. Step number two is to let go of control and build influence  instead. That means throwing out the checklist and fostering a real relationship. Stop micromanaging, let them experience natural consequences, build trust and connection so that they come. to you because they know that you are safe before things really get bad.

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His friend had committed suicide and his behavior a year later is still related to that. And it's heartbreaking, but it's important to know. Your kid isn't lazy. They're not disrespectful. There's  something else going on. They're overwhelmed. They're scared. They're unsure. They're anxious. They're having thoughts themselves that are scary to them.

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If you're constantly stressed and reactive. And you can't manage and calm yourself and self soothe in healthy ways. That's the example that we're setting for our kids. And again, there's something going on for you that needs addressing. And we all have these things.  Not all of us are cool as a cucumber 24 seven.

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That's our work to be done. And when we do our work, we model for them. How to emotionally regulate and how to love themselves and apply compassion to themselves, which is one of the best skills that we can teach other people. We want to show them how to handle hard things without losing our minds. And this is how they learn to self regulate and take accountability, is  through our example.

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It is actually a sign of strength and our kids need  us to model that. So wrapping things up, the biggest mistake parents make is focusing on obedience. Versus growth, connection, unconditional love. And we do this subconsciously because of our lens and what we were taught was important and what would provide safety.

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But we do not have to be the product of our circumstances. Because we have a really great tool  called a brain and we can use that brain to see ourselves clearly and to choose different and to change patterns and to heal wounds. We all have wounds and we all have unhealthy patterns. It's not a problem.

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So that five, 10 year goal, it's going to happen. And less stress, fewer battles, more peace at home. We have to let go of the long, the short game in order to win the long game. The irony is, is that when we focus on the long game, that short term game,  because our kids love us so much and they feel so connected to us, they will ask, hey, do you need help making dinner?

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Heather is the one, an expert in the field. She knows her parenting stuff, including how  confusing it can be. You've tried it all, and it's a lost cause. Crying in the closet cause you failed at being a mom. But think again, there's peace around the corner. And there's hope in your hands Your kid just wants your love and you want it from them So take a pivot in the right step Through pivot parenting you can