Welcome to Pivot Parenting, where we help parents of teens overcome regret and disappointment to find peace and connection in every situation. I'm Heather Frazier, your parenting expert. Journey with me to discover effective parenting tips, improve family relationships, and build a brighter future for your kids.
This past week, two of my kids. In my interpretation basically told me, they thought I was stupid. Again, my interpretation. They both. Said that's not what they think. Uh, but I took my son to the airport to fly back to China where he's attending college. , I asked if he wanted to go to lunch and he kind of blew me off. I asked him if he'd be home for dinner.
And so we are with this episode of pick me parenting. Several months ago. My youngest, we're watching a show or something and she's like, oh, that girl is such a pick me girl. And I was like, what do you mean? Pick me girl. She's like, oh, she just wants the boys to pick her, like in it's so desperate.
I lived in Pennsylvania a while ago.
So we do it less. Because number two, we're going to recognize the harm. That these habits are causing their nice. And then number three, we're going to learn what to do instead. To having more authentic relationship with our kids. Are you ready? Let's do this. Number one. How do identify harmful parenting habits of seeking validation?
And when that parent doesn't feel validated when they feel like the parent that isn't loved as much. Compared to their counterpart or just generally. It can sound very passive, aggressive. When they talk to their kid. Something along the lines of, I guess I'm just not as cool as your friends or I'm just not as fun as your dad. I know I'm boring. Remember when you love me so much and wanted to do everything with me.
Seeking validation from your kid. Is essentially any action or withholding of an action. Based on the desire to get them to show you love affection validation of any kind to feel good, successful, needed, valuable, worthwhile.
It's your turn to use the car this weekend, dear daughter, but we both know that your sister gets upset. So can you just please help me manage her by getting a ride tonight? So that she can use the car, even though it's not a, her night.
Then the mom leaves.
My friend, when another person needs another person to feel good. They tend to emotionally strangle and smother their loved ones in that effort to get what they need.
They can't have both. These parents said their kids up to resent their parents. They groom them for abusive relationships when their team feels that it's their job to keep their parents happy. And eventually their partner happy at their own expense.
When we want or need them to like us and we make it their duty. Or else we've failed. We're not good. Nobody likes us. We're putting them in a corner that they cannot win. They're forced to choose to yield their authenticity. Which is maybe showing disinterest or behaving how they feel most comfortable. Or else they for. Or else they face our disappointment. At best and manipulation or abuse. At worst.
It enables an authentic relationship with my kid. I just have to clean up my side of the street. This is where a coach or professional. Really comes in handy because they can help you clean all of that up. We do not want to give our kid a job that they never asked for.
Creature. That just was all encompassing, all wise, all loving and like, I loved it. And then last week he didn't want to hang granted. We went out to family dinner. You know, a couple of nights before.
Hi there. I just want to pause and let you know if you are struggling to make sense of your teen's behaviors, emotions are running wild and you're looking to turn things around to have the family you dreamed of while rocking them to sleep, I would love to talk to you. I want to give you a special, powerful gift.
Very simple. My business versus their business. Your emotions. Like wanting to feel loved, valued, important, significant are for you to understand.
If we don't fix this ourselves, it's kind of like drugs in the sense that when we do get a hit, when our teen does pick us, It feels really, really good. And we love it. But it satiates for only a short time, and then we need more of it. And we need larger quantities to get the same kind of hit. Whereas if we just fill the void ourselves, it's a little more work up front. But we have this giant reserve that never runs out.
A school is getting started. About how we each had one of our kids. In high school feel excluded this past week in very blunt ways.
We can model for them. How it works to allow people their space. And I know that that seems. Way to oversimplified. Where I have to deal with my emotions. And we're modeling for them, how to deal with their emotions and how to be a nice human. No, I will say this past week when some of my kids.
I had to say to one of them. Like, that's not nice. When I'm talking to you and you just look at me and walk out of the room and not say anything. I understand that you're mad. And I understand if you need to cool off. But then you say, Hey, I can have this conversation right now. I need to have a break. And so, because I wasn't sulking feeling bad. That she was just unkind to me. That she didn't pick me that she didn't want to be with me, that she didn't even want to talk to me. I could then model for her healthy communication. Because let's be honest. We love our kids and we put up with more of their crap than probably anybody else in their life. And so we need to do them the favor of saying, Hey. If you talk like that 20 year friends, they might not want to be your friend anymore.
So here's my one action that I want you to try out. And it's a tool that another coach taught me and it seems a little bit silly, but it actually really works in getting our brain to break unhelpful cycles. On our own. Again, if you're doing this a lot, I highly recommend reaching out to me. To a therapist, to another coach, whomever you're most comfortable with. To get help. In switching up these habits because it really does destroy any authenticity. In the relationship that you have with your kid. But what my coach friend shared with me, one of her tools that she shared with me. Is to physically put your hands out in front of you.
To recognize. How you are falling victim to your brain, telling you the most painful story imaginable. Our brain always goes to worst case scenario. Your kid doesn't like you, they think you suck. You're stupid. You should just go to your room and cry. Something along those lines is what our brains typically tell us. It's a lie. So I want you to show your brain. How that worst case, most painful story. Is probably not true. Then I want you to imagine best case scenarios. And you can get as creative as possible.
Choose to see. How them not choosing to validate you in the way that you want. Has more or 100% to do with them. And not you. They're uncomfortable in this situation.
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