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Welcome to the Communicate and Connect podcast for Milit

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Relationships with your host, Elizabeth Polinsky, a

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military marriage counselor. If this is your first time listening to

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the Communicate and Connect podcast, please take a second to go, rate,

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We also really want to know what it is you love about our podcast. And

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Hey everyone, welcome back to the Communicate and Connect

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podcast. This is episode 30 on

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relationship communication skills.

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So, as you are probably aware, we have been doing

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a series on getting ready for marriage. And

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this started with a wedding photographer reaching out to

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me, asking me for. For some of

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kind of like my best tips, things that I thought were really foundational for

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couples when they were preparing to get married or with their

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brand, like newly married, you know, kind of brand new to marriage,

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and what are things that they can do to set their relationship up for

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success early on. And so we're going to continue on in that

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series today, and this is going to be about relationship

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skills. As I was prepping for this episode, I was thinking

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about how there are these times with my

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husband where I can really zone out and get lost in my own

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thoughts. And I'm sure plenty of you can relate. This is such a

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human thing to do. Most people will zone out and get lost in their

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thoughts at some point. But there are also times where this happens and

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he is, like, directly talking to me.

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I'll. I'll even respond to him. So he'll be directly talking to

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me. He'll respond, I'll respond and I'll say, mm. But then I don't have a

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clue what he just told me and I don't remember what he said.

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And so in those moments, this happened kind of recently.

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So in those moments, I have taken the route of

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just trying to be very honest that I zoned out and

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asking him if he can repeat what he just said.

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And that is, you know, not always

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fun. And it's not always. I don't feel like super awesome

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about myself in those moments, you know, to say, like, yeah,

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I know I said mm, yeah, to whatever you said,

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but I zoned out And I just didn't. I didn't get the message. Can you

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repeat it? Like, that's not really a fun thing to admit and tell your

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partner, But I'm really glad that I do because it

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allows us to come back to that conversation and

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repair. There are times where my husband does this also,

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and there are times where I have to ask him to

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refocus his attention or ask him if

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he did hear what I said. And this is

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pretty normal, again, for people to do at times to zone

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out. And those are. Those are time points

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where it's possible for a fight to start. I

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think that is a moment in pretty much every

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couple relationships where a fight could start because one

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partner could say, why aren't you paying attention to

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me? Put. Put your phone down. Or I can't believe you

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weren't paying attention. Why did you say yes, yes

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to my question when you didn't even hear me? That is a moment where there

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could be a fight. And so what is it that

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you. What are skills. What are communication skills to do

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in moments where you could have a fight? And

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that is what we're going to talk about today. So

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in getting ready for marriage or if you're newly

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married, the number one thing that I think can be

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helpful, maybe it's not number one, because I

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think I've said that every episode on this show so far,

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like the number one thing. One of the main things that will

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be helpful getting started out is to

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learn communication skills. And these are

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skills that you can learn that you can practice over and over and over again.

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And it may feel awkward, especially at the beginning while you're learning

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them, but then as you do it, it becomes more

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natural. The skills that I think are pretty important for

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learning at the very beginning would be active

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listening skills, empathy, like building up

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your ability to have empathy, negotiating, and

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conflict resolution. So let's talk about each of those four

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real fast. So active listening skills

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involve not multitasking. You know, most of

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the time when I say mm to my

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husband, and then I have to go back and say, actually, yeah, I didn't. I

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didn't get anything you just said. Or I'm

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usually multitasking during those times. And the times

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where my husband seems out of it and I have to say,

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did you catch anything I just said? Those are usually

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times where I'm asking him to multitask.

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Actually, those would be times where his attention is focused elsewhere, and

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then I'm coming and interrupting him. That's usually what happens. But the

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idea of this is that multitasking means that we're going to miss

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things. None of us are super great at

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multitasking. And so

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learning to pause when your partner is

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talking and redirect your attention

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and not multitask while you guys are interacting

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is part of active listening. Another part of

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active listening would be to repeat back what you heard your partner

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say to make sure you got what they said and

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you understood it correctly. And there are times where I'll have couples

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practice this in my office in couples counseling,

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because oftentimes we all feel like

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we're speaking very clearly, but the message is

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not getting across to my partner, and my partner is getting a totally

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different message. And so repeating

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back what you heard gives your partner

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a chance to sort of, like, correct any

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misinformation that came up. If you didn't quite get the message, they

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can clarify it for you. And then you guys make sure you're on

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the same page with, okay, did the message I was trying to

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send, is that actually the message that was received? And if so,

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then we can go from there and continue on in the conversation. But so

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often I see issues with communication and couples

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happen because they didn't get clarity about what what was

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meant in the message to begin with. So

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repeating back what you heard your partner say and getting clarity on that

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is going to be helpful. That's one skill of active

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listening. Another skill that you can learn

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is mindfulness, which is really about keeping

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my attention in place, keeping my attention where

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I want my attention to be in that moment. And this also has

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to do with not multitasking. So if I can learn

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to pause what I'm doing and redirect my

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attention, so that way my attention is fully on my partner in that

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moment, then I will more

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likely be able to take in what they're saying and actually hear the message

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that they're trying to say, and less likely to

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misinterpret what they're saying. So active listening skills, all

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of that goes into active listening. Another

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set of skills that I think is really important to learn at the

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beginning of a marriage is finding your empathy.

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We all need to know that our partners care about how we

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feel and care about what we're going

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through and our life experiences. And so one way

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to develop empathy, and some people

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are more naturally stronger at this than others, but

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one way to develop empathy is to get really curious about

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your partner's experience, Ask them questions,

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ask them what they feel, what they think,

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what is making them think or feel the way that they think

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or feel, how Are they making sense of what they're going through in

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life? You can also start building up

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empathy by becoming more aware of your own thoughts

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and feelings. The more empathy I can develop for myself,

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then it's often easier to also

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develop empathy for other people. Part of

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developing empathy is also letting go of

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judgment and judgmentalness. So

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one of my favorite sayings is

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that feelings are a fact. Because oftentimes I'll hear

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couples say, well, I disagree. And I'll ask them,

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like, what is it that they disagree about? Because there is no way to

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disagree with how my partner is feeling.

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How they feel. Their emotional experience is

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a fact. I might disagree with

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a rationale behind something, but I cannot disagree with

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a feeling because the feeling is the fact. And

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so developing that curiosity

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about their emotional experience. Help me understand

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how you feel this way. Help me understand what it is that

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you're actually feeling can help build

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up empathy. And then you can

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also think about trying to imagine what it would be

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like for you. Sort of like being in your partner's shoes, type of

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thing. Imagine what it would be like to feel what your partner is

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feeling. And that can also help build up a sense of

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empathy. The third skill or set

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of skills is around negotiating. And

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so we've covered this a little bit in this podcast already. You can go

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Back to episode 26, which is on decision making in

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relationships. And that is a big component

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of negotiating. But generally you want to try to find a middle ground.

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And some people do this by thinking

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about how important is this thing

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to you versus your partner.

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And that is one way to sort of

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find a middle ground. Like, if it's really important to you, it's not important

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to me, then let's go with what you want. And

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then, you know, if something else is really important to me, but

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you don't really care, then we'll go with what I want. That's one way that

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people negotiate. Another way is by taking

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turns on things. So there. There are

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lots of ways to navigate that

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negotiation, but that is a whole set of skills that you could

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learn. Part of

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what is happening when people get stuck in

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negotiation. So let's say something

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matters a lot to both of us. It matters a lot,

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a lot to both of us. There's not really. It's really hard to find a

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middle ground. What do you do in those moments? My stance

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on this is that usually there's a deeper emotional meaning

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around what I want versus what you want.

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Sometimes that is

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that I think,

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maybe I think, or you think that your

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partner doesn't care about what you

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want. And so then it's. It's this extra

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emotional stuck point. I can't really negotiate

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for where we go on vacation

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if I feel like you don't care. If I,

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you know, if somebody is feeling like my partner doesn't care about me, of

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course they're going to hold on to, no, I want to go here for vacation.

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And that is proof that you care. And so then

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we have something else that needs to be worked on before you guys

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can actually really negotiate where to go

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on vacation. Do you care? Is often a common one that comes

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up in those points where it's really hard to negotiate. Another one that

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comes up is, are we equal? If one

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partner feels like, well, I do all the. All

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the chores, all the things for the house, then.

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And then their partner says, well, I know I normally do this, but could

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you do this this time? Their partner

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might say, no, I don't want to do it, because I do everything around the

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house all the time, and it's not equal, so you should have to do that

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still. And now we're stuck. And

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there's not really a way to negotiate because there's

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this deeper conversation going on

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about, are we equal? Is there fairness and

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justice in the relationship? And that has to get

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addressed first before you can really

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negotiate about the task. So clearing out kind

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of the deeper emotional struggles helps make

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negotiating easier. And if that's where you find

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yourself at, then probably a couples counselor

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is going to be what will be helpful for working on the deeper

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emotional struggles. The last skill is conflict resolution.

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And this is because the Gottmans, and I know I've mentioned them before,

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the John and Julie Gottman, they're both doctors.

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I think they're psychologists, if I'm remembering correctly. They

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are over at the Gottman Institute, and they do a ton

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of research on couples. And one of the things that they found

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in their research was that the repair is always the most

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important part. You can't really avoid conflict, and

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you can resolve conflict by using

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active listening skills, empathizing

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with each other, negotiating. Like, these are all skills to

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resolve conflict. But the big point

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is that you can avoid conflict. And

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when you do sweep it under the rug, it tends to

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keep coming back up. So you can use all the skills that

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we've talked about so far in this episode

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as forms towards working towards conflict

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resolution. But it's that repair. It's the making sure

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you and I are okay. There is a resolution where we're

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on the same team and we're on the same page. And

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that is the most important part for the

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sustainability of couple relationships. So if

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you are either, you know, engaged, about to get married,

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or you're newly married, and you want

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to figure out, okay, how do I learn a lot

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of these relationship communication skills? Here are ways that

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you can do that. So, obviously I'm a couples counselor.

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I think couples counseling is, like, the best thing ever. It's my

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jam. So you could do couples counseling and you could learn

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these skills with a couples counselor. But there are

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also options for you outside of couples counseling

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if that either doesn't work for your

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schedule or your partner's not open to going to counseling. There are

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a variety of reasons why counseling might not be a good fit for you or

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a good fit for you at a certain time in your life. So

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other options would be workshops. There are a lot of

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different types of couple workshops out there.

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Some of them are specific for, like, marriage

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preparation workshops. And I'll list some

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of these in the show notes. So if you want a list of

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workshops that currently exist out there,

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like the main. The main ones for marriage preparation,

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I'll list them in the show notes. So go check them out.

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You could also do a relationship intensive.

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So this is something I started offering.

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I do them for normal couples counseling as well, but for

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premarital and newlywed counseling, especially when

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people are working on getting ready for a wedding

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and a honeymoon, there's all this planning all the time. It's

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stressful. Counseling doesn't have to be stressful. So

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intensives are where you go work with a

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couple's counselor for a full day or a full two days,

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depending on what you need. And you

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just do like six hours of therapy in a day.

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And so it is very intensive. But it's not

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too bad when it's. I mean, I like them and I like them for intensive

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therapy work as well, but especially for premarital

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intensives, it's a lot of skills that you

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can learn with your counselor and knock out all your

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premarital counseling in a day. There are

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also relationship retreats. So if you wanted something

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more like a vacation versus just like a workshop that you

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might travel to, that's either in your city or in a town

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nearby if you wanted more of a vacation feel, or

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like a destination travel location where you work

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on learning skills like this, there are relationship retreats out

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there, and then there are books and

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podcasts like this podcast that you can listen to. And these

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are all ways that you can go about building up your

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relationship. Communication skills. The action item for this

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episode, like if you were to do one thing or

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take away one thing from today,

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what I would want you to go home and try is try to start

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reflecting back what you hear your partner saying

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and use that as a way to start developing your active

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listening and your empathy skills.

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So it's not a huge task here, it's

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just repeat back. Okay?

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Thank you for sharing. I heard you say this. I heard you say

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X, Y and Z. Did I understand that correctly? That's all you got to

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do. So if you do this challenge, post

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about it or send me a message or tag me on social

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media, I want to know how it goes. All right, have a great

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day.

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I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so, please take a second

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to go, rate, review and subscribe so you get all of our future

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episodes. Make sure to check out the show notes

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to sign up for our free 10 week

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relationship email course. This email course is really

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designed for people who are maybe having trouble with

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communication or connection in their relationship and helping them

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develop some quick wins right away to start improving

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it.

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While I am a therapist, this podcast is for educational

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purposes only and is not considered therapy and it should

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also not be a replacement for therapy. If you think you need a

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professional of any kind, you should definitely go find one.

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Until next time.