1
00:00:07,030 --> 00:00:14,170
Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich,

2
00:00:14,170 --> 00:00:17,900
and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life.

3
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:27,260
Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. 

4
00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:31,529
So many people are jumping down each other's throats lately because of differing

5
00:00:31,529 --> 00:00:37,470
opinions about Covid-19, the economy, the upcoming election, and so on,

6
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:41,970
so I figured it timely for us to talk about the difference between having an argument 

7
00:00:41,970 --> 00:00:44,290
with someone and having a discussion. 

8
00:00:44,290 --> 00:00:48,960
On the first day of each month, I post a blog entry with some food-for-thought 

9
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:53,940
on the Buddhist Boot Camp website, and also send it over email, which I typically get

10
00:00:53,940 --> 00:00:58,280
to read out loud and share in-person with our monthly Buddhist Boot Camp 

11
00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,810
Discussion Circles throughout California.

12
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:05,010
But, since all large gatherings have been postponed until we can all safely leave 

13
00:01:05,010 --> 00:01:09,890
the house, I tried yesterday to share this month's blog over a YouTube live stream

14
00:01:09,890 --> 00:01:12,630
video with an open floor for Q&A,

15
00:01:12,630 --> 00:01:17,670
but we experienced a number of technical glitches so I'm not sure I would do that again.

16
00:01:17,670 --> 00:01:20,100
Perhaps it would work better if questions 

17
00:01:20,100 --> 00:01:24,810
are submitted through Buddhist Boot Camp's Patreon page in writing ahead of time, 

18
00:01:24,810 --> 00:01:29,660
and I will answer them publicly in a podcast episode for everyone to hear without having

19
00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:34,259
to listen to me on the live broadcast repeatedly asking, "Can you hear me now? 

20
00:01:34,259 --> 00:01:36,700
"Can you see me? Is this working?"

21
00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:41,000
And I wouldn't have to scroll through a bunch of comments just to find the questions. 

22
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,450
Now, back to the difference between an argument and a discussion: 

23
00:01:44,450 --> 00:01:49,229
in a nutshell, when you argue with someone, you're trying to find out WHO is right.

24
00:01:49,229 --> 00:01:53,920
But in a discussion, both parties are trying to find out WHAT is right.

25
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,950
So, next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone,

26
00:01:56,950 --> 00:02:00,860
ask yourself what's more important to you: to change what they believe, or

27
00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:05,280
to gain a better understanding of how they have arrived at their opinion?

28
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,520
I didn't include this next bit in my monthly email, but this is literally what triggered

29
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:15,450
this month's topic: I used to have a co-worker with a knack for nicknaming all of our 

30
00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:18,280
office mates based on their special skills.

31
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:22,250
Our marketing director, who could sell you anything you didn't even know you needed, 

32
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:28,690
was called Costco, and our receptionist was named the Director of First Impressions. 

33
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:33,100
And because I can load a dishwasher like it's nobody's business and get a lot done 

34
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:38,260
in a short period of time, she dubbed me "The Efficiency Expert," a title I've been wearing 

35
00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:43,140
with much pride ever since. Well, the other morning, I was peeling beets in the kitchen

36
00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:47,200
sink, and after each beet was peeled, I would walk it over to the cutting board 

37
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,890
on the counter, and then I would walk back to the sink to peel the next one.

38
00:02:50,890 --> 00:02:55,050
This went on about seven or eight times, and it occurred to me that if anyone 

39
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:59,750
were to watch me do this little dance, it wouldn't seem very efficient to them at all.

40
00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:03,910
The piece of information they wouldn't necessarily have is that my priority 

41
00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:09,160
was to use as few dishes as possible, while avoiding dripping beet juice on any surface 

42
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:13,730
other than the kitchen sink or the cutting board, in which I was actually both efficient

43
00:03:13,730 --> 00:03:18,290
and successful. I wasn't trying to minimize the number of times I walk back and forth 

44
00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:20,579
from the sink to the cutting board. 

45
00:03:20,579 --> 00:03:26,200
My friend Julie and her husband argue about the quote-unquote "Right way to do laundry."

46
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,829
He loads the washing machine with all the dirty clothes, he adds a cup of detergent 

47
00:03:29,829 --> 00:03:32,220
on top, turns on the machine, and walks away.

48
00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:36,110
His priority is to get it done as quickly as possible, and move on with his day.

49
00:03:36,110 --> 00:03:39,500
Julie, on the other hand, is a firm believer in starting the water flow,

50
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:44,060
pouring the soap into the washing machine, and then adding the dirty clothes to the mix.

51
00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:48,290
They both want the same end result: clean clothes, but they go about it differently

52
00:03:48,290 --> 00:03:50,550
because their priorities are different.

53
00:03:50,550 --> 00:03:54,670
His is perhaps minimal effort, and Julie's priority is to make sure the soap

54
00:03:54,670 --> 00:03:58,800
fully dissolves in the water before adding the clothes. It reminds me of working

55
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,880
in the kitchen at the monastery, where I remember two members of the kitchen staff 

56
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:08,590
were asked to peel and cut ten pounds of carrots into small matchstick-size strips.

57
00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:13,690
It took them about four hours, which drove the efficiency expert in me crazy.

58
00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:17,149
"Why not use the food processor?" I asked the head of the kitchen,

59
00:04:17,149 --> 00:04:22,250
"They would be done in ten minutes!" And he told me the goal wasn't to get the job done 

60
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:27,400
as quickly as possible, it was to offer the students four hours of mindfulness practice

61
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:33,990
in the kitchen. You see, what I failed to do was contemplate the WHY behind his instructions.

62
00:04:33,990 --> 00:04:38,310
The food processor would have definitely chopped those carrots in minutes, that's true,

63
00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:43,010
but the kitchen manager prioritized a meditative practice over efficiency

64
00:04:43,010 --> 00:04:48,280
and expediency, and this was a Buddhist monastery, so go figure!

65
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:53,740
Why do we always assume we know what's best? I put my tail between my legs

66
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:57,540
and took myself to the meditation hall, and I sat down with my ego

67
00:04:57,540 --> 00:04:59,870
until it agreed to play nice. 

68
00:04:59,870 --> 00:05:03,810
Man, we sure do excel at judging what people do and how they do it,

69
00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:08,960
but we fail miserably at trying to understand the WHY behind their actions. 

70
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:13,950
When we share a similar goal with someone, but their priorities differ from our own,

71
00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:18,760
their actions seem backward to us, counterintuitive, silly, and even wrong.

72
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,340
Take my friend Sheila and her wife, 

73
00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:24,210
for example, they both want to quote-unquote, "Make America great," 

74
00:05:24,210 --> 00:05:28,190
but Sheila thinks we will get there by closing the borders to all foreigners, 

75
00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:32,320
while her wife believes immigrants make America great in the first place.

76
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:37,230
And right now, there are people who strongly believe the temporary financial burden

77
00:05:37,230 --> 00:05:41,890
on small businesses and individuals is worth everyone staying quarantined at home

78
00:05:41,890 --> 00:05:44,650
until there's a treatment for Covid-19, 

79
00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:48,200
but there are also many who think the damage to the economy,

80
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,150
coupled with the health scare, is an unnecessary double whammy,

81
00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:54,560
so they want the shelter-in-place order lifted, 

82
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,240
so we can all return to quote-unquote "Normal." We each want 

83
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:04,110
what we think is best, but what we think is best is determined by our priorities.

84
00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:10,200
The question we need to ask ourselves is: what is the WHY behind people's actions?

85
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:15,730
Otherwise, we just go through life assuming our perspective is not only right, but superior.

86
00:06:15,730 --> 00:06:20,800
I mean, think about it: if you keep getting irritated by someone who refuses to change,

87
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,800
doesn't that mean you also refuse to change?

88
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:28,390
I think Saint Francis of Assisi knew the importance of seeking to understand

89
00:06:28,390 --> 00:06:30,650
rather than to be understood.

90
00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:35,560
And since we cannot wrap our heads around other people's logic by using our own, 

91
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:40,190
let's not criticize what we don't even try to understand, because once we get it,

92
00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:45,260
there is nothing left to criticize. Go ahead and contemplate the WHY behind your actions, 

93
00:06:45,260 --> 00:06:49,300
and you might find you have that in common with everyone around you.

94
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:53,900
All technical difficulties and challenges aside from the live broadcast,

95
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,750
there was a wonderful point brought up

96
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:59,210
in the live discussion that we had about this topic yesterday. 

97
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:03,360
It was by a listener who said that whenever she's in a disagreement with her husband

98
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:07,890
and emotions escalate into what would turn into a full-blown fight,

99
00:07:07,890 --> 00:07:12,970
they remind one another that they are on the same team. This essentially neutralizes

100
00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:16,530
the ego and accomplishes exactly what we were discussing:

101
00:07:16,530 --> 00:07:21,320
two people trying to figure out WHAT is right, not WHO is right.

102
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:25,620
Inner peace is truly the first step we can take to live in peace with others;

103
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:29,850
so let's take that first step together. Thank you for walking beside me

104
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:35,310
on this journey, even when we don't see eye-to-eye; I appreciate you.

105
00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:38,980
Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless 

106
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,640
and Buddhist Boot Camp. 

107
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,650
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, 

108
00:07:44,650 --> 00:07:48,740
where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, 

109
00:07:48,740 --> 00:07:53,430
watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. 

110
00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:55,350
We hope you have enjoyed this episode

111
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:59,320
and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.

112
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:04,940
Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼