Welcome to Pivot Parenting, where we help parents of teens overcome regret and disappointment to find peace and connection in every situation. I'm Heather Frazier, your parenting expert. Journey with me to discover effective parenting tips, improve family relationships, and build a brighter future for your kids.
Interfering with wound healing, any kind of self hurting is what we're talking about today, but for simplicity's sake, I will simply use one term generally for all of them. Now these two episodes, substance abuse and self harm today are sister episodes because they are closely related. They're both forms of self destruction and they have some overlap in why our kids.
Before I begin, my friend. If you are struggling with self harm in your home, I am sorry. I know firsthand how devastating it is and how soul wrenching it is on how it consumes your every thought. I know how you feel like a fool and a failure and the shame is deep and drowning. I want to talk about it because you aren't alone and I promise there is hope to be had.
Grab my hand, hang on, I promise there's hope. One way that we can find hope is by looking at facts and evidence and information. So I want to give you the most current Psychological, medical information on self harm, and they're fairly conclusive on several points. And so I just want to give you these bullet points so that you can better understand the current psychology on why our kids are doing this, because it is rampant, my friend.
There are two kinds of self harm. One that is planned and tightly controlled. How deep, with what object, When and where to best hide what they are doing, how to prevent infection and scarring. It's a buildup of emotion and they have it dialed in really tightly. The second is the opposite, a total loss of self control, a last resort effort to establish control through an Unplanned release of pain, not premeditated, but in the moment, spontaneous.
Nobody deserves that, but that is how they feel in their headspace. They're punishing themselves. Self harm is very often a sign of trauma. Something has happened in their life that has caused their emotions to go out of control. And I'm going to talk more on this, but I do not want you to start beating yourself up.
There are four internal motives, a wish to die or to live, a feeling of lost control, escaping from the situation. And when the situation is unbearable, and then there's one external motive to show somebody how hopeless they are feeling, this is not manipulation or attention seeking, it is a cry for help.
And I talk about the one main reason all of these reasons branch out of. And it's sensations that our kids are seeking, self control, relief, being seen and loved. And so if you want more on that one main umbrella reason that all the other reasons fall into, listen to last week's. And then the last thing that current Publications say is that your child doesn't actually want to self harm.
30 minutes with me, my friend, you'll walk away with more confidence, clarity, and understanding of what the issue is and your next best step in resolving any Any situation you bring to me, it's completely free. I love families and want to help yours be wildly happy and successful. Book this call by visiting my website, heatherfraser.
All right my friend, now that you've got a better understanding of their reasons and how it makes sense to them, Let's dive into the meat and potatoes of how you can help them. We're going to talk about practical strategies for approaching this very sensitive subject with your teen, how to foster open communication when emotions are so difficult to best provide the help that they need to heal so that you, my friend can create a supportive environment teen's emotional wellbeing, and you're going to gain confidence that you haven't failed and your teen's future isn't doomed.
Essentially the son linked the guilt he felt around his dad. Being so upset with an increased risk of self harm. No, I'm not saying this so that you can be like, Oh, sweet. I'm so excited. It's totally normal and okay to be devastated. It would be so strange if you weren't, but there's two things that parents need to address to mitigate the potential.
It is okay to show emotion, my friend. Just reiterate that you take accountability, that you're not blaming your child, that it's not their fault or their problem to fix. Let them know other emotions that you're feeling that motivate them to continue to be open with you. One of my most favorite things to tell my child when they disclose something that they're worried I will be upset with, is to honor their bravery.
Tell them about your love for them, your willingness to support them, your trust, understanding, solidarity, compassion, admiration, whatever positive. Emotions feel true to you that shows them. You are more than just sad. You are sad and proud of them. You are sad and admire their courage. You are sad and have compassion for them.
We need to normalize struggle in all its forms, including self harm. Ask questions if they're willing to talk. Let them know that you're going to help them get professional help. Self harm is one of those things that you just need to go get help. Don't wait it out. Don't think that they're going to outgrow it.
Your focus needs to be on helping them. That's it. Support and listen and love. And as a little caveat, oftentimes, um, Um, with past medical protocol, they say to put in an action plan, especially with suicidal ideation. Next time you want to harm yourself, promise to tell somebody or like whatever. Those have been proven to be very ineffective.
I also discussed this in last week's episode. If you want more depth on that, but we need to talk, this is doing your work. You need support, especially if you're going towards anger, frustration, blame, I know that it can feel so shameful to learn that your child is in so much pain, they are harming themselves, but much like their pain, you suffer more and longer when you bury it under anger and frustration or denial.
Let's talk and see if it's a good fit. When you do these two things again, Number one, make sure to remind them over and over that your feelings are not their job to fix. And then number two, keep your feelings in the sadness and the heartache, not in the blame, anger, frustration. Because that's going to keep you stuck for longer.
This is the protocol for approaching the subject with your teen. This is how you do it. And this is how you foster open communication when emotions are so difficult to best provide the help that they need to heal. By making sure you're owning your feelings. and when they are trying to take on accountability for those, you're not colluding in that kind of behavior, and then you're staying in your clean pain and you're both getting the support that you need to work it through.
And I want to reiterate, this is best done with a professional, at least one to help support your child. They could potentially need medication. Therapy, all the things, get them in front of some experts. This is not something you want to wait out or think that they will grow out of. And just to be completely transparent, this is beyond my scope of practice.
And when parents have created this ecosystem of support for their teen to get the best help possible, that is how you create an environment that promotes your teen's emotional well being. And when parents do this, they gain the confidence that they haven't failed, that everything could work out. It is gaining the skills to mitigate self harm.
I am here for you. Go to heatherfraser. com to book a consult if you think That working together could be a possibility. I wish you and your family the very best. Uh, go back and listen to last week's episode as well. If you haven't done that, there's a lot of helpful information there, and I will talk to you next week, my friend. Heather is the one, an expert in the field. She knows her parenting stuff, including how confusing it can be. You've tried it all, and it's a lost cause. Crying in the closet cause you failed at being a mom. But think again, there's peace around the corner. And there's hope in your hands Your kid just wants your love And you want it from them So take a pivot in the right step Through pivot parenting you can