1 00:00:00,355 --> 00:00:04,445 This podcast is intended for mature audiences only and may contain 2 00:00:04,445 --> 00:00:05,965 content that could be triggering. 3 00:00:06,305 --> 00:00:08,045 Please listen with discretion. 4 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,835 We learned in episode two. 5 00:00:12,635 --> 00:00:15,755 Stephanie's childhood was already marked by instability. 6 00:00:16,535 --> 00:00:21,715 By sixth grade, she had lived in six different homes and attended four schools. 7 00:00:22,615 --> 00:00:25,715 Her father's beatings, including one that left her unconscious, 8 00:00:25,975 --> 00:00:31,235 became normalized abuse, turning violence into a constant in her life. 9 00:00:33,455 --> 00:00:34,755 And I'm going into sixth grade. 10 00:00:35,445 --> 00:00:38,885 I had a cousin, like one that was close to my age and so I had a little 11 00:00:38,885 --> 00:00:40,205 built in friends group already. 12 00:00:40,235 --> 00:00:40,525 Yeah. 13 00:00:40,685 --> 00:00:41,165 'cause of her. 14 00:00:41,945 --> 00:00:44,605 And um, then I realized I was. 15 00:00:45,775 --> 00:00:50,375 A little heavier set than the other kids at the time, , I was being bullied a 16 00:00:50,375 --> 00:00:54,295 little bit because of it, and also because my dad was a substitute teacher there. 17 00:00:54,435 --> 00:00:55,655 He was substitute teaching. 18 00:00:55,935 --> 00:00:58,335 'cause this was sixth, seventh, and eighth grade and it was a whole 19 00:00:58,335 --> 00:01:00,415 middle school and very small place. 20 00:01:00,675 --> 00:01:00,895 But. 21 00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:04,760 You know, all of a sudden your dad's substitute teacher as well. 22 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:06,800 Oh God, what a nightmare for a kid. 23 00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:09,840 You know, like girls, you know, were just mean to me. 24 00:01:10,430 --> 00:01:13,280 They would be like, I'm gonna tell your dad you did this and this and this. 25 00:01:13,670 --> 00:01:14,800 Like things that weren't true. 26 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,440 And I was like, I don't think they realized. 27 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:17,240 I was like, if you. 28 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,210 Tell my dad that like, I will be murdered. 29 00:01:20,390 --> 00:01:23,130 And I didn't even do it, but he won't even ask me if I did it. 30 00:01:23,130 --> 00:01:29,130 He'll just believe you, . And so my lovely grandmother who in all innocents 31 00:01:29,270 --> 00:01:34,410 put me on my first diet, , went on the Spicer's diet, which um, I'm 32 00:01:34,410 --> 00:01:38,169 sure no one's heard of, but it was little bags of these wheat, um. 33 00:01:39,410 --> 00:01:40,280 Puffs basically. 34 00:01:40,340 --> 00:01:42,720 And they had 'em in like chocolate, barbecue, sour cream, 35 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:43,520 and onion, you know, flavor. 36 00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:46,040 It was like a hundred to 120 calories a bag. 37 00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:47,440 That was your meal. 38 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:52,400 And so , I lost weight very quickly, um, because I had the 39 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:53,520 companionship of my cousin. 40 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,920 Mm-hmm . And I could escape to her house. 41 00:01:56,140 --> 00:02:00,720 Mm. And her mom was a school teacher as well, and she was just 42 00:02:01,390 --> 00:02:03,960 Very nurturing and just very kind and sweet. 43 00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:07,520 And they always had Chips Ahoy cookies at their house too, , which was really cool. 44 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:11,519 And they got to watch the Smurfs, which we weren't allowed to watch because 45 00:02:11,660 --> 00:02:12,960 you know, it had a wizard in it. 46 00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:15,880 So I get to sneak over there and watch, you know, like real shows. 47 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:16,880 So. 48 00:02:18,850 --> 00:02:24,890 I, I think that really helped distract me from how I felt inside and just 49 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,890 live what I felt was normal again. 50 00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:32,050 It is, it is weird, especially, like I said, having had kids and 51 00:02:32,050 --> 00:02:35,010 gone through, you know, these life cycles with them as they get older. 52 00:02:35,970 --> 00:02:44,530 I do look back and just think, um, it was, it was a lot at such an early age to not 53 00:02:46,924 --> 00:02:48,174 . Know how to deal with it. 54 00:02:48,875 --> 00:02:54,894 By the end of sixth grade, I started looking like I was much older than I was. 55 00:02:55,095 --> 00:02:56,855 'cause I developed very soon. 56 00:02:57,515 --> 00:03:01,695 Um, like I had my height, all my body curves. 57 00:03:02,135 --> 00:03:04,454 I was fully developed by the end of sixth grade. 58 00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,685 Um, my cousin and I got along great. 59 00:03:07,745 --> 00:03:10,165 We were very, very different, but we got along so great. 60 00:03:10,595 --> 00:03:12,005 They also had a swimming pool. 61 00:03:12,385 --> 00:03:13,605 Oh, um, bonus. 62 00:03:13,785 --> 00:03:15,325 An inground swimming pool, . Whoa. 63 00:03:16,085 --> 00:03:16,325 I know. 64 00:03:16,515 --> 00:03:19,765 They were, we felt like they were the rich people on the block, of course. 65 00:03:19,945 --> 00:03:20,805 And I just had to walk. 66 00:03:21,310 --> 00:03:24,320 Literally through a couple of backyards and I was over there. 67 00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:28,240 So I think that created like some security in me. 68 00:03:28,620 --> 00:03:33,400 Um, they were Baptist, but just like normal Baptist, it felt like a safe space. 69 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:37,200 I remember her dad, my mom's oldest brother being very grumpy, but he 70 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,304 was . He was always fine towards us. 71 00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:40,945 Started Mom's brother? 72 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,065 Yeah, my mom's brother. 73 00:03:42,204 --> 00:03:47,545 The oldest out of the four of them, and so that created some security in my life. 74 00:03:47,554 --> 00:03:51,665 Again, I had some family around, I had somebody's house to just walk 75 00:03:51,725 --> 00:03:59,864 to and we knew that we were not supposed to be with my uncle, the 76 00:04:00,144 --> 00:04:04,024 youngest brother of my mom alone and. 77 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,880 I knew, I think some of the reasons why I think there was some 78 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,800 possible molestation issues there. 79 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,760 He was also an alcoholic. 80 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:20,425 Um, but that's, we weren't really . You know, told in detail, he had, um, two 81 00:04:20,495 --> 00:04:23,545 sons, so two different, um, wives. 82 00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:26,545 I think he ended up having three or four wives by the end of it. 83 00:04:26,685 --> 00:04:31,465 But actually, I mean, really enjoyed being around his partners. 84 00:04:31,465 --> 00:04:34,545 They were a lot of fun, but, uh, we weren't allowed to 85 00:04:34,545 --> 00:04:35,825 be around him by ourselves. 86 00:04:36,005 --> 00:04:38,225 But he literally lived, as you saw. 87 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:38,665 Yes. 88 00:04:38,665 --> 00:04:41,305 When we went to Texas in my grandmother's backyard, like right there. 89 00:04:41,505 --> 00:04:43,105 I mean, literally just walked through the backyard. 90 00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:44,145 And you were at his house? 91 00:04:44,145 --> 00:04:46,065 Mm-hmm . And so he was always around. 92 00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:47,880 We're very familiar with him. 93 00:04:47,940 --> 00:04:50,000 We treated him like normal, you know? 94 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:55,280 But we knew we couldn't be alone with him and just had suspicions really, of why 95 00:04:55,460 --> 00:05:02,450 not necessarily knowing exactly why he was literally around all the time, but 96 00:05:02,450 --> 00:05:03,890 we weren't supposed to be alone with him. 97 00:05:04,789 --> 00:05:11,810 So he obviously, his mother, your Masha, and his brother who has 98 00:05:11,810 --> 00:05:13,650 the pool, knows all about him. 99 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:14,869 Right. 100 00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:15,869 Possibly. 101 00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:21,070 I know the mother has to you and I would know that about our child 102 00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:22,590 as mothers, don't you think? 103 00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:29,630 I, I feel like my answer would be yes, but at the same time, I mean, her 104 00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:35,349 mom was probably who knows, living in her own trauma and wasn't grounded, 105 00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:37,710 you know, to realize I have no idea. 106 00:05:38,109 --> 00:05:39,030 I can't even answer that. 107 00:05:39,619 --> 00:05:44,195 Yeah, I can't speak for it because . I know too many people that things have 108 00:05:44,395 --> 00:05:47,794 happened behind closed doors, and I've, I've been in that situation myself where 109 00:05:47,835 --> 00:05:49,955 I had no idea something was going on. 110 00:05:50,135 --> 00:05:50,914 Yes, yes. 111 00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:57,030 Uh, so in the summer we were allowed to go to the pool at my cousin's house by 112 00:05:57,030 --> 00:06:01,790 ourselves because I was old enough at that point and there was no one down there. 113 00:06:01,850 --> 00:06:05,990 And I went down one day to just get in the pool and I was down there by 114 00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:10,310 myself, just, you know, floating around, having a good old time, being alone. 115 00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:18,270 And my uncle, the youngest brother, my mom comes down and, um, gets in the pool. 116 00:06:18,915 --> 00:06:22,775 And all of a sudden I remember feeling that feeling of like, 117 00:06:23,835 --> 00:06:25,175 oh no, I'm alone with him. 118 00:06:26,355 --> 00:06:28,335 And the next thing I know 119 00:06:30,565 --> 00:06:37,094 very quickly, he is just, you know, talking to me, making me laugh, like 120 00:06:37,094 --> 00:06:41,575 just being a normal uncle and then making sexual advances towards me. 121 00:06:42,795 --> 00:06:47,895 And I remember trying to get out of the pool on the ladder. 122 00:06:48,414 --> 00:06:57,810 I. And he came up and put his arms around the top of the ladder and just was there. 123 00:06:57,830 --> 00:07:01,330 And I, I had, I turned around because I was like, what is happening? 124 00:07:01,470 --> 00:07:01,770 You know? 125 00:07:02,550 --> 00:07:10,850 And um, so it became uncomfortable very quick even though there was 126 00:07:10,850 --> 00:07:15,050 nothing coming out of his mouth to suggest what he was thinking. 127 00:07:16,290 --> 00:07:20,270 His actions were very suggestive, and 128 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,870 I know I'm not supposed to be alone with him, and all of a 129 00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:28,909 sudden I can feel feelings in my body that aren't comfortable and 130 00:07:28,909 --> 00:07:29,909 I know something's not right. 131 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,350 But then as he sees my nervousness, he also gets out of the pool 132 00:07:34,010 --> 00:07:35,550 and he offers me a cigarette. 133 00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:39,590 And . I had never had a cigarette before. 134 00:07:40,465 --> 00:07:45,284 But being the rebellious kid I was, I thought my uncle is 135 00:07:45,484 --> 00:07:46,525 offering my first cigarette. 136 00:07:47,195 --> 00:07:48,125 It's a kind gesture. 137 00:07:49,265 --> 00:07:52,885 He offers me the cigarette and I decide I'm gonna be bad. 138 00:07:53,104 --> 00:07:55,205 You know, , I'm gonna be ba it. 139 00:07:55,525 --> 00:07:56,085 'cause I always. 140 00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:58,940 Felt like I never got to do anything. 141 00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:01,140 I never got to go to sleepovers. 142 00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,500 I never got to go to school dances. 143 00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:05,260 I didn't get to try out for cheerleading. 144 00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:08,500 I was just like, at this point I was really, gimme the cigarette. 145 00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:08,900 Yeah. 146 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:09,900 Starting to feel like that. 147 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:12,580 Giving up like I, you know, I just, I never get to do 148 00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:13,780 anything, so I'm gonna do this. 149 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:20,180 And there was a little shed, I think it like, it was a shed by a 150 00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:21,940 garage off the side of the pool. 151 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:23,060 Um. 152 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:30,240 . And so we go into the shed and it is dark, and I remember the lighting, the 153 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:37,080 cigarette, and I don't even remember like puffing on it for the fir. 154 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,440 I didn't even know how to smoke a cigarette. 155 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,760 I don't even remember puffing on it really or anything, but. 156 00:08:44,479 --> 00:08:49,459 In my mind, everything goes, um, black. 157 00:08:51,199 --> 00:08:53,140 Um, I don't remember walking home. 158 00:08:54,420 --> 00:08:56,380 I don't remember anything that happened. 159 00:08:56,540 --> 00:08:59,339 I don't remember smoking the cigarette, putting the cigarette out, anything. 160 00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:05,819 I just remember going into that shed and then, you know. 161 00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:07,699 After lighting a cigarette. 162 00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:10,939 It's just black in my mind. 163 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:19,780 Um, and I couldn't talk to anybody about that because I was down 164 00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:23,100 there and I was by myself with him, and therefore it was my fault. 165 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:31,380 And I, uh, I mean from that moment, I think blinked. 166 00:09:31,965 --> 00:09:36,465 Out that memory from walking in the shed on, I just. 167 00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:39,680 It's, I know a lot of people have gone through some really horrible things, 168 00:09:39,859 --> 00:09:45,359 and I don't know how they make it out because my things feel so minimal 169 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:51,719 compared to others, but it was still so much, it was so heavy inside. 170 00:09:52,775 --> 00:09:54,935 I was, it's just like I was already drowning. 171 00:09:55,115 --> 00:10:01,175 Um, I can't tap into anything other than the feelings in my body, which have 172 00:10:01,175 --> 00:10:04,815 expressed to me that something happened. 173 00:10:05,035 --> 00:10:07,175 And, um, I know it wasn't good. 174 00:10:07,555 --> 00:10:09,615 I'm okay with not knowing the details of that at this point, 175 00:10:09,615 --> 00:10:11,695 because what good would that do me? 176 00:10:12,075 --> 00:10:12,775 , you know what I mean? 177 00:10:12,775 --> 00:10:17,255 Because I think that would be really, really even more and 178 00:10:17,255 --> 00:10:18,535 just be more hard to deal with. 179 00:10:18,595 --> 00:10:19,295 You know what I mean? 180 00:10:19,595 --> 00:10:26,605 So I'm glad that . If anything, my body, my mind, whatever, um, kind of protected 181 00:10:26,605 --> 00:10:28,525 me from the rest of that situation. 182 00:10:28,525 --> 00:10:28,805 Yeah. 183 00:10:28,805 --> 00:10:32,405 Because at that point in my life, I don't think I could have handled 184 00:10:32,595 --> 00:10:34,285 much more already, you know? 185 00:10:34,395 --> 00:10:34,685 Yeah. 186 00:10:35,085 --> 00:10:36,445 I was already feeling very burdened. 187 00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:43,165 So I think my mind, um, in some weird way helped protect me from just 188 00:10:44,314 --> 00:10:46,965 falling into a complete pit of despair. 189 00:10:47,225 --> 00:10:49,965 So it was really the cigarette because. 190 00:10:50,834 --> 00:10:55,314 I was like, I did something wrong like that. 191 00:10:56,354 --> 00:11:03,114 Lighting that cigarette and being there with him immediately made me 192 00:11:03,114 --> 00:11:06,155 think that I was the bad person. 193 00:11:07,665 --> 00:11:12,675 When you're raised in an environment where your self-worth is reminded over 194 00:11:12,675 --> 00:11:18,115 and over, that it's very low, you're gonna be in these situations, I feel like 195 00:11:18,115 --> 00:11:20,435 you almost become, um, like a target. 196 00:11:20,735 --> 00:11:21,275 And, um, 197 00:11:23,635 --> 00:11:27,075 I didn't know what to do with that at that age, at this point. 198 00:11:27,275 --> 00:11:31,395 I had never been taught to even talk to anybody or question anything. 199 00:11:31,655 --> 00:11:36,520 Uh, I see . Kids at that age that have been taught boundaries and 200 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,120 have lived in healthy households. 201 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:43,360 Mm-hmm . And how much more equipped they are to handle things or run 202 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,800 immediately to their parents. 203 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,480 I mean, it's like my girlfriend telling me a story one time about something happening 204 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,240 and she went straight to her dad. 205 00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:53,200 It's not something that happened to her, but you know what I mean? 206 00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,520 It was just like she knew she could trust. 207 00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:01,185 I was already just holding on, um, . To what felt like the weight of the world. 208 00:12:01,325 --> 00:12:08,625 Mm-hmm . But also I had the, um, demeanor of like a happy person. 209 00:12:09,265 --> 00:12:11,665 'cause that was just my natural state, you know? 210 00:12:12,645 --> 00:12:18,425 So I was really good at, I think people just not even probably thinking to ask 211 00:12:18,615 --> 00:12:22,585 most of the time because I seemed, my grandmother would always tell me like, 212 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,540 She loved hearing me laugh because it made her laugh. 213 00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:26,540 I had the best laugh. 214 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:27,380 She would tell me. 215 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:34,220 Um, I was naturally just happy, but I was carrying, I was carrying 216 00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:38,100 a lot of, a lot of internal stress already at a young, young age. 217 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,840 I needed somebody to help me. 218 00:12:40,940 --> 00:12:47,480 Mm-hmm . I mean, luckily for me, I think the thing that has really helped me was 219 00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:51,120 the love I had for my Mimi and my pop pop. 220 00:12:51,140 --> 00:12:53,280 Mm-hmm . Even though I couldn't talk to them. 221 00:12:55,074 --> 00:13:00,755 I still felt safe with them and I felt loved and I think that is the one thing 222 00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:04,074 through my whole life I have held on to. 223 00:13:04,505 --> 00:13:08,435 Like that feeling they gave me, that experience I got to 224 00:13:08,435 --> 00:13:11,795 have with them helped me under. 225 00:13:11,895 --> 00:13:15,925 Stand that something existed out of what I was feeling. 226 00:13:17,325 --> 00:13:19,645 'cause I've had so many people ask me over the years and they're 227 00:13:19,645 --> 00:13:22,085 like, how are you still here? 228 00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:23,564 How did you escape this? 229 00:13:23,705 --> 00:13:26,205 How did, how are you still happy? 230 00:13:26,465 --> 00:13:26,725 You know? 231 00:13:26,725 --> 00:13:33,405 Mm-hmm . And I think it's because whatever they gave to me, I 232 00:13:33,435 --> 00:13:38,405 held onto so much tighter than I did even all the other stuff. 233 00:13:39,525 --> 00:13:41,725 'cause I wanted so badly. 234 00:13:42,525 --> 00:13:45,165 I knew that somewhere in life that existed, you know? 235 00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:49,564 Do you remember seeing him the next time? 236 00:13:49,835 --> 00:13:53,685 Like you're the around people or what was it like when you saw him again? 237 00:13:54,405 --> 00:13:55,005 I don't remember. 238 00:13:55,775 --> 00:13:58,355 How much longer did you live there after that happened? 239 00:13:58,355 --> 00:13:58,995 Approximate? 240 00:13:59,735 --> 00:14:03,835 Ooh, I think maybe just a couple of months at the most. 241 00:14:03,985 --> 00:14:04,275 Okay. 242 00:14:04,275 --> 00:14:06,275 Were you happy to move or. 243 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,955 I honestly don't remember that either. 244 00:14:10,795 --> 00:14:15,075 I think this was definitely more the starting point of disassociation, 245 00:14:15,395 --> 00:14:16,635 I think for me early on. 246 00:14:16,635 --> 00:14:16,875 Okay. 247 00:14:16,895 --> 00:14:24,050 As a child, um, I have memories of course, but sometimes, um, I. It's, 248 00:14:24,050 --> 00:14:26,010 it's still scattered like the details. 249 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,420 Not long after the abuse by our uncle, which her parents were unaware of, they 250 00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:38,860 announced to the family that they were moving to a new home, which was located 251 00:14:38,930 --> 00:14:40,860 deep in the rural countryside of Texas. 252 00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:43,330 Stephanie is now 13. 253 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:48,490 She transitioned from public school to a video-based homeschool program that 254 00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:50,210 was rooted in Christian principles. 255 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,050 This is the family's seventh home. 256 00:14:54,020 --> 00:14:56,200 We had moved out of my, you know, grandmother's house. 257 00:14:56,430 --> 00:15:00,320 This was our first, you know, house as a family again after the car accident. 258 00:15:01,340 --> 00:15:05,720 And, uh, I was lucky enough to have my own little half private bath in my 259 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,160 room, even though it was a small house. 260 00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:08,480 And this was seventh grade. 261 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,360 So seventh grade got started off with a bang. 262 00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:13,080 We were homeschooled at that point. 263 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,760 I call it video school 'cause I was in the ABEKA program and 264 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,000 they literally sent videos. 265 00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:21,320 It was actually a very hard private program. 266 00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:22,000 So. 267 00:15:22,959 --> 00:15:29,099 My dad ended up becoming the praise and worship leader of two larger churches. 268 00:15:29,439 --> 00:15:31,660 One was a mega church, it was called Maranatha. 269 00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:32,020 At the time. 270 00:15:32,150 --> 00:15:37,060 There was this huge dome in, I believe, Baytown, Texas, and then 271 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:39,459 they had a sister church in liberty. 272 00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:43,410 And, um, there was always a band behind him and he got everybody, 273 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:44,810 you know, revved up for the service. 274 00:15:45,790 --> 00:15:47,689 And so, yeah, I get that service kicked off. 275 00:15:47,830 --> 00:15:52,410 And then my mom, she was with him a lot even when he, he was 276 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:53,689 at church, like doing things. 277 00:15:54,090 --> 00:15:57,570 I would a lot of times watch my video school, you know, schooling by myself. 278 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,770 My parents weren't there, you know. 279 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:03,765 But my mom was not technically, I don't think working at the time. 280 00:16:04,725 --> 00:16:06,525 I could be wrong, but I don't think she was. 281 00:16:07,505 --> 00:16:13,485 So, you know, here we are out in, you know, the country still . Yeah. 282 00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:18,565 My parents, you know, we're still trying to get in the hierarchy of the 283 00:16:18,565 --> 00:16:22,045 church and you know, my dad started out as the praise and worship leader 284 00:16:22,045 --> 00:16:23,685 again, but that was never his end goal. 285 00:16:24,425 --> 00:16:28,250 And so . Us, specifically me. 286 00:16:28,490 --> 00:16:33,130 'cause it's my perspective, you know, was being the perfect children for this. 287 00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:38,190 Pastor life and I was once again, never good enough. 288 00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:42,710 And so there were a lot of beatings. 289 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,230 I mean, there were times my dad would slap me across the 290 00:16:46,230 --> 00:16:47,790 face until it knocked me down. 291 00:16:48,690 --> 00:16:51,710 And I remember one time standing up and. 292 00:16:52,755 --> 00:16:56,855 And saying like, don't you ever slap me like that again. 293 00:16:57,235 --> 00:16:58,575 You knocked me down on the floor. 294 00:16:59,035 --> 00:17:01,535 And he's like, if I would've slapped you hard enough, you would've 295 00:17:01,535 --> 00:17:02,655 been smeared across the wall. 296 00:17:03,315 --> 00:17:05,935 And so I never said anything again, . Wow. 297 00:17:06,375 --> 00:17:07,295 I was terrified. 298 00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:08,255 Um. 299 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:15,980 and you know, so once again, physical abuse was always a factor, but it was in 300 00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:21,099 the name of God and I didn't even consider the fact that it was abuse at the time. 301 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,900 And it was both of 'em that did it, right? 302 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:23,460 Yes. 303 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:29,340 And my mom, although she didn't dish out the physical punishment as 304 00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:36,820 much, she definitely rubbed my dad up to do so and so if I upset her. 305 00:17:37,875 --> 00:17:40,715 I knew that it was gonna be 10 times, you know, it was worse. 306 00:17:41,084 --> 00:17:43,435 Worse because he, like I said, worshiped the ground. 307 00:17:43,435 --> 00:17:48,115 My mother walked on and mm-hmm we did not get to upset my mother without him 308 00:17:48,115 --> 00:17:50,314 being, like I said, 10 times more upset, 309 00:17:50,655 --> 00:17:54,115 So, you know, that was always a fine line to walk. 310 00:17:55,885 --> 00:17:58,274 There was a little creek right beside the church. 311 00:17:58,415 --> 00:18:01,514 And you have to remember, our house was literally on the other side of the church. 312 00:18:01,574 --> 00:18:04,395 So there was this little creek that ran behind everything and 313 00:18:04,395 --> 00:18:05,715 there was just this small covered. 314 00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:11,325 You know, small bridge that went across that creek and I just 315 00:18:11,395 --> 00:18:13,805 immediately was drawn to that place. 316 00:18:16,245 --> 00:18:18,965 I feel like this was so much more overgrown though, like you couldn't see 317 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,325 as much of the creek when I lived here. 318 00:18:21,879 --> 00:18:28,139 But yeah, I would literally sit here and just hang out and every 319 00:18:28,139 --> 00:18:29,340 now and then sneak a cigarette. 320 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:30,420 No way. 321 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:30,700 Yeah. 322 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:31,460 You would smoke this. 323 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:32,379 Oh, look at that. 324 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:32,780 Look at that. 325 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:33,460 You see it? 326 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:34,420 Holy shit. 327 00:18:35,330 --> 00:18:35,620 Yeah. 328 00:18:35,620 --> 00:18:37,300 Like turtles, guys, real turtles. 329 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,100 Um, just, it was my, my quiet place. 330 00:18:41,290 --> 00:18:41,580 Cool. 331 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:42,500 Oh man, there's so many. 332 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:42,940 You see 'em? 333 00:18:42,940 --> 00:18:43,460 See the big ones? 334 00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:43,780 Yeah. 335 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:45,700 Did they have those when you were here? 336 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,180 Oh yeah. 337 00:18:46,450 --> 00:18:47,340 Turtles everywhere. 338 00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:51,445 That's one time my sister and brother ended up popping around the corner. 339 00:18:51,805 --> 00:18:55,085 Remember, they were younger than I was and I was like, oh God, I, I burnt the 340 00:18:55,085 --> 00:18:56,885 back of my calf with my cigarette bite. 341 00:18:57,045 --> 00:18:59,965 'cause I accidentally put it out on my leg , because I got so nervous 342 00:19:03,045 --> 00:19:06,004 I could, although it was very close to the house, that's the 343 00:19:06,004 --> 00:19:07,125 only reason I could go there. 344 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:13,845 I would just sit and I, I, I just remember being. 345 00:19:15,605 --> 00:19:16,175 Just sad. 346 00:19:16,175 --> 00:19:18,055 There was a lot of heaviness inside of me. 347 00:19:18,395 --> 00:19:21,575 As much as I wanted to be so happy, there was still a lot of 348 00:19:21,755 --> 00:19:23,055 inside of me weighing me down. 349 00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,815 It's like that overwhelming feeling came back of feeling. 350 00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:33,800 So alone mm-hmm . I, I didn't know what other options I, I 351 00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:36,360 had, um, I had nobody to talk to. 352 00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:41,400 It almost became my security blanket in a way because it was my honest feeling 353 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,960 with myself, even if I couldn't be honest with others about how I felt. 354 00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:50,600 And, uh, as we sat there just recently, like that feeling. 355 00:19:51,355 --> 00:19:51,645 Okay. 356 00:19:51,805 --> 00:19:52,645 I mean, I felt it. 357 00:19:52,785 --> 00:19:58,005 It, I, I, I remember feeling how I felt that day and it's a bad memory spot, 358 00:19:59,025 --> 00:20:02,485 but it's also a memory of how I felt. 359 00:20:03,165 --> 00:20:05,445 I remember the turtles 'cause I was so excited. 360 00:20:05,445 --> 00:20:06,805 You gotta see one of the big ones underwater. 361 00:20:07,045 --> 00:20:10,245 'cause that was just, we always saw turtles down there. 362 00:20:10,465 --> 00:20:11,245 You forgot about it. 363 00:20:11,275 --> 00:20:11,565 Yeah. 364 00:20:11,565 --> 00:20:12,725 But it was so wooded. 365 00:20:12,835 --> 00:20:13,125 Yeah. 366 00:20:13,225 --> 00:20:13,925 It wasn't clear. 367 00:20:14,065 --> 00:20:15,685 So I could be in that place. 368 00:20:16,845 --> 00:20:18,165 'cause the bridge didn't even go across. 369 00:20:18,475 --> 00:20:21,455 It just stopped like that land was not open at that point. 370 00:20:21,675 --> 00:20:23,014 So the bridge didn't cross? 371 00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:26,695 No, it just kind of stopped because it got so wooded because 372 00:20:26,715 --> 00:20:27,895 all those buildings didn't exist. 373 00:20:28,024 --> 00:20:28,854 There wasn't a pathway. 374 00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:29,415 Okay. 375 00:20:29,475 --> 00:20:31,695 So I could go in there and it was like being tucked away. 376 00:20:32,084 --> 00:20:33,574 Like you were tucked away in the woods. 377 00:20:33,574 --> 00:20:34,854 There was this creek, there were turtles. 378 00:20:35,785 --> 00:20:38,875 Gosh, I was probably there for like a year-ish. 379 00:20:39,955 --> 00:20:47,475 I remember also, uh, just feeling so badly for that child back then, 380 00:20:47,535 --> 00:20:54,035 now that I'm an adult and I didn't know that and I gave up on me 'cause 381 00:20:54,175 --> 00:20:56,715 no one had ever even given me. 382 00:20:57,595 --> 00:21:03,715 Anything like that to work with, um, people pleasing . That's the only thing. 383 00:21:04,145 --> 00:21:04,435 Yeah. 384 00:21:04,615 --> 00:21:09,515 You know, I had learned was people pleasing in the name of Jesus . It's 385 00:21:09,515 --> 00:21:13,195 a hard story to share, like consent and rape over the years. 386 00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:15,875 I didn't know anything about that when I was younger and just. 387 00:21:16,610 --> 00:21:19,550 You know, educating myself with things as I've gotten older. 388 00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:23,310 I would love to just, it's just Can you hang out? 389 00:21:23,540 --> 00:21:24,270 Hang out on that? 390 00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:24,710 Yes. 391 00:21:24,730 --> 00:21:28,150 So my dad and I would play basketball over here, which is 392 00:21:28,150 --> 00:21:29,070 the court still, which is funny. 393 00:21:29,170 --> 00:21:29,870 Pastor here? 394 00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:30,110 Yeah. 395 00:21:30,210 --> 00:21:30,629 Not here. 396 00:21:30,930 --> 00:21:33,030 He knew the pastor here, but we lived in the parsonage next door. 397 00:21:33,050 --> 00:21:33,470 Really? 398 00:21:33,540 --> 00:21:33,830 Yeah. 399 00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:37,230 Like you're, I was 13, that's why I haven't been back since I've been 13. 400 00:21:40,170 --> 00:21:41,270 Our first stop in Texas. 401 00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:45,455 It took us to the church and house where Stephanie once lived 402 00:21:45,794 --> 00:21:50,615 and worshiped a space that is now part of a men's reform facility. 403 00:21:50,955 --> 00:21:54,895 We were invited inside the chapel where she remembered being baptized. 404 00:21:55,635 --> 00:22:00,135 The man showing us around was welcoming and he agreed to give us the tour. 405 00:22:01,155 --> 00:22:01,655 I'm Stephanie. 406 00:22:02,094 --> 00:22:02,415 Stephanie, yeah. 407 00:22:02,415 --> 00:22:03,054 Nice to meet you. 408 00:22:03,314 --> 00:22:03,814 You can leave this. 409 00:22:04,245 --> 00:22:04,695 Okay, cool. 410 00:22:05,895 --> 00:22:09,514 So this was the chapel because isn't there bap baptism up here? 411 00:22:09,585 --> 00:22:09,875 Yeah. 412 00:22:09,985 --> 00:22:10,274 Yeah. 413 00:22:10,475 --> 00:22:12,355 I totally forgot about that until just now. 414 00:22:12,865 --> 00:22:16,115 Yeah, I was baptized in here, so strange baby in that little place right there. 415 00:22:17,025 --> 00:22:17,315 What? 416 00:22:18,985 --> 00:22:19,675 It's not a church. 417 00:22:19,815 --> 00:22:20,235 No ma'am. 418 00:22:20,785 --> 00:22:22,035 It's just a picture though. 419 00:22:22,355 --> 00:22:22,555 Absolutely. 420 00:22:22,895 --> 00:22:23,595 That's wild. 421 00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:26,995 I totally forgot I was baptized here until I just like when I walked up those 422 00:22:26,995 --> 00:22:28,235 steps, I was like, I remember those steps. 423 00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:32,355 I wanna get it from, because I was really young, so Roger was one of my 424 00:22:32,355 --> 00:22:34,555 dad's pastor friends and he pastored. 425 00:22:35,265 --> 00:22:37,235 This was before we even moved over there though. 426 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:38,630 He pastored this church. 427 00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:41,470 I think that's where that association came from, that we ended up there. 428 00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:42,430 Ah. 429 00:22:42,730 --> 00:22:44,470 Um, and he was the one that baptized me. 430 00:22:45,110 --> 00:22:45,230 Interesting. 431 00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:45,870 Five A photo. 432 00:22:46,190 --> 00:22:46,950 I remember how old I was. 433 00:22:47,150 --> 00:22:47,870 I was very young. 434 00:22:50,010 --> 00:22:55,510 The rows of worn out oak pews had sat many god-fearing church members for decades. 435 00:22:56,570 --> 00:22:58,710 The front row facing the small raised. 436 00:22:58,815 --> 00:23:05,514 To stage was always reserved to cradle the preacher's kids and formally known as pks. 437 00:23:08,855 --> 00:23:13,715 To the right on the small stage set the pulpit from which the pastor delivered 438 00:23:13,715 --> 00:23:20,195 the message of God and directly above it, built into the wall was the baptismal 439 00:23:20,225 --> 00:23:26,955 font, A water-filled vessel, much like a bathtub now an empty, silent fixture. 440 00:23:27,395 --> 00:23:28,574 At the center of it all. 441 00:23:29,695 --> 00:23:29,895 Interesting. 442 00:23:29,895 --> 00:23:30,615 Five a photo. 443 00:23:30,955 --> 00:23:37,135 Um, and I had a friend that was able to come sleep over 444 00:23:37,195 --> 00:23:38,615 one night from our youth group. 445 00:23:39,375 --> 00:23:40,475 And that was a rarity. 446 00:23:40,815 --> 00:23:42,274 So I was very, very excited. 447 00:23:43,455 --> 00:23:46,915 You know, I just, I, I, I played my cards wisely, you know? 448 00:23:46,975 --> 00:23:51,155 And, uh, so this friend, she wasn't a bad friend, she wasn't a bad influence, 449 00:23:51,475 --> 00:23:54,754 anything like that, but that night she's like, we should sneak out. 450 00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:59,115 And I remember thinking like, oh my God, I have never thought about that. 451 00:23:59,565 --> 00:24:02,435 Never considered that the bad child, right? 452 00:24:02,565 --> 00:24:03,835 Never thought about sneaking out. 453 00:24:03,975 --> 00:24:04,195 No. 454 00:24:04,335 --> 00:24:08,159 And then all of a sudden I'm like, . Well, that's cool. 455 00:24:08,439 --> 00:24:09,879 . I mean, we're not doing anything. 456 00:24:09,879 --> 00:24:14,040 We're just roaming around in the dark, you know, country, whatever. 457 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:18,080 I mean, my adrenaline is, is so pumped at this point. 458 00:24:18,470 --> 00:24:18,760 , yeah. 459 00:24:18,879 --> 00:24:23,639 Sneaking out and we go over to the church and we go over to the bridge, you 460 00:24:23,639 --> 00:24:25,159 know, just roaming around and around. 461 00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:27,240 And so there were a couple. 462 00:24:28,415 --> 00:24:32,875 Of boys that ended up out there and started talking to us. 463 00:24:33,185 --> 00:24:34,155 They were skater boys. 464 00:24:34,574 --> 00:24:37,435 The guy that drove our bus on the golf cart, like he said, they used 465 00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:40,635 to like 10 o'clock midnight, they would be walking up and down the road. 466 00:24:41,054 --> 00:24:45,314 So we end up, you know, hanging out with these boys for just literally 467 00:24:45,354 --> 00:24:50,155 a hot second before my friend says, I'm, I wanna go back now. 468 00:24:50,504 --> 00:24:51,995 Like her instincts. 469 00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:56,595 Quickly let her know it was, it was time to go back after 470 00:24:56,615 --> 00:24:57,595 you spoke with these guys. 471 00:24:57,815 --> 00:24:58,035 Yes. 472 00:24:59,135 --> 00:25:04,275 And so she's, she's smart enough, um, that she's been taught that 473 00:25:04,275 --> 00:25:05,755 maybe it's time to go back inside. 474 00:25:06,955 --> 00:25:10,015 All of a sudden I realized, oh, I have these newfound friends out in the country. 475 00:25:11,315 --> 00:25:15,535 Um, was not super happy about me staying out. 476 00:25:15,675 --> 00:25:20,295 But, you know, that was, that morning came, we all go our separate ways. 477 00:25:20,295 --> 00:25:25,615 Mm-hmm . Uh, but I end up sneaking out again by myself. 478 00:25:26,875 --> 00:25:36,205 And, um, eventually I, I was over at . These guys' house, they lived 479 00:25:36,505 --> 00:25:39,485 nearby, so it was like a walk down the street in this tiny little 480 00:25:39,485 --> 00:25:41,405 house and they said, come on over. 481 00:25:41,715 --> 00:25:42,005 Yeah. 482 00:25:42,265 --> 00:25:44,125 And so I was like, oh my God. 483 00:25:44,435 --> 00:25:47,725 Like, you know, I've been contemplating on this bridge whether I die or 484 00:25:47,725 --> 00:25:52,485 run away and well now I've got some friends, so like this is gonna be great. 485 00:25:56,345 --> 00:25:59,325 As we stepped away from the church, we started down the country 486 00:25:59,395 --> 00:26:00,965 road where Stephanie had lived. 487 00:26:01,725 --> 00:26:03,205 I want to paint a picture for you. 488 00:26:03,945 --> 00:26:06,405 It was humid and thick with the scent of rain. 489 00:26:07,345 --> 00:26:12,325 If you've ever been in the south, you know these roads, black asphalt, embedded 490 00:26:12,485 --> 00:26:14,765 with rough stones and the roads are. 491 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,360 Edged by deep red dirt. 492 00:26:17,420 --> 00:26:20,440 We walked toward a house, both of us, knowing what it represented 493 00:26:21,340 --> 00:26:26,200 as I listened to Stephanie and her nervous laughter, I was anxious and 494 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,600 I could tell she was too, as this was the place where the unthinkable. 495 00:26:31,510 --> 00:26:32,330 Had happened to her. 496 00:26:34,710 --> 00:26:35,810 It was like a crack house. 497 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:36,690 Okay. 498 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:41,250 Basically, they had old Camaros that would just sit out here in the front yard. 499 00:26:42,630 --> 00:26:44,250 Do you mind if we go to the end of the driveway? 500 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:44,850 Yeah, of course. 501 00:26:44,950 --> 00:26:45,250 Of course. 502 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,930 Because it looks like they cleaned it up, huh? 503 00:26:50,070 --> 00:26:50,850 Oh my God, yes. 504 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,770 This used to be like, it's more covered, like I said, this wasn't even here. 505 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:54,250 Yeah. 506 00:26:54,650 --> 00:26:55,410 A lot more trees. 507 00:26:56,870 --> 00:26:58,170 The, this wasn't here either. 508 00:26:58,919 --> 00:27:00,610 Yeah, stitching, whatever, 509 00:27:03,629 --> 00:27:08,689 So I was, um, raped by one of the kids that was here. 510 00:27:09,305 --> 00:27:09,595 That. 511 00:27:09,615 --> 00:27:10,475 And then he over there? 512 00:27:10,705 --> 00:27:10,995 Yeah. 513 00:27:10,995 --> 00:27:11,355 Church. 514 00:27:11,425 --> 00:27:12,475 That was on the church steps. 515 00:27:12,575 --> 00:27:13,315 Him and his friend. 516 00:27:13,315 --> 00:27:15,435 Mm-hmm . And then he sent his friend in. 517 00:27:15,445 --> 00:27:19,395 After that, it was the back room on the corner of this house. 518 00:27:19,625 --> 00:27:19,915 Okay. 519 00:27:20,375 --> 00:27:32,835 Um, and I, um, ended up in a room and the next thing I know, um, after he 520 00:27:32,855 --> 00:27:36,195 was done with me, he said, don't move. 521 00:27:37,165 --> 00:27:41,785 And then he sent the second guy in, and I remember, um, there was a bathroom. 522 00:27:42,095 --> 00:27:45,505 It's, um, so there's that front room and then there's the room behind that, 523 00:27:45,505 --> 00:27:46,585 and there's a bathroom in the middle. 524 00:27:47,445 --> 00:27:52,745 And, um, I, I did not even know what a Hyman was. 525 00:27:56,275 --> 00:28:02,935 It, it took me years to even realize, I think I was victimized and raped. 526 00:28:02,935 --> 00:28:06,455 Mm-hmm . Because once again, I felt like it's my fault. 527 00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:09,015 I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. 528 00:28:09,335 --> 00:28:11,375 I shouldn't have been out there, I shouldn't have snuck out. 529 00:28:12,475 --> 00:28:15,655 And I never even called it rape for a very long time. 530 00:28:16,755 --> 00:28:22,175 But there was no consent and there was kicking and there was nose and 531 00:28:23,030 --> 00:28:24,490 And it still happened, 532 00:28:28,379 --> 00:28:31,810 first of all, that I could be by myself even though I was lonely all the time. 533 00:28:33,070 --> 00:28:38,810 It was like that I could just sit there and look at the creek and, um, contemplate 534 00:28:38,810 --> 00:28:40,330 either suicide or running away. 535 00:28:40,889 --> 00:28:46,635 I mean, and so it was a weird . Feeling to sit there and have all that, like 536 00:28:46,635 --> 00:28:48,315 all of a sudden I was just like, woo. 537 00:28:49,065 --> 00:28:54,275 Like that sucked, . You know, like that feeling back then being so young and 538 00:28:54,375 --> 00:28:59,355 not being able to, um, identify even why or where those feelings were coming 539 00:28:59,355 --> 00:29:03,435 from and why I felt so much pain because I just thought I was such a problem. 540 00:29:03,605 --> 00:29:07,325 Child, everything hurt so bad. 541 00:29:07,765 --> 00:29:09,405 I didn't even know anything about sex. 542 00:29:09,645 --> 00:29:12,685 I had no sex education up until that point other than abstinence. 543 00:29:13,970 --> 00:29:17,710 And yeah, they threw me a white towel and said, clean up. 544 00:29:18,870 --> 00:29:21,550 I didn't know what was happening to my body either, right. 545 00:29:21,649 --> 00:29:25,190 Except that I was bleeding to death all of a sudden from what just happened. 546 00:29:26,450 --> 00:29:31,230 Um, and I dismissed myself from the house and went home. 547 00:29:33,460 --> 00:29:37,379 I, I just, I, I lost. 548 00:29:38,895 --> 00:29:41,455 I think I lost myself completely at that moment. 549 00:29:41,755 --> 00:29:45,695 Um, there was no way I was telling my mom and dad because I just felt like 550 00:29:46,805 --> 00:29:50,655 they would, you know, want to kill me , just for sneaking out that it would 551 00:29:50,655 --> 00:29:52,135 be my fault that this ever happened. 552 00:29:52,595 --> 00:29:55,535 And so I kept sneaking out. 553 00:29:56,355 --> 00:29:56,815 You did. 554 00:29:57,595 --> 00:29:59,375 So you kept going back to their house. 555 00:30:00,075 --> 00:30:04,015 It became like an escape from my reality at home. 556 00:30:05,260 --> 00:30:08,140 I think I just stopped trying to feel anything. 557 00:30:09,660 --> 00:30:10,820 I did try to run away. 558 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,780 Um, can you tell me what, how, what that looked like? 559 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:21,055 You can laugh about this and I would totally understand, but , I. I was 560 00:30:21,055 --> 00:30:23,655 struggling in ways that I don't even understand, but my parents 561 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:24,855 didn't know what to do with that. 562 00:30:25,595 --> 00:30:27,375 So I packed a bag. 563 00:30:27,815 --> 00:30:29,615 I even put two rolls of toilet paper in it. 564 00:30:29,975 --> 00:30:32,975 . Um, I don't know why that was important, but that was very important to me. 565 00:30:33,655 --> 00:30:35,095 I mean, I was running away from everything. 566 00:30:35,215 --> 00:30:36,135 I was running away from them. 567 00:30:36,375 --> 00:30:41,295 I was running away from my parents and for some reason I left the bag in my closet. 568 00:30:41,655 --> 00:30:42,295 still at home. 569 00:30:43,105 --> 00:30:46,465 I planned so well up through the toilet paper and then after that it all fell 570 00:30:46,475 --> 00:30:52,545 apart, and I went across the street to this same horrible house that I had been 571 00:30:52,545 --> 00:30:59,105 going to, and I snuck into one of the back of the cars and just thought I just needed 572 00:30:59,105 --> 00:31:01,145 to sleep for a little bit at their house. 573 00:31:01,445 --> 00:31:01,665 Yes. 574 00:31:02,485 --> 00:31:03,905 And why do you think you went there? 575 00:31:04,585 --> 00:31:05,905 I just didn't know where else to go. 576 00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:06,585 Um. 577 00:31:07,955 --> 00:31:12,735 And so I snuck into the one in the back of the cars and I fell asleep 578 00:31:13,835 --> 00:31:15,495 and nobody knew I was out there. 579 00:31:15,995 --> 00:31:17,534 It still felt safer than home. 580 00:31:18,885 --> 00:31:22,335 Like home was never safe. 581 00:31:25,115 --> 00:31:30,014 And so being in the back of the car with the guys that had. 582 00:31:31,005 --> 00:31:34,785 Abused me, um, still felt safer than being at home. 583 00:31:43,645 --> 00:31:53,805 I remember waking up to the sound of my parents, so I hear the footsteps. 584 00:31:54,075 --> 00:31:55,285 They're at the front door. 585 00:31:56,130 --> 00:32:03,650 Knocking on the door and my dad asking if they had seen a young girl, and I guess it 586 00:32:03,650 --> 00:32:05,210 was the father who had answered the door. 587 00:32:05,650 --> 00:32:09,050 I think I had seen him once or so, but he was like never there. 588 00:32:09,670 --> 00:32:13,050 And so, yeah, I remember hearing them. 589 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:14,890 Have you seen a young girl? 590 00:32:15,230 --> 00:32:16,450 He says, no, I haven't. 591 00:32:16,670 --> 00:32:21,330 And for some reason my dad says, do you mind if I check your vehicles? 592 00:32:22,615 --> 00:32:27,675 And I thought I was becoming one with the floor of that car , but I was not. 593 00:32:28,595 --> 00:32:33,355 I was in the backseat and I rolled gently down into the floorboard and just 594 00:32:33,355 --> 00:32:38,795 literally tried to sink as low as I could, and he opened that door and grabbed my 595 00:32:38,935 --> 00:32:40,835 ankles and pulled me out of that car. 596 00:32:42,055 --> 00:32:44,395 And that's the moment I realized that I'm a dead person. 597 00:32:46,775 --> 00:32:50,225 This episode delves into the pain she experienced and the 598 00:32:50,225 --> 00:32:51,745 burden of people pleasing. 599 00:32:52,745 --> 00:32:56,145 Stephanie works to remember her childhood trauma with the struggles 600 00:32:56,145 --> 00:33:00,585 of moving to her seventh home and fifth school by the age of 13. 601 00:33:01,225 --> 00:33:07,195 I. In addition, Stephanie had to deal with the devastating impact of abuse and the 602 00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,155 silence that existed with her parents. 603 00:33:10,175 --> 00:33:14,675 She could not tell them what happened to her or go to them for comfort and safety. 604 00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:21,995 She was afraid as she revisits the places tied to her past, including a rural Texas 605 00:33:22,135 --> 00:33:24,315 church and its surrounding memories. 606 00:33:25,275 --> 00:33:26,755 Stephanie shares how she dis. 607 00:33:27,025 --> 00:33:31,390 Associates herself from her trauma for survival as she was growing up. 608 00:33:33,264 --> 00:33:34,554 Next on just one person. 609 00:33:35,155 --> 00:33:37,995 Stephanie shares what it was like when she was ripped from her home, 610 00:33:38,304 --> 00:33:41,635 days after she had been through months of unimaginable trauma. 611 00:33:42,574 --> 00:33:46,395 One morning her parents put her in the car and they took her on a seven hour 612 00:33:46,405 --> 00:33:48,514 drive, not sharing where they were going. 613 00:33:49,534 --> 00:33:51,514 She was left in an isolating place. 614 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:57,650 With no goodbyes, no hugs or reassurance that everything was going to be okay. 615 00:33:58,630 --> 00:34:02,370 She survived by playing along with complete strangers, by convincing 616 00:34:02,370 --> 00:34:06,770 them that her demons were gone, so they would simply leave her alone. 617 00:34:07,710 --> 00:34:13,170 But ultimately, she faced the hard reality of knowing that fear and control have 618 00:34:13,170 --> 00:34:18,449 officially replaced love and understanding by those who are meant to protect her. 619 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:26,139 If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, abuse, or harassment, 620 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:32,540 you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, 621 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,020 and this is available 24 7. 622 00:34:35,759 --> 00:34:41,739 You can also chat online at hotline dot RA n.org. 623 00:34:42,529 --> 00:34:47,620 Rain services are confidential, free and available to anyone in need. 624 00:34:48,465 --> 00:34:51,685 If you or someone you know is affected by child abuse or needs 625 00:34:51,685 --> 00:34:56,445 support, you can call the Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline. 626 00:34:56,955 --> 00:35:01,885 It's 1 804 a child and also available 24 7. 627 00:35:02,425 --> 00:35:08,685 You can also text four Hope to 7 4 1 7 4 1 and if you know someone 628 00:35:08,685 --> 00:35:10,285 that is contemplating suicide. 629 00:35:10,285 --> 00:35:15,085 Side, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 9 8 8. 630 00:35:15,665 --> 00:35:20,484 You can also chat online at 9 8 8 lifeline.org. 631 00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:23,404 They are also available 24 7. 632 00:35:24,185 --> 00:35:26,444 Please note resources are available. 633 00:35:27,090 --> 00:35:34,230 And we have them listed on our website at www.justonepersonpodcast.com. 634 00:35:39,260 --> 00:35:42,950 Just one person is produced by J one P Productions executive, 635 00:35:43,190 --> 00:35:46,550 produced by me, Lisa Bloom, and lead producer and story editor. 636 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,605 Kerry Caulfield sound designed by Alejandro Ramirez. 637 00:35:50,905 --> 00:35:54,205 And a special thanks to sound designer Amita Ra. 638 00:35:54,645 --> 00:35:58,245 A special thanks to voice actor Scott McKinley portraying Stephanie's 639 00:35:58,245 --> 00:36:02,085 dad, our heartfelt thank you to Stephanie's partner, Melissa Weaver. 640 00:36:02,450 --> 00:36:06,110 And my wife, Julie Leski for being a part of the podcast team. 641 00:36:06,740 --> 00:36:10,510 Also to Stephanie's three close friends, Krista Analisa and Becks 642 00:36:10,690 --> 00:36:12,230 for participating in this series. 643 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:17,830 Music for this podcast is from Epidemic Sound and Sound, Stripe original music. 644 00:36:18,575 --> 00:36:22,775 Recorded and performed by our first season's guest, Stephanie Michelle. 645 00:36:22,915 --> 00:36:24,415 And the Michelle Michelle Band. 646 00:36:30,555 --> 00:36:31,895 I'm the preacher, 647 00:36:36,675 --> 00:36:37,595 hollowed out.