You are listening to Psych to Parent where we turn brain
science into tiny wind at home.
I'm Dr. Amy, your not so typical school psychologist, mom of
two and endurance athlete.
I love a good data set and a diagnostic manual, but I also forget permission
slips, overthink IEP emails and occasionally replay the moment
I snapped at my kids in the car.
In other words, I'm in the messy middle with you.
Not above it.
This show is for parents of big feeling, big thinking, kids who
are tired of vague advice and Pinterest perfect behavior charts.
Each episode, I'll pull back the curtain on what I see in real evaluations,
school meetings, my private practice and my own kitchen, and translate
the research into simple script.
Tiny routines and nervous system friendly tweaks you can actually use.
Think of it as a nervous system.
Rehab meets mindset coaching meets a smart, slightly spicy,
non judgy friend in your earbuds.
We'll take one real life challenge at a time and shrink it down
into one or two tiny wins.
You can start this week.
No perfection, no 47 step sticker systems.
Just small repeatable shifts that add up over time.
Quick Legalish note in plain English, this podcast is for education and support.
It's not therapy.
It does not create a clinical relationship, and it's not a
substitute for personalized medical or mental health advice.
If you're worried about your child safety or mental health or your own, please
reach out to a trusted professional.
Okay?
Deep breath.
Drop your shoulders.
You're not behind and you're not alone.
Let's get psyched to parent.
you know that moment where you wanna be the fun parent, like your kid is obsessed
with something and you're like, same.
I get it.
Let's geek out together.
This week I met a family and their kiddo is deeply into Legos, not just
any Legos, though they are obsessed with the home alone Lego House set.
And I'm sitting there thinking, okay, first of all, excellent taste.
And second of all, can we please talk about the best home alone moment?
Are you a paint can kind of family or are you a micro machines on the floor?
Family.
What about the tarantula Scream?
Because honestly, that movie is basically a masterclass in tiny
problems turn into big chaos, which if you're parenting and an elementary
school aged kid is kind of familiar.
Right.
And then because.
I am who I am.
I'm also thinking, I love home alone.
I love Legos.
I wanna say yes, get the set.
It's epic.
I support this dream.
I have it too in the book to put it together.
It's like this big.
It's awesome.
I love it.
And also though, we still need to brush our teeth, we need to tie our shoes.
We still need the basic life skills that make mornings and bedtimes
not feel like a full contact sport.
Now the kiddo I met is amazing.
There's some neurodiversity there with some rigidity, and she can have
a really hard time initiating tasks.
That's like starting something for her.
Starting is the mountain.
Sometimes.
She's a little passive in her life and her parents were like.
We don't just want her doing chores.
We want her to be an active participant in her life, to take initiative, to practice,
and to be able to say things like, I can do hard things to feel proud of herself
and not like she's always making mistakes.
So we built a simple chart system that helps her practice those skills
while she earns towards something, she genuinely cares about Legos, and
that's what we're doing in this episode.
Because if you've ever tried a sticker chart, a chore checklist, a skylight
routine, a whiteboard, a laminated chart with the cutest little icons on
it, and it worked for a few days, and then it kind of not so much anymore.
After a week, you're in the right place.
Welcome back to Psych to Parent.
I'm Dr. Amy, parent coach, school psychologist, mom of two.
Home alone lover and DURs athlete.
In this episode, we're talking about sticker charts, behavior charts,
reward charts, chore checklists, whatever you call it in your house.
But we're not doing the Pinterest version.
We're doing the version that works for real families with real kids in real life.
By the end of this episode, you'll have clear directions for how to
implement a sticker chart so your child can actually be successful with it.
And so you are not pulling your hair out at the end of it.
This episode is especially for parents of kids who are in elementary school.
I'm thinking for kids who are in kindergarten through about fifth
grade, where kids are looking to do things to be able to contribute around
the house and want to help, and they like being able to earn something
for the hard work they put in.
And here's the cool part.
This is one of those rare parenting tools that truly bridges what happens
at home and what happens at school.
Schools use sticker charts and reinforcement systems all the
time to teach skills and support behavior in the school setting.
So we're going to borrow what works from school and make it doable at home.
Now before we get into it, I gotta tell you a simple truth
about why sticker charts die.
Let's name the truth.
Sticker charts usually die for two reason.
Reason number one is the reward is too far away.
A lot of charts are like, do this every day for two weeks,
and then you get the thing.
Here's the problem with that.
It can work for some kids, but for a lot of elementary school age kids, but
especially kids who may have anxiety, A DHD, maybe they're rigid, easily
overwhelmed, big feeling we're just tired.
That's just too far away to hold in their brain when things get
really hard and big feelings.
The brain is not great at doing long-term project management.
Reason number two, why sticker charts usually fall apart.
The plan is too complicated.
Parents accidentally build a system that requires administrative support.
A family once told me they had 42 chores on their skylight every day.
42. I was like, what?
Respectfully, no, that's not a chart.
That's an unpaid internship.
And then the parent becomes the manager of the internship, which is
not what any of us signed up for.
So if your chart is failing, I need you to hear this.
You're not failing.
The system needs debugging.
Your child isn't proving sticker charts don't work.
They're giving you information.
This is too big or too confusing.
It's too hard to start.
It doesn't feel possible when I'm upset.
The reward is basically imaginary to me right now because it's so far away.
That's actual useful data.
Let's talk about the brain-based reason why charts do work.
At its simplest core level, a sticker chart is a clear deal.
If you do X, then I earn Y. That's it.
If I do X, then I earn Y, and one of my favorite tests is this.
Your child should be able to explain the plan to a stranger, not with perfect
words, not like a tiny little lawyer, but something like When I brush my teeth
and put my shoes away, I get a star.
When I get five stars, I get extra Lego time.
That's it because clarity reduces arguing.
Clarity reduces anxiety.
Clarity reduces that.
Wait, what counts?
Kinda spiral That can happen.
Now, here's the school psych lens that makes it even cooler.
In schools, we don't just look at behavior as good or bad.
We ask, what is the behavior doing for the child?
What are they getting?
What are they avoiding?
Because two kids can look off task for totally different reasons.
So when a sticker chart isn't working, we don't jump to how do I make them comply?
We jump to things like, is the expectation too fuzzy?
Is a task too hard?
Is initiation a barrier?
Is the payoff too far away?
Are we accidentally reinforcing the wrong thing?
And this lines up with classic classroom management research that emphasizes
clear expectations and routines, specific feedback, and lots of chances
for kids to respond successfully.
We want kids to be successful.
I want them to win the goal.
I want them to win all the stickers and the stars.
I think that's what's so funny about my practice is I want to give
so much positive reinforcement.
Reinforcement in general so that people feel good about themselves.
But then I also know in the back of my mind, the more reinforcement
we give, the more likelihood the behavior will continue in the future.
That's what I'm after.
That's all I want.
Let's hit that feedback loop of positive reinforcement.
Negative reinforcement works too.
Reinforcement in general is amazing, and let's kind of continue that
process, get that cycle going so when we feel good, we do good.
When we do good, it pays off, makes it easier to do the next thing.
That might be really hard.
Here's the thing.
The goal is a chart that teaches a skill, supports the routine, and makes
success easier to access for your kiddo.
I like to use the three Cs framework.
I like to use the three Cs framework when it comes to
creating a sticker chart with kids.
Here is my simple framework for sticker charts that don't die.
The three C's are this clear, concise, consistent.
Let if you take nothing else from this episode, take the three C's.
Clear, concise, consistent.
Let's break 'em down.
C number one is clear.
Start with one to three target behaviors.
Max, not 10, not 12.
Definitely not 42 because your kid is not a tiny adult With a planner and a color
coded to-do list, pick the one thing that would make your day noticeably easier.
Make it tiny and observable instead of be responsible.
Try put your shoes in the bin after school instead of get ready for bed.
Try brush your teeth and pajamas on.
Instead of be kind.
It might be use a one sentence do over.
And if initiation of a task is hard, make the goal even smaller.
Start when the timer goes off.
Pick up the toothbrush and walk to the sink.
Sit at the table and open the folder.
Because for lots of kids, starting is the skill.
And yes, you can reinforce starting.
That's not lowering the bar, that's teaching the first step of a skill ladder.
Here's the parent test again.
Can your child explain the plan to a stranger?
If it requires a TED talk, it's too complicated.
C number two, close.
This is the biggest momentum killer when the reward is too far away
in big feeling kiddos, long-term rewards feel like they disappear.
So we wanna shorten the distance to success.
Now, there's two easy ways we can do this.
Option one can be mini rewards along the way.
Think of it as like earn and spend in small chunks.
One star equals they get to choose a bedtime story.
Two stars, they get 10 minutes of Lego time, three stars.
They pick music in the car, maybe five stars.
They have movie night and Friday pizza.
It's really whatever you want it to be.
You're the parent.
You get to pick the reinforcers.
And the rewards with some input from your kid.
If you're saving up for a bigger reward, like the home alone Lego set, that's fine.
That's awesome.
I love this.
But add many wins so the system doesn't feel like it's one
long, dry stretch of effort.
Then it feels like it takes so long, and the motivation to do the things
on the checklist, I feel really hard.
I kind of like, why am I doing this?
It doesn't matter.
It's not gonna happen anytime soon.
But when we have some mini things in the way, that can help
us feel a little bit better.
Another option that's really helpful for kids is something visual, like
a thermometer or a coloring bar.
This is one of my favorite K five hacks.
You can get a big thermometer, um, starting at zero all the way to a
hundred and divided into equal sets.
And each time they earn a certain level, they get to color it in.
So you can see when you're at 10%, 15%, 20%, whatever, and
the progress becomes visible.
It can be something that you put on the kitchen, refrigerator, it, maybe it hangs
on the back door of the kid's bedroom.
Maybe it's something that's taped up in the bathroom by the mirror
while we were brushing our teeth.
When progress is visible, it becomes, I'm getting closer.
It makes me want to do the things because I feel like I'm almost there.
I'm making some progress.
I can see it's working.
Does anybody else like to pressure wash your house or your driveway, and you
can see the lines as you pressure wash.
It's like, oh, it's so satisfying.
It's like, oh, I can see the effort is go, is paying off.
It's kind of the same thing with the sticker chart.
The final C is number three is consistent.
This is where charts fail because the adult system collapses.
So we wanna design a plan that you can run on a real Tuesday when you've
had work all day and you're tired.
So we design it so you can run it on a real Tuesday.
So rule number one is track at the same time every day.
Maybe it's after school snack.
Maybe it's after brushing your teeth.
Maybe it's before we use screens.
Pick one where it's easy, but you do it every day at the same time.
Rule number two, make it physically easy for you as an adult.
Maybe it's stickers on the fridge, marker on the counter,
the charts at the kid eye level.
Maybe it's a location where it's easy for you to access like the kitchen.
If you have to hunt down supplies or log into an app, reset a
password and find your phone, you're not going to do it forever.
That's not a character flaw.
That's being human.
Rule number three, early on, success should be common when you launch the
chart, your kids should win a lot.
We're building skills and confidence in your kid.
This is especially important for kids who already feel like they're bad at routines.
All right, let's talk about using behavior charts or reinforce their charts, star
charts, whatever you wanna call it.
And let's talk about some triage and how we can kind of debug the
system when things go sideways.
One of the common things I hear is when kids don't wanna start.
So this is where we might wanna make starting the target behavior and we
shrink the first step and we can use things like first then for example, first
toothbrush in hand, then sticker first shoes on, then star if your kiddo melts
down, we wanna move the reward closer, reduce the demand, and do comb first.
Because your sticker chart is not going to out muscle.
A flooded nervous system with your kiddo if they argue forever.
Reward the doing, not the debate.
Use one sentence and repeat it if you can't.
Keep up.
Cut the plan down to one behavior, one daily check-in.
That's it.
A good system is boring, and boring is sustainable.
So let's talk about some real life examples that make this concrete.
One of my favorite things I love to ask about when I have an intake session
with parents is I like to ask about riding a bike with no training wheels.
And I like to ask about being able to brush their teeth.
So this first example is teeth and shoes.
This is for kids who might have a difficult time with initiation of a task.
So targets we're gonna choose one or two.
So in this case, I might choose brush teeth, um, with start with the
morning or at night, and then shoe practice timeing for 30 seconds,
or just trying the first step.
And then they can earn a star for completion.
That five stars equals a mini reward.
And then 20 stars can be a big reward contribution, right?
We might use things like a timer saying things first, then, giving
some choice where we don't really care what choice they make.
Do you wanna brush your teeth first or put your pajamas on first?
And yes, if your kid is Lego motivated, we're using that.
We can be nerdy and functional and we're building the set and the life skills.
Also, I think something really important here is tying shoes isn't one skill.
It is a bunch of micro skills that are stacked.
So you can reinforce the steps of shoe tying and the effort
that your child puts into it.
Practice counts.
Another commonplace, where I see using things like charts is around
language and having kind words.
So the target might be using one do over sentence.
Instead of saying something like, be kind all day, that's
just too big and too vague.
So a visual could be a 10 box thermometer, and the reward might be
Friday pizza and family movie night.
Or maybe your kid gets to choose like the family activity on Friday.
This is a great homeschool shared target because teachers can notice it
quickly too and report back to you.
Here are some pairing scripts that you can borrow from me.
Keep 'em short and say them calmly.
Use 'em when you need 'em.
Script number one, I call the clear deal.
Here's the deal.
When you do X, you earn one star.
When you get five, you earn.
Why?
Script Number two is great when starting is the skill.
You don't have to do it perfectly Today, the goal is
starting, starting earns the star
script.
Number three, choice inside structure.
Do you want shoes first or teeth first?
Either way, when it's done, you earn your star.
Script number four, do overtone.
Try that again with kind words.
Keep you can keep your No, we're practicing the tone
script.
Number five, calm protects the plan.
We'll talk charts when your body is calmer.
Right now we're doing calm first script number six, preview the win.
You're close.
After this, you get to color your thermometer box.
Let's go get your progress.
And remember, if you're repeating yourself 18 times, the system
probably needs to be simplified or the first step may need to be Smaller
schools use sticker charts and reinforcement systems all the time to
reinforce skills and routines, especially when a student is working on things like
transitions, directions, work completion, interactions with his or her peers.
So you can use that as a bridge between home and school.
Sometimes it can be helpful to gather data from what the school's seeing.
Here's an example of an email that you can send to this teacher.
We're using a simple chart at home to support my child's.
Homework completion, like kind words, starting tasks or following
directions the first time?
What motivates my child at school right now and what language or routines help
them be successful with this goal?
I'd love to align what's working with school and use it at home if your
child already has a school system, you can see something like this.
Can you share the expectations and what reinforcement looks like at school?
We're trying to use the same language at home.
This is how skills generalize.
Same expectations, same language, two different settings.
All right.
Let's talk tiny wins.
Remember, pick one.
One is enough.
Tiny win.
Number one, pick one micro skill to focus on, not five.
What's one thing that will make your life just a little bit easier?
Tiny win.
Number two, move the reward closer.
Maybe there's a small win at three to five stars.
Tiny win.
Number three, if initiation is the barrier.
Make the start count.
Sometimes it's just getting started on the task.
Tiny one.
Number four, choose one.
Tracking time that you can sustain before bedtime, after homework at dinner.
Table one that works for you and that you can sustain.
Boring is predictable.
It's easy to get into a routine tiny win.
Tiny way?
Number five, send one alignment question to school.
What motivates my child right now at school?
Pick one.
One is enough.
If this episode made you feel seen, share it with a friend, especially
a parent whose sticker chart is currently mocking them from the fridge.
And if you wanna help translating school systems, testing language, and what to
ask when you're not sure what the school should be doing, grab my free toolkit.
School psych in your back pocket, the school testing toolkit K 12.
And make sure you join the tiny Ones email list so you can keep building these
small systems without doing it alone.
The links are in the show notes.
Today we took sticker charts and chore checklists out of the Pinterest
category and put them into the school's uses to teach skills category.
You've got the three C's, clear, close, consistent, so that your plan
doesn't become a 42 item monster, and your kid isn't trying to earn a
reward that's a million miles away.
When they're in big feelings mode, you've got a triage, debugger and
scripts you can use when you're tired and you don't wanna negotiate and listen.
Your kid doesn't need a home alone style.
Booby trap, obstacle course to get through bedtime.
We're going for a home alone.
Lego set energy with way fewer micro machines on the floor.
Small steps, visible progress, calm, follow through.
We will keep making the homeschool puzzle less mysterious together.
One better question at a time.
One same kid, different math reminder at a time.
One reset before request after school.
One dot log sentence, one email that's clear and firm without being a novel.
And the next time you sit at that tiny round table in that tiny chair.
Remember, schools have expertise and you are the expert on your child.
Your insight is not extra.
It's essential.
You're not behind.
You're building a partnership and you're building skills, yours and theirs.
One small doable step at a time.
Until next time, friends.
Thank you for hanging out with me on Psych to Parent.
I'm Dr. Amy.
You're not so typical school psychologist and I'm genuinely glad you're here
doing this work instead of quietly white knuckling it and blaming yourself.
Your tiny win from today's episode is simple.
Do not overhaul your entire parenting style.
Pick one idea, one sentence, or one tiny shift, and try it in
a low stakes moment this week.
Then notice what changes, even if it is just by 1%.
If you want more support, head over to site to parent.com.
You'll find show notes, simple scripts and parent friendly guides
that go with these episodes.
While you're there, make sure you join the Tiny Wins mailing list.
So you get weekly brain-based tips, real life examples.
From my work with families and first dib on new workshops and resources,
it's the easiest way for us to stay connected beyond the podcast.
If this podcast was helpful, it really does matter.
When you tap, follow or subscribe, leave a quick review or text it
to a friend who is parenting a big feeling, big hearted kid too.
This podcast is for education and encouragement.
It is not therapy and it's not a substitute for individualized care.
If you're worried about your child or yourself, please reach out to a
trusted professional in your area.
You are not behind, you are not broken.
You're building something new.
One tiny one at a time.
I'll see you in the next episode, probably with a cold
coffee in hand, cheering you on.