1 00:00:00,270 --> 00:00:04,410 This podcast is intended for mature audiences only and may contain 2 00:00:04,410 --> 00:00:06,030 content that could be triggering. 3 00:00:06,330 --> 00:00:08,160 Please listen with discretion. 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,350 I want you to truly understand how Stephanie's experiences 5 00:00:13,530 --> 00:00:18,120 shaped every decision she made, not just as a young teen, but. 6 00:00:18,334 --> 00:00:22,955 Throughout the decades that followed, you might find yourself asking, how 7 00:00:22,955 --> 00:00:25,895 could she make that choice or wonder? 8 00:00:26,015 --> 00:00:29,555 How can she laugh while recounting such painful memories? 9 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:33,485 After spending countless hours with Stephanie, I've 10 00:00:33,485 --> 00:00:35,045 come to understand something. 11 00:00:35,614 --> 00:00:38,765 Laughter is survival, and sometimes. 12 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:45,305 Repeated mistakes stem from never having had someone to guide, nurture, 13 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,945 or offer a safe space to grow. 14 00:00:48,754 --> 00:00:50,254 We ended episode three. 15 00:00:50,730 --> 00:00:55,620 Was Stephanie running away to her abuser's house where she hid in the 16 00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:58,080 backseat of their car on the floor. 17 00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:00,690 This is where her dad found her. 18 00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:06,030 Stephanie chose to hide in the most dangerous place, but it was better than 19 00:01:06,030 --> 00:01:09,120 staying in a home where she felt unsafe. 20 00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:11,670 I was terrified that I was. 21 00:01:12,524 --> 00:01:15,345 About to get destroyed by my parents. 22 00:01:15,465 --> 00:01:15,855 Yeah. 23 00:01:16,065 --> 00:01:17,745 They never asked me if I was okay. 24 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:20,565 They just were so worried about me being a good enough Christian. 25 00:01:20,595 --> 00:01:25,215 And so sitting there as an adult made me feel so sad for that 13-year-old 26 00:01:26,355 --> 00:01:29,055 because I didn't deserve that. 27 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:29,595 You know? 28 00:01:30,134 --> 00:01:31,065 Nobody does. 29 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,475 I couldn't speak. 30 00:01:32,925 --> 00:01:33,914 I wouldn't speak. 31 00:01:34,935 --> 00:01:36,645 They kept wanting me to speak. 32 00:01:36,645 --> 00:01:37,785 They were yelling at me. 33 00:01:37,845 --> 00:01:39,075 I was. 34 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,780 Angry and terrified all at the same time. 35 00:01:42,810 --> 00:01:46,500 I was angry at myself for being so stupid is how it felt. 36 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,150 I just shut. 37 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,220 I had just literally just shut down. 38 00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:52,020 I could not use words. 39 00:01:53,010 --> 00:01:55,590 I couldn't answer any of their questions because words wouldn't 40 00:01:55,590 --> 00:01:56,730 even come outta my mouth. 41 00:01:57,270 --> 00:02:01,080 I know my dad thinks I was just glaring at them, but like everything 42 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,970 inside of me just shut down. 43 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:09,960 My dad saying that he would slap that look off my face and I didn't even 44 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:14,040 know what he was talking about 'cause I wasn't in the, I wasn't with them. 45 00:02:14,065 --> 00:02:14,485 Mm-hmm. 46 00:02:14,570 --> 00:02:18,510 I could just hear them, but I was somewhere inside of myself 47 00:02:18,510 --> 00:02:20,130 and completely closed off. 48 00:02:20,610 --> 00:02:22,620 It's like I wasn't there anymore. 49 00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:27,000 I, um, I wanted so badly to disappear, you know? 50 00:02:27,690 --> 00:02:31,440 It was literally like I had a mental shutdown at that point. 51 00:02:32,250 --> 00:02:37,740 And, um, I was scared to death ages six and a half to 14. 52 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:43,410 Stephanie endured relentless emotional, psychological, spiritual, 53 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:48,480 and physical abuse at the hands of those who should have protected her. 54 00:02:49,290 --> 00:02:54,540 She suffered abuse from her uncle being repeatedly raped by neighbor 55 00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:59,130 boys down the street, and she incurred months of isolation. 56 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:04,245 And perhaps the most devastating part, she carried it all alone. 57 00:03:04,875 --> 00:03:07,155 Her parents enforced a rigid belief. 58 00:03:07,635 --> 00:03:10,995 Living a godly life is all you need. 59 00:03:10,995 --> 00:03:17,025 It was a threat to, um, their role in it was all about them still. 60 00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:17,205 Mm-hmm. 61 00:03:17,445 --> 00:03:18,585 And it was all about God. 62 00:03:19,665 --> 00:03:24,645 And that's why I said, when my dad took that first church when I was around 63 00:03:24,645 --> 00:03:28,815 seven things never were the same. 64 00:03:29,325 --> 00:03:38,025 So I was just put in a car, um, and I didn't realize there was a trunk in the 65 00:03:38,025 --> 00:03:40,425 back of this car that held my belongings. 66 00:03:40,575 --> 00:03:40,905 Okay. 67 00:03:40,905 --> 00:03:46,035 A trunk meaning a wood box with a key. 68 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,700 Basically, yeah, those ones that you could buy, they had the, um, almost 69 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:55,380 like the brass edging on 'em, you know, just little, little tiny trunk. 70 00:03:55,980 --> 00:04:02,700 And, uh, the trunk was in the trunk and I was in the backseat, and I. I, I just 71 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,430 remember, I, there was no conversation. 72 00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:11,670 We were just driving and driving, um, what felt like at least three hours to me. 73 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:14,820 Later on I looked, I'm, I am pretty sure it's a seven and a 74 00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,649 half hour drive from where we were. 75 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:20,279 Um, so it was a long drive for no communication. 76 00:04:20,325 --> 00:04:22,604 And then they just, you had no idea where you were going? 77 00:04:22,815 --> 00:04:23,474 No idea. 78 00:04:23,534 --> 00:04:26,985 I don't remember anything about that drive other than looking out the window. 79 00:04:27,344 --> 00:04:30,164 I remember a few times thinking if I opened the door dropped and rolled 80 00:04:30,164 --> 00:04:31,515 and ran, maybe I would survive. 81 00:04:32,565 --> 00:04:36,880 I thought we were taking a trip and I was about to, I. You know, get 82 00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:41,170 more of Jesus put in me or something like, whatever my parents needed to 83 00:04:41,170 --> 00:04:43,690 do to make me a better Christian. 84 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,040 I think I was still frozen. 85 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,250 What felt like maybe three hours I realized was seven and a half hours. 86 00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:48,340 Mm-hmm. 87 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:49,062 You know, it is. 88 00:04:49,067 --> 00:04:50,020 It was a long drive. 89 00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:54,790 I mean, once we drive up to these iron gates, this long drive into the farm, 90 00:04:55,030 --> 00:04:57,040 the little white houses and chapel. 91 00:04:58,099 --> 00:04:59,990 I still had no idea what was happening. 92 00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:05,659 And we pull up to this, it, it's, it's off the beaten path. 93 00:05:05,659 --> 00:05:09,229 It's in a private drive area, um, private address. 94 00:05:09,650 --> 00:05:09,890 Hmm. 95 00:05:10,099 --> 00:05:15,140 There's this exposure of just this land with a white chapel and a few 96 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,240 little white houses and a barn. 97 00:05:17,870 --> 00:05:20,180 Looked like I had arrived at the Quaker Village. 98 00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:24,950 You know, I mean, did you know first of all that there was a trunk in the trunk? 99 00:05:25,165 --> 00:05:25,645 No. 100 00:05:25,945 --> 00:05:26,215 Okay. 101 00:05:26,215 --> 00:05:27,505 I didn't even know where I was going. 102 00:05:27,505 --> 00:05:29,095 I didn't even know I was being sent away. 103 00:05:29,335 --> 00:05:33,745 I remember we went in the chapel and I sat down in the one of the 104 00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:38,425 chapel pews, and I guess my parents were talking to administration or 105 00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:43,585 whatever, and after that I ended up. 106 00:05:43,965 --> 00:05:50,655 Realizing I had a trunk, um, that they helped me take into my new place of, you 107 00:05:50,655 --> 00:05:55,845 know, living with a twin bed and another girl in the room who I didn't know. 108 00:05:55,935 --> 00:05:57,165 I was still very confused. 109 00:05:57,195 --> 00:06:00,255 The last thing on my mind that I was gonna be left somewhere. 110 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:04,245 Um, I, I just, I had no idea what was going on. 111 00:06:04,275 --> 00:06:05,475 You have no idea. 112 00:06:05,535 --> 00:06:05,655 Yeah. 113 00:06:05,655 --> 00:06:06,615 You're shy where you are. 114 00:06:06,645 --> 00:06:06,855 Yeah. 115 00:06:07,395 --> 00:06:10,545 You can't talk to anyone, so that's not a great welcome. 116 00:06:10,605 --> 00:06:13,905 You don't have any information, like you don't know where you are. 117 00:06:14,115 --> 00:06:15,375 You don't know why you're there. 118 00:06:15,855 --> 00:06:19,755 You don't know how long you're gonna be in this place and your parents are gone 119 00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,945 and you have no way to contact them. 120 00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:24,855 Um, we didn't have access to phones. 121 00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:30,555 I mean, even writing letters wasn't always accessible, so it was just 122 00:06:30,555 --> 00:06:35,205 complete abandonment at that point when your parents left the farm. 123 00:06:36,114 --> 00:06:42,054 Stephanie describes being blindly dropped off at her ninth home and sixth school. 124 00:06:42,414 --> 00:06:47,335 It was called Gateway Farm for Girls, and it was located in New Boston, Texas. 125 00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:52,765 They called themselves the Christian Children's Home claiming to restore hope 126 00:06:52,825 --> 00:06:55,974 and provide healing to risk children. 127 00:06:56,335 --> 00:07:01,465 It placed promising a stable, loving environment so children could 128 00:07:01,465 --> 00:07:03,684 reach their God-given potential. 129 00:07:04,095 --> 00:07:08,835 The catch was it was supposed to be a home for rebellious 130 00:07:08,835 --> 00:07:11,205 teenagers, or teenagers in need. 131 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:16,575 Um, and obviously it was Christian based. 132 00:07:16,575 --> 00:07:20,595 Only thing I know is that it was just supposed to be for rebellious teenagers, 133 00:07:20,595 --> 00:07:25,155 and I think because they had more of an evangelical stance, it did draw in. 134 00:07:26,325 --> 00:07:31,605 More of the kids like myself that came from Evangelical Christian Homes. 135 00:07:31,905 --> 00:07:38,325 Stephanie shares her story to show that hope exists even in a life full of trauma. 136 00:07:39,135 --> 00:07:43,365 That's why it's so jarring that gateway claimed to restore hope 137 00:07:43,365 --> 00:07:49,695 and heal at risk children because in reality, untrained individuals 138 00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:55,185 diagnosed, punished and conditioned girls through religious extremism. 139 00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:57,400 Not through true healing. 140 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,810 Been closed down and records have been sealed, so it's really 141 00:08:00,810 --> 00:08:02,070 hard to get any information. 142 00:08:02,430 --> 00:08:09,060 I recently started reading a lot of, uh, reviews online from that place, 143 00:08:09,090 --> 00:08:14,820 uh, on Reddit and Yelp, even like, things like that, and found that. 144 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:21,349 The, the girls that went there, even at their ages now, like in our forties, are 145 00:08:21,349 --> 00:08:24,169 still very traumatized from being there. 146 00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:30,950 Um, a lot of things that I see was, um, abandonment, um, you know, not getting 147 00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:33,799 proper help, obviously hard labor. 148 00:08:33,890 --> 00:08:39,199 Um, it's across the board a very same, you know, very same experience for most of us. 149 00:08:39,829 --> 00:08:41,419 I ended up getting assigned. 150 00:08:41,490 --> 00:08:44,730 To another girl and the trunk sat at the end of the bed. 151 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,060 Uh, 'cause we didn't put things in like dressers or anything. 152 00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,950 We literally just lived out of our trunks. 153 00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:53,670 I felt like it was a very isolated property. 154 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:58,590 And they're usually like eight of us in a little house with a dorm 155 00:08:58,590 --> 00:08:59,970 mom is what they called them. 156 00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:01,680 And. 157 00:09:02,205 --> 00:09:06,645 I couldn't talk to anyone other than that girl and the staff, 158 00:09:06,885 --> 00:09:08,985 it was like an isolation period. 159 00:09:09,045 --> 00:09:13,665 You have no idea where you are, why, why you're there and all of a 160 00:09:13,665 --> 00:09:17,175 sudden you can't even talk to anybody except the person you're with. 161 00:09:17,235 --> 00:09:18,675 And then your parents are gone. 162 00:09:19,155 --> 00:09:24,705 And I just remember opening the trunk and it was like none of my belongings. 163 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,595 It was all, wow, that's so crazy. 164 00:09:26,655 --> 00:09:28,545 Just new things like new pants. 165 00:09:28,545 --> 00:09:30,945 And I was excited about some of those 'cause my mom had. 166 00:09:31,410 --> 00:09:33,960 Purchased these, you know, acid washed jeans. 167 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,070 You guys, it was the early nineties. 168 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,110 And I was like, these are cool. 169 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,030 And that was kind of like fun looking through there. 170 00:09:39,030 --> 00:09:42,810 And uh, and then I realized that was, that was it. 171 00:09:42,870 --> 00:09:45,900 Like we moved around from dorm to dorm in that way. 172 00:09:45,930 --> 00:09:48,990 We carried our trunk to the next house or the next room. 173 00:09:48,990 --> 00:09:50,805 We were never in a place for very long. 174 00:09:52,109 --> 00:09:56,189 I don't remember any emotion except just feeling confused and I, I 175 00:09:56,189 --> 00:09:57,300 think that was part of the thing. 176 00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,969 You, you are the center in a new environment. 177 00:10:00,060 --> 00:10:01,260 You have no idea. 178 00:10:01,319 --> 00:10:01,500 Yeah. 179 00:10:01,619 --> 00:10:02,339 Where you are. 180 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:02,699 Yeah. 181 00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:06,300 You can't talk to anyone, so that's not a great welcome. 182 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:09,630 You don't have any information, like you don't know where you are. 183 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,100 You don't know why you're there. 184 00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:15,480 You don't know how long you're gonna be in this place and your parents are gone 185 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,550 and you have no way to contact them. 186 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,580 Um, we didn't have access to phones. 187 00:10:20,580 --> 00:10:25,920 I mean, even writing letters wasn't always accessible, so it 188 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,050 was just complete abandonment. 189 00:10:28,050 --> 00:10:35,160 At that point when your parents left the farm, gateway promised hope and healing. 190 00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:36,900 But what did that really mean? 191 00:10:37,709 --> 00:10:40,260 What does hope look like for a girl? 192 00:10:40,319 --> 00:10:46,530 Abandoned cut off from the world and denied the simple act of writing a letter. 193 00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:52,290 What does healing mean when there's no professional training, no psychological 194 00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:58,320 support, and no safety for a child who has already endured so much. 195 00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:02,460 They would only take rebellious girls that needed, you know, Jesus. 196 00:11:02,490 --> 00:11:06,390 It was like teenage rebellion, I think, from fundamentalist Christianity. 197 00:11:07,315 --> 00:11:11,395 That overflowed into us acting out as teenagers that 198 00:11:11,395 --> 00:11:13,405 landed us all in this place. 199 00:11:13,435 --> 00:11:13,525 Mm-hmm. 200 00:11:13,945 --> 00:11:18,535 Um, rebellion could literally mean like talking back to your parents, 201 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:22,975 you know, or questioning something when honestly we were probably being. 202 00:11:23,955 --> 00:11:27,555 Somewhat normal teenagers that had problems and needed help. 203 00:11:27,615 --> 00:11:30,375 You go there thinking you're just this horrible kid. 204 00:11:30,375 --> 00:11:33,465 I do remember this thinking like, I am so bad. 205 00:11:33,465 --> 00:11:34,425 I'm in a girl's home. 206 00:11:34,425 --> 00:11:35,295 You know what I mean? 207 00:11:35,985 --> 00:11:39,015 And then you start talking to other girls, and we all felt that way. 208 00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:40,605 It's like we were so rebellious. 209 00:11:40,635 --> 00:11:41,985 Everything was controlled. 210 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:44,200 You don't really have time to make friends. 211 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:46,750 I don't really remember a lot of the girls' names. 212 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,070 You know, just a handful. 213 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:53,320 You're having to adhere to a complete schedule from sunup to sundown. 214 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,790 You're in chapel every morning, and so you get up. 215 00:11:58,665 --> 00:12:01,724 Of course, you know, beds had to be like, you know, bounce a penny off of 'em. 216 00:12:02,204 --> 00:12:04,964 You have, God, our showers were timed. 217 00:12:04,964 --> 00:12:06,704 I think it was like a three minute shower. 218 00:12:06,885 --> 00:12:08,474 Um, it was difficult. 219 00:12:08,505 --> 00:12:12,555 No, no, to say the least, seriously, it must have been insane 'cause 220 00:12:12,555 --> 00:12:13,454 you couldn't do your hair. 221 00:12:13,454 --> 00:12:14,204 You're a teenager. 222 00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:18,255 You can't try to make yourself look pretty for the day or whatever you wanted to do. 223 00:12:18,255 --> 00:12:18,555 Oh, no. 224 00:12:18,555 --> 00:12:20,020 No, there was none of that. 225 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,329 You eat your breakfast altogether. 226 00:12:22,719 --> 00:12:28,449 Everybody had different chores, um, within the home, like, and it rotated every week. 227 00:12:28,839 --> 00:12:31,660 And so you had to do all those chores and these are all times, 228 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,490 and then we all go to chapel. 229 00:12:33,490 --> 00:12:36,905 I. Where we get our first dose of Christianity for the day. 230 00:12:37,175 --> 00:12:40,745 A lot of the times we would have to wear all white to church. 231 00:12:41,525 --> 00:12:47,015 So it, and of course like dresses, pantyhose, you know, the whole bit. 232 00:12:47,285 --> 00:12:49,865 It's just like, look forward and then you leave. 233 00:12:50,355 --> 00:12:53,295 I dreaded it because it was such a performance. 234 00:12:53,745 --> 00:12:56,715 Mm. They would wait for us, everybody would be seated. 235 00:12:56,985 --> 00:13:01,185 And then when marches into the first three rows, and because there were 236 00:13:01,185 --> 00:13:06,015 men or boys at these churches, we were not allowed to turn around or look. 237 00:13:06,015 --> 00:13:09,885 And if we did, that was immediately gonna be like hardly labor or isolation. 238 00:13:10,305 --> 00:13:15,255 So it was like you were, you were afraid to even look side to side with your eyes. 239 00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:19,090 It was like living in an alternate, um, reality. 240 00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:19,360 Mm-hmm. 241 00:13:19,780 --> 00:13:22,180 Like, it didn't feel real. 242 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:28,840 So, so after chapel, we walk over to the school, there was a program they used 243 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:36,340 called a CE, which was, um, a paste, you know, self-paced curriculum for school. 244 00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:39,450 This was like pack, literally packets. 245 00:13:39,450 --> 00:13:39,600 Got it. 246 00:13:39,605 --> 00:13:40,740 It's like a paper packet. 247 00:13:40,770 --> 00:13:41,490 Algebra one. 248 00:13:41,730 --> 00:13:42,900 You didn't have a teacher. 249 00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:46,980 There was one like dorm mom basically walking around and it was like you were 250 00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:52,680 in a weird cubicle, so the sides of it came beyond your head, so you couldn't 251 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:57,450 see from side to side, and you literally were just staring at the wall whole time. 252 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,260 If you needed assistance, you would have to raise your hand, wait for this lady 253 00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:05,550 to come over that had no skillset in teaching to see if they could help you. 254 00:14:06,075 --> 00:14:07,935 And there was no speaking all day. 255 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:11,805 Other than that, we sent our cubicles for a whole school day from 256 00:14:11,805 --> 00:14:13,815 like nine to three facing a wall. 257 00:14:14,025 --> 00:14:17,775 And then after that we go change our clothes to be able to work. 258 00:14:18,045 --> 00:14:21,195 So you kind of had to be choosy with which clothes you were gonna get 259 00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,205 dirty because you didn't have many. 260 00:14:23,205 --> 00:14:25,480 So yeah, wondering. 261 00:14:26,625 --> 00:14:29,084 Um, so then we work the property. 262 00:14:29,655 --> 00:14:32,985 A lot of times there was another chapel service in the evening or scripture 263 00:14:32,985 --> 00:14:34,694 memorization, things like that. 264 00:14:34,725 --> 00:14:37,155 It was a sunup to sun sundown situation. 265 00:14:37,214 --> 00:14:39,405 You have a merit and demerit system. 266 00:14:39,675 --> 00:14:44,625 Um, there's so much like cleaning and labor, things like that. 267 00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:50,430 Then everything you did wrong, and I mean wrong by like if they check the lip inside 268 00:14:50,430 --> 00:14:54,660 of ECR and it had a little dust on it that was a demerit, which could get you hard 269 00:14:54,660 --> 00:15:02,339 labor on the weekends and hard labor was dicking ditches, laying pipe, like just 270 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,800 uh, I mean anything they could think of. 271 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,260 We just worked that whole entire farm. 272 00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:09,329 I didn't mind working the farm. 273 00:15:09,525 --> 00:15:11,805 It was at least an escape in that way. 274 00:15:11,835 --> 00:15:11,925 Mm-hmm. 275 00:15:12,165 --> 00:15:15,795 Like sometimes I would get to, you know, be on the big brush hog 276 00:15:15,795 --> 00:15:20,055 tractor and mow and I, you know, those kinds of things ended up 277 00:15:20,055 --> 00:15:21,645 being kind of the fun things there. 278 00:15:21,675 --> 00:15:24,975 It was almost a privilege to get to do those things versus digging a ditch. 279 00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:28,455 And during hard labor, I mean, you guys, this is, it was a Texas heat. 280 00:15:28,905 --> 00:15:31,425 Um, there was water and food restriction. 281 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:37,050 Like if you needed water, it was not accessible and food was the same way. 282 00:15:37,050 --> 00:15:42,960 All the food was locked away and you had group meals and there's 283 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,080 not like snack times, you know, you didn't have access to anything. 284 00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:48,480 And then on the weekends, if you didn't have demerits. 285 00:15:49,065 --> 00:15:52,725 Then you got to, um, do things like ride horses. 286 00:15:53,445 --> 00:15:58,905 Uh, we had one door mom that had these old musicals, and so we get 287 00:15:58,905 --> 00:16:00,795 to watch old musicals sometimes. 288 00:16:00,855 --> 00:16:04,635 And uh, but if you had demerits, then you were digging ditches 289 00:16:04,635 --> 00:16:05,985 and, you know, stuff like that. 290 00:16:06,525 --> 00:16:09,975 I was on isolation quite a few times, which was another 291 00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:12,855 punishment where you couldn't talk to anybody for like two weeks. 292 00:16:13,335 --> 00:16:19,335 So complete silent treatment and you had to like, once again, do hard labor. 293 00:16:19,425 --> 00:16:20,775 You were still with everyone. 294 00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:23,205 You just could not speak to anyone. 295 00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:28,454 And if they talk to you, I mean, they were gonna end up getting on isolation too. 296 00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,194 So it was very well guarded. 297 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,805 It was more of a cult-like church. 298 00:16:32,805 --> 00:16:32,895 Mm-hmm. 299 00:16:32,990 --> 00:16:37,089 And you don't go to, um, professional, you know mm-hmm. 300 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,084 People to get help. 301 00:16:38,505 --> 00:16:42,584 You go to a Christian counselor who is not licensed, it's just 302 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,844 another member of the church. 303 00:16:43,844 --> 00:16:46,694 Or you end up in situations like the girl's home where. 304 00:16:47,130 --> 00:16:52,890 Also there were not licensed therapists, and if they were, they were brainwashed 305 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,750 with, you know, fundamentalist beliefs. 306 00:16:54,750 --> 00:17:01,080 Anyway, our form of therapy, there were deliverance ceremonies, and so every 307 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,640 now and then you would get pulled in. 308 00:17:03,070 --> 00:17:05,860 By the administrator, her name was June. 309 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:12,040 I wanted to interview June Bernard Ashworth, the woman behind Gateway, to 310 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:16,870 ask about the school's teachings and their so-called restoration methods, 311 00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:19,150 but I found her obituary instead. 312 00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:21,910 She passed an April, 2021. 313 00:17:22,540 --> 00:17:26,260 Her obituary listed several biblical studies she authored, 314 00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:28,720 but I couldn't find a single one. 315 00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:34,935 What I did find were blog posts from former students, women still unable 316 00:17:34,935 --> 00:17:36,794 to obtain their student records. 317 00:17:37,245 --> 00:17:40,575 Each one suffering from PTSD, each one. 318 00:17:40,575 --> 00:17:45,855 Speaking of spiritual abuse, many recall June Bernard Ashworth 319 00:17:46,004 --> 00:17:49,725 personally diagnosing them as Demonically schizophrenic. 320 00:17:50,264 --> 00:17:56,054 But according to the American Psychiatric Association, that diagnosis doesn't exist. 321 00:17:56,985 --> 00:18:02,175 So if these girls weren't receiving medical treatment or legitimate therapy, 322 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:04,815 what exactly were they being subjected to? 323 00:18:05,145 --> 00:18:08,745 And you would go into a deliverance ceremony, which means 324 00:18:09,405 --> 00:18:11,054 that you were full of demons. 325 00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:13,659 And you had to start naming those demons. 326 00:18:13,750 --> 00:18:16,030 If you had to leave a group of girls or something and be like, oh, I'm 327 00:18:16,030 --> 00:18:17,439 going to a deliverance ceremony. 328 00:18:17,439 --> 00:18:18,550 And it was like, oh, good luck. 329 00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:19,929 You know, everybody, it was like normal. 330 00:18:19,929 --> 00:18:21,490 Everybody knew it was normal. 331 00:18:21,730 --> 00:18:25,450 Even if you're still kind of faking your way through it, it still feels 332 00:18:25,450 --> 00:18:28,300 like something's wrong with you because you, you really do feel like something's 333 00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,770 inside of you that needs to come out. 334 00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:32,649 And when you're raised evangelical, you do believe in demons. 335 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:32,770 Oh yeah. 336 00:18:32,770 --> 00:18:33,550 Inside of you. 337 00:18:33,639 --> 00:18:34,605 Would you land dead in. 338 00:18:34,630 --> 00:18:37,180 Think I really kind of, even though I faked it, I hope I 339 00:18:37,180 --> 00:18:38,680 did get anything bad outta me. 340 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,460 Did you have this type of thought? 341 00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:40,480 Oh, absolutely. 342 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,470 I'm like, I hope whatever is bad in me is out because I just, I had 343 00:18:44,650 --> 00:18:48,490 from birth, my mom made me feel like something inside of me was bad. 344 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:48,700 Wow. 345 00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:52,300 And so it's like, please, for the love of God, let's get this thing out of me. 346 00:18:53,045 --> 00:18:55,835 You would usually be in the room with three adults. 347 00:18:55,865 --> 00:18:59,375 One was June, and then there were two other female adults. 348 00:18:59,435 --> 00:19:02,375 And you would be sitting in a chair and you had to make sure you were 349 00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,085 sitting up straight feet on the floor. 350 00:19:04,475 --> 00:19:06,935 One person would be at your feet holding them down. 351 00:19:07,235 --> 00:19:10,265 One person would be by your arms, just in case. 352 00:19:10,265 --> 00:19:12,605 You know, the demon came out, it was violent. 353 00:19:12,605 --> 00:19:13,145 I don't know. 354 00:19:13,535 --> 00:19:15,695 And then June would be in front of you. 355 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,135 They would start praying for you. 356 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,070 And then they would say demon speak, you know, things like that. 357 00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:25,660 And you would stay in that room for hours getting prayed for, 358 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:32,530 lay it on of hands like yelled at until you, that demon was named. 359 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:35,620 And so you get tired 'cause you're gonna sit there until 360 00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:37,000 you come up with some demon. 361 00:19:37,275 --> 00:19:37,425 How long? 362 00:19:38,355 --> 00:19:39,375 I don't remember. 363 00:19:39,375 --> 00:19:42,315 I just remember sometimes it was like you were in there for a few hours on a 364 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:46,455 few occasions during Deliverances where I would all of a sudden start grabbing the 365 00:19:46,455 --> 00:19:51,555 chair really tight and kind of making my H shake and getting really rigid and saying 366 00:19:51,945 --> 00:19:54,315 one, oh Lord, this is so embarrassing. 367 00:19:54,315 --> 00:19:57,525 But one, one was like, it's the demon thrasher. 368 00:19:57,855 --> 00:19:58,965 Thrasher's coming out. 369 00:19:58,965 --> 00:19:59,830 Oh my gosh. 370 00:19:59,835 --> 00:20:03,855 And, um, the reason I chose Thrasher at the time was because I loved skateboarding 371 00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:07,125 and Thrasher was a skateboard brand, but I knew they wouldn't know that. 372 00:20:07,575 --> 00:20:12,705 But, um, so then June proceeds to call the demon of Thrasher out that's causing all 373 00:20:12,705 --> 00:20:17,925 these rebellious tendencies and, you know, hell like behavior to come out of me. 374 00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,805 And then you would just relax your body like, oh, thank you so 375 00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:22,605 much, you've released this demon. 376 00:20:23,115 --> 00:20:24,645 Uh, it, it was insane. 377 00:20:24,675 --> 00:20:24,795 Like. 378 00:20:25,245 --> 00:20:28,335 I would they hug you and give you any physical attention? 379 00:20:28,335 --> 00:20:29,595 I don't remember afterwards. 380 00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:29,625 Okay. 381 00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:32,145 I mean, it was like you couldn't get outta that room fast enough and 382 00:20:32,145 --> 00:20:33,345 it was always like a little room. 383 00:20:33,345 --> 00:20:34,515 I mean, you were isolated. 384 00:20:34,545 --> 00:20:34,635 Yeah. 385 00:20:34,905 --> 00:20:37,575 It's like you would tell in like, um, and this happened a few times 386 00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:40,635 and I did perform like the same types of behavior every time where 387 00:20:40,635 --> 00:20:44,925 I finally just, I just couldn't take anymore and would name something. 388 00:20:44,925 --> 00:20:45,015 Sure. 389 00:20:45,615 --> 00:20:46,305 Like who wouldn't. 390 00:20:46,395 --> 00:20:46,725 Yeah. 391 00:20:46,725 --> 00:20:50,115 Even one time she'd asked me, like, if you were. 392 00:20:50,735 --> 00:20:51,635 Anything. 393 00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:54,695 If you could be anything right now, what is your body telling you? 394 00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:57,785 And I was like, oh God, you know, like I'm supposed to be 395 00:20:57,785 --> 00:20:59,345 talking to a demon inside of me. 396 00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:02,795 And I was like, I'm a fly a fly on the wall so I can see everything. 397 00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:05,495 I'm like, I remember, this is crazy. 398 00:21:05,495 --> 00:21:09,515 Walking out of that thinking, this is the stupidest answer, not getting 399 00:21:09,515 --> 00:21:12,395 proper help, obviously hard labor. 400 00:21:12,425 --> 00:21:17,795 Um, it's across the board a very same, you know, very same experience for most of us. 401 00:21:18,365 --> 00:21:21,420 There was one comment I. Saw where they were like, oh, I 402 00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:24,750 wrapped that up in a little black box and never opened it again. 403 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:31,170 So they caused a lot of, um, trauma and PTSD and then they'd send you back out 404 00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:33,750 into the world with no coping skills. 405 00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:34,470 Was less skills. 406 00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:36,270 I don't remember getting new clothes. 407 00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:39,449 And we had a trunk and that was it. 408 00:21:40,050 --> 00:21:42,990 What the girls and I would do is some of us would end up trading clothes 409 00:21:43,050 --> 00:21:46,320 and that way we did feel like we were wearing something different. 410 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:46,350 Okay. 411 00:21:46,649 --> 00:21:48,929 Um, some of us even traded shoes. 412 00:21:49,290 --> 00:21:52,260 I traded some boots that I had for a cool pair of Doc 413 00:21:52,260 --> 00:21:54,330 Martins 'cause I never had them. 414 00:21:54,330 --> 00:21:56,820 And then later on traded those for another pair, you know, 'cause 415 00:21:56,820 --> 00:21:58,139 you're trying to get new stuff. 416 00:21:58,139 --> 00:21:59,879 And then I was like, man, I should have cut those dock marks. 417 00:22:00,959 --> 00:22:04,949 But yeah, so I mean we had like, I guess our own little bartering system. 418 00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:05,340 Yeah. 419 00:22:05,399 --> 00:22:05,699 Just. 420 00:22:05,710 --> 00:22:08,140 Because clothes were, I mean, God, we were teens. 421 00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:09,160 That was a fun thing. 422 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:13,690 One of the girls was taking French and I was taking sign language, and 423 00:22:13,690 --> 00:22:16,120 we both tried to teach each other a little bit of what we had learned. 424 00:22:16,150 --> 00:22:18,160 If you had another girl that needed. 425 00:22:18,659 --> 00:22:21,240 Help and assistance and you were better at it. 426 00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:25,470 'cause I knew one girl that was really good at like, um, I think 427 00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:29,909 it was math, like little genius and she would help tutor some of 428 00:22:29,909 --> 00:22:31,560 the other girls that needed help. 429 00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:31,800 Okay. 430 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:32,100 Good. 431 00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:33,600 So we just started sticking together. 432 00:22:34,070 --> 00:22:35,600 Because there's no hotline. 433 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,870 You can call and say, I don't know how to do algebra. 434 00:22:39,139 --> 00:22:42,470 You know, I do remember having a crush on a girl while I was out there. 435 00:22:42,470 --> 00:22:47,210 Her name was this long red hair, and she'd rock across the field and I thought 436 00:22:47,210 --> 00:22:51,560 I was gonna get struck by lightning because I had, you know, like thoughts 437 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,090 of her being so pretty, you know? 438 00:22:53,419 --> 00:22:53,600 Mm-hmm. 439 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,899 We're not talking about sexual thoughts, just thoughts of like 440 00:22:56,899 --> 00:22:59,810 feeling this weird crush of like, oh my gosh, she's so pretty. 441 00:23:00,139 --> 00:23:01,760 I think they were all worried about any of us. 442 00:23:01,780 --> 00:23:02,740 Being gay already. 443 00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:06,280 So we had been warned that if we thought about another girl or if we 444 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:11,230 masturbated or anything like that, that God would tell June and then June would 445 00:23:11,230 --> 00:23:12,580 have to put us through a deliverance. 446 00:23:12,580 --> 00:23:14,410 Plus she would have hard labor and demerits. 447 00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:19,750 As I dug deeper, I found stories eerily similar to Stephanie's. 448 00:23:20,295 --> 00:23:24,105 One former student was punished until she produced a written list of 449 00:23:24,105 --> 00:23:27,465 demons supposedly inside her a list. 450 00:23:27,675 --> 00:23:31,575 June Bernard Ashworth demanded before anointing her with oil 451 00:23:31,575 --> 00:23:33,405 and praying to cast them out. 452 00:23:34,155 --> 00:23:35,985 Reading these accounts, it became clear. 453 00:23:36,810 --> 00:23:41,430 When extreme religious beliefs are forced upon vulnerable children, 454 00:23:41,879 --> 00:23:46,620 what's called deliverance, can quickly become something else entirely. 455 00:23:47,129 --> 00:23:53,790 Privileges were like getting to go off property to June's June, beautiful house, 456 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:57,720 um, and getting to clean her house. 457 00:23:58,050 --> 00:23:58,110 Wow. 458 00:23:58,350 --> 00:24:00,960 And I remember she would make me a sandwich and because our food 459 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,639 was kind of nasty at the farm. 460 00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:06,900 Just remember thinking like, oh wow, this is the best sandwich I've ever had. 461 00:24:07,290 --> 00:24:11,280 And it would just be me and I'd be out there just cleaning her house all day. 462 00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:14,220 Um, she had these French chandeliers and stuff. 463 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:19,170 I mean, we were, we operated that farm, there's no doubt about it. 464 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:21,120 I mean, I was on hardly labor a lot. 465 00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:25,310 But I always tried not to be because I wanted to ride horses. 466 00:24:25,909 --> 00:24:31,010 I ended up, uh, getting to play the piano quite a bit and when they would 467 00:24:31,010 --> 00:24:34,250 have like graduations, because some people would graduate from school 468 00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:37,639 early while they were in the program because a CE was a self-paced. 469 00:24:37,700 --> 00:24:38,149 Okay. 470 00:24:38,210 --> 00:24:41,810 And so we would have graduation ceremonies for them in the chapel, and I was the 471 00:24:41,810 --> 00:24:44,600 one that played the, the ceremony march. 472 00:24:45,225 --> 00:24:47,625 I between the piano and the horses. 473 00:24:47,625 --> 00:24:49,935 I think that was my life saver out there. 474 00:24:49,995 --> 00:24:52,935 And so eventually you start talking to other girls as 475 00:24:52,935 --> 00:24:53,925 you're there a little longer. 476 00:24:53,925 --> 00:24:58,005 'cause you get off isolation and realize that some girls 477 00:24:58,005 --> 00:25:00,075 have been there six months. 478 00:25:00,105 --> 00:25:02,025 Some girls have been there two years. 479 00:25:02,595 --> 00:25:04,605 Some girls have never seen their parents again. 480 00:25:06,705 --> 00:25:10,815 I looked into Texas laws specifically on religious leaders 481 00:25:10,815 --> 00:25:12,915 providing counseling and diagnosis. 482 00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:15,330 The reality is troubling. 483 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:21,570 No formal training or licensure is required under ministerial duties. 484 00:25:21,690 --> 00:25:25,650 They can legally counsel children without any background 485 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:28,230 in psychology or mental health. 486 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,900 Our parents were told not to question. 487 00:25:31,525 --> 00:25:34,405 So it wasn't just a brainwashing of us. 488 00:25:34,405 --> 00:25:34,495 Mm-hmm. 489 00:25:34,825 --> 00:25:39,475 I think it was also a control of the parental units as well. 490 00:25:39,475 --> 00:25:39,565 Mm-hmm. 491 00:25:39,895 --> 00:25:43,855 And they just trusted because they wanted us so badly to be better 492 00:25:43,855 --> 00:25:48,685 Christian girls and they trusted this Christian, you know, program. 493 00:25:49,195 --> 00:25:51,445 It was expensive and they. 494 00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:54,110 They take money, you know, from these parents. 495 00:25:54,110 --> 00:25:56,150 And there's also a brainwashing to parents. 496 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,490 You know, the parents are not supposed to question the process, so I don't 497 00:26:01,490 --> 00:26:03,530 think they realized what was going on. 498 00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:07,370 I don't think letters were ever, ever sent out if we complained about anything. 499 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:11,570 I mean that they read our stuff, you know, coming in and out and, um, 500 00:26:11,930 --> 00:26:14,810 I don't remember if I got letters. 501 00:26:14,900 --> 00:26:20,225 I. If I did, it was very few, um, or they weren't actually given to me. 502 00:26:20,225 --> 00:26:20,915 I don't know. 503 00:26:21,004 --> 00:26:25,985 So it's, it's not like we had the opportunity to say, I'm in prison and 504 00:26:25,985 --> 00:26:30,815 I've got a tear up the front of my shin that probably needs stitches, but 505 00:26:30,815 --> 00:26:33,905 I can't go to the doctor and you I, because these things are happening. 506 00:26:33,905 --> 00:26:35,550 People couldn't even get medical care out there. 507 00:26:35,735 --> 00:26:37,774 So it would've been rebellion. 508 00:26:37,774 --> 00:26:37,835 Yeah. 509 00:26:37,865 --> 00:26:39,950 There was no way I was going to complain. 510 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:40,389 Right. 511 00:26:41,085 --> 00:26:44,955 Because in these situations, you're on isolation so much just in regular 512 00:26:44,985 --> 00:26:48,945 daily life because of the way the schedule was that if you got put on 513 00:26:48,945 --> 00:26:52,245 isolation for two weeks and couldn't talk to anybody, I mean, that was 514 00:26:52,274 --> 00:26:56,535 extremely harmful to your mind. 515 00:26:56,925 --> 00:26:59,295 So they didn't physically beat you or. 516 00:26:59,689 --> 00:27:00,080 No. 517 00:27:00,230 --> 00:27:04,100 Did you have any negative sexual encounter or anything like that there? 518 00:27:04,159 --> 00:27:04,490 No. 519 00:27:04,699 --> 00:27:04,790 Okay. 520 00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:05,689 That is one thing. 521 00:27:05,689 --> 00:27:10,370 I know that there was one of the sister locations that I do believe 522 00:27:10,370 --> 00:27:14,330 there were accusations of that happening, but at our location that 523 00:27:14,330 --> 00:27:17,030 was uh, fortunately not the case. 524 00:27:17,030 --> 00:27:21,889 There was no physical abuse and there was no sexual abuse, even 525 00:27:21,889 --> 00:27:26,750 though life was not good at home, and I'd been abandoned there. 526 00:27:27,435 --> 00:27:29,445 Abandonment still feels bad. 527 00:27:29,895 --> 00:27:35,595 And you're also missing out on so much of life, like your parents, your 528 00:27:35,595 --> 00:27:37,784 siblings, your family, everybody goes on. 529 00:27:37,784 --> 00:27:37,875 Mm-hmm. 530 00:27:38,205 --> 00:27:42,195 And they're living experience things outside of this place. 531 00:27:42,825 --> 00:27:47,655 I mean, at first I didn't play the system. 532 00:27:47,955 --> 00:27:52,185 And then there's that point where like, I am never gonna get outta here and. 533 00:27:53,534 --> 00:27:55,514 I'm never gonna see my family again. 534 00:27:55,605 --> 00:27:59,955 I like, yeah, you had just been brainwashed and you just started adhering 535 00:27:59,955 --> 00:28:01,455 to the program so you could get out. 536 00:28:01,514 --> 00:28:02,895 You're not learning anything. 537 00:28:02,925 --> 00:28:04,335 You're not doing better. 538 00:28:04,815 --> 00:28:07,784 Then there's that point where you're like, I am never gonna get out of here 539 00:28:08,355 --> 00:28:12,195 and I'm never gonna see my family again. 540 00:28:12,254 --> 00:28:19,155 I, you're just trying to get out and then you're collectively playing the system. 541 00:28:19,860 --> 00:28:23,010 And so there was something a little bit kind of fun about 542 00:28:23,010 --> 00:28:25,590 that, um, because we all knew it. 543 00:28:25,890 --> 00:28:26,010 Mm-hmm. 544 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:27,120 Yeah. 545 00:28:27,330 --> 00:28:28,470 Who's gonna get out first? 546 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:28,770 Yeah. 547 00:28:28,770 --> 00:28:29,400 You know what I mean? 548 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:30,480 It was that kind of feeling. 549 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:31,560 Who's escaping? 550 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,570 So I started adhering to the program. 551 00:28:33,690 --> 00:28:33,900 Okay. 552 00:28:33,900 --> 00:28:35,100 You start trying to be good. 553 00:28:35,190 --> 00:28:38,610 They came and visited once, and I remember it must've been around 554 00:28:38,610 --> 00:28:41,310 Christmas time and we ended up. 555 00:28:41,615 --> 00:28:44,975 I think it was like, I was six months into the program and we ended up 556 00:28:44,975 --> 00:28:47,375 staying in a hotel in New Boston. 557 00:28:47,555 --> 00:28:50,075 We had a Christmas tree and there were, you know, gifts everywhere. 558 00:28:50,165 --> 00:28:52,625 I think it was like my brother or something had a shrinky dink mm-hmm. 559 00:28:52,631 --> 00:28:53,225 For Christmas. 560 00:28:53,285 --> 00:28:53,585 Oh yeah. 561 00:28:53,585 --> 00:28:53,945 I love those. 562 00:28:53,945 --> 00:28:57,725 And I do remember us all making shrinky, dinks, you know, together, but. 563 00:28:58,095 --> 00:29:02,865 It was a really good feeling to, you know, just be a part of a 564 00:29:02,865 --> 00:29:04,755 family I hadn't seen in six months. 565 00:29:04,755 --> 00:29:09,135 And everything seemed so happy and I seemed okay because I was working 566 00:29:09,135 --> 00:29:13,635 the program and I was doing my best on that trip because if you do 567 00:29:13,635 --> 00:29:15,555 really well, maybe you get sent home. 568 00:29:15,855 --> 00:29:17,745 Sometimes we wouldn't know 'cause they wouldn't come back. 569 00:29:18,345 --> 00:29:22,455 And so if you, if they didn't realize they were gonna get to 570 00:29:22,455 --> 00:29:25,935 leave, they were just gone and. 571 00:29:26,715 --> 00:29:28,425 I thought that could happen to me. 572 00:29:28,425 --> 00:29:29,955 Maybe this is my chance. 573 00:29:29,955 --> 00:29:30,855 I'm outta here. 574 00:29:31,274 --> 00:29:36,405 And so once again, it's, it's literally like all over again 575 00:29:36,585 --> 00:29:40,215 a feeling of abandonment and a feeling of worthlessness. 576 00:29:40,905 --> 00:29:45,645 And sometimes it just like, you know, a parents would just ask 577 00:29:45,645 --> 00:29:49,635 their kids, just ask them what's wrong or what's going on, and being 578 00:29:49,635 --> 00:29:53,054 receptive to the answer no matter what it is, you know, it could cause. 579 00:29:53,070 --> 00:29:56,550 So much less pain in a child's life, you know? 580 00:29:56,639 --> 00:29:56,939 Yeah. 581 00:29:56,939 --> 00:29:57,689 Question, right? 582 00:29:57,780 --> 00:29:59,610 Because you don't know what the answer is gonna be. 583 00:29:59,610 --> 00:29:59,794 You don't. 584 00:29:59,794 --> 00:30:00,629 You might not like it. 585 00:30:01,260 --> 00:30:01,950 Yeah. 586 00:30:01,950 --> 00:30:05,189 To ask you that question would make them look at themselves, right? 587 00:30:05,189 --> 00:30:07,710 They never wanted to know the answers to anything. 588 00:30:08,909 --> 00:30:12,270 They just wanted us to be the perfect God-fearing children that 589 00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:13,560 they imagined they would have. 590 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:14,700 I guess, I don't know. 591 00:30:15,270 --> 00:30:18,720 A lot of the comments that I see from the girls online that 592 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:20,070 were in the same, you know. 593 00:30:20,195 --> 00:30:22,115 Program, same timeframe. 594 00:30:22,685 --> 00:30:28,024 Some of them obviously have had children since then, and that's one thing I 595 00:30:28,024 --> 00:30:34,294 see constantly is like, I would never send my child to a program like this. 596 00:30:34,595 --> 00:30:38,375 Why in the world wouldn't you get professional help if your child's 597 00:30:38,375 --> 00:30:42,395 cutting, if your child's become anorexic, if your child's lashing out, 598 00:30:43,054 --> 00:30:44,945 why would you just send them away? 599 00:30:45,004 --> 00:30:48,034 Especially to a place that you're not questioning what 600 00:30:48,034 --> 00:30:49,415 they're doing with your child? 601 00:30:50,055 --> 00:30:56,445 I mean, I, that's the part of me that gets really frustrated with the fundamentalist 602 00:30:56,445 --> 00:30:59,925 religion side of our family is that. 603 00:31:00,555 --> 00:31:06,765 Why if you have a teen that's having issues, why was it so easy for you 604 00:31:06,765 --> 00:31:12,375 to just take that teen and get rid of them and put them in a place 605 00:31:12,975 --> 00:31:14,865 where they're getting no help? 606 00:31:15,045 --> 00:31:16,665 They're literally just working. 607 00:31:16,665 --> 00:31:22,215 They working and working, and then getting demons cast out of them, and then. 608 00:31:22,275 --> 00:31:26,355 Playing a program to get sent back home to where you've gotta be a 609 00:31:26,355 --> 00:31:29,865 perfect child, at least for a little while, so they know it worked. 610 00:31:29,895 --> 00:31:29,985 Mm-hmm. 611 00:31:30,225 --> 00:31:33,495 So you don't get sent away again, because then once you get back home, 612 00:31:34,125 --> 00:31:38,025 it's this constant fear of like, I could literally be sent away at any moment. 613 00:31:38,115 --> 00:31:38,595 Yeah. 614 00:31:38,715 --> 00:31:41,085 Like you never, ever have security. 615 00:31:41,085 --> 00:31:44,055 I didn't have security before because I was holding on to so 616 00:31:44,055 --> 00:31:45,825 many things and I had parents that. 617 00:31:47,145 --> 00:31:51,285 Did not give me coping skills and God was the only way anything 618 00:31:51,285 --> 00:31:53,175 was ever gonna work in our lives. 619 00:31:53,925 --> 00:31:59,595 And then I go to this place where you have to learn to mask your 620 00:31:59,595 --> 00:32:06,315 behaviors and mask, you know, and be people pleasing to get out, just 621 00:32:06,315 --> 00:32:08,445 to go back to a place to still be. 622 00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:13,305 The good girl they want you to be so you don't get put back in that place. 623 00:32:13,485 --> 00:32:17,625 It's real fucked up and I I, to this day, I cannot live with a trunk and a 624 00:32:17,625 --> 00:32:25,005 house because it's just such a bad memory for me next time on just one person. 625 00:32:25,545 --> 00:32:27,675 I wanted my dad to be proud of me. 626 00:32:28,245 --> 00:32:35,085 Those words, simple but powerful, explain so much of what came next for Stephanie. 627 00:32:35,790 --> 00:32:42,090 A forced testimony full of lies, a man who became her worst nightmare. 628 00:32:42,780 --> 00:32:47,129 What happens when trauma is rewritten into something it never was? 629 00:32:47,790 --> 00:32:53,070 And when the truth finally surfaces, what does survival really look like? 630 00:32:53,189 --> 00:32:59,250 Stephanie Untangles the story she was forced to tell and replaces 631 00:32:59,250 --> 00:33:01,740 it with her real testimony. 632 00:33:03,149 --> 00:33:07,500 Listen to just one person on Spotify, apple Podcast or 633 00:33:07,500 --> 00:33:09,389 wherever you get your podcast. 634 00:33:09,810 --> 00:33:14,610 Visit just one person podcast.com for more information. 635 00:33:15,510 --> 00:33:21,090 On this episode, at 14, Stephanie is set to Gateway Farm for girls, a Christian 636 00:33:21,090 --> 00:33:26,129 reform school where strict discipline, hard labor, and religious indoctrination. 637 00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:29,590 Replace care and support cutoff from the world. 638 00:33:29,649 --> 00:33:34,419 She endures emotional and psychological control, including deliverance. 639 00:33:34,419 --> 00:33:39,040 Ceremonies meant to cast out demons as she unpacks her trauma. 640 00:33:39,220 --> 00:33:41,889 Stephanie reflects on the lasting scars of. 641 00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:46,705 Abandonment and the fear of being sent away again, and how survival 642 00:33:46,705 --> 00:33:49,645 meant learning to play the system. 643 00:33:50,605 --> 00:33:55,314 If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, abuse, or harassment, 644 00:33:55,645 --> 00:34:02,605 you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE and this. 645 00:34:02,605 --> 00:34:04,610 Is available 24 7. 646 00:34:05,179 --> 00:34:11,000 You can also chat online at hotline dot RAIN n.org. 647 00:34:11,569 --> 00:34:16,909 Rain services are confidential, free and available to anyone in need. 648 00:34:17,569 --> 00:34:20,719 If you or someone you know is affected by child abuse or need 649 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:25,610 support, you can call the Child Help National Child Abuse Hotline. 650 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:31,220 It's 1 804 a child and also available 24 7. 651 00:34:31,550 --> 00:34:38,030 You can also text four Hope to 7 4 1 7 4 1, and if you know someone that 652 00:34:38,030 --> 00:34:44,750 is contemplating suicide, you can also chat online at 9 8 8 lifeline.org. 653 00:34:45,230 --> 00:34:47,840 They are also available 24 7. 654 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:52,160 Please note resources are available and we have them list. 655 00:34:52,449 --> 00:34:58,569 On our website at www.justonepersonpodcast.com. 656 00:35:00,609 --> 00:35:04,930 Just one person is produced by J one P Productions executive, produced 657 00:35:04,930 --> 00:35:09,190 by me, Lisa Blum, and lead producer and story editor, Carrie Caulfield 658 00:35:09,460 --> 00:35:12,040 Sound, designed by Alejandro Ramez. 659 00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,520 And a special thanks to sound designer, Amita Ra. 660 00:35:15,820 --> 00:35:19,480 A special thanks to voice actor Scott McKinley portraying Stephanie's 661 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:23,245 dad, our heartfelt thank you to Stephanie's partner, Melissa 662 00:35:23,245 --> 00:35:27,640 Weaver, and my wife Julie Leski for being a part of the podcast team. 663 00:35:27,970 --> 00:35:31,990 Also to Stephanie's three close friends, Krista, Anisa, and Becks 664 00:35:32,020 --> 00:35:33,760 for participating in this series. 665 00:35:34,060 --> 00:35:38,200 Music for this podcast is from Epidemic Sound and Sound, Stripe. 666 00:35:38,540 --> 00:35:42,350 Original music recorded and performed by our first season's 667 00:35:42,350 --> 00:35:44,240 guest, Stephanie Michelle. 668 00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:45,980 And the Michelle Michelle Band. 669 00:35:49,490 --> 00:35:50,615 I'm the preacher, 670 00:35:55,155 --> 00:35:55,995 hollowed out.