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Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich,

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 and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life.

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Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye.

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A friend recently told me she's pretty good at being kind and respectful, compassionate, 

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understanding, and patient with strangers, colleagues, and neighbors, for example,

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but when it comes to her husband, she's very quick to anger, raise her voice, judge, belittle,

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really show the ugliest side of herself, and the same is true with her kids and siblings.

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But, she's apparently not alone. I witness people reserving the worst behavior

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for the people closest to them; the same people they claim to love,

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while being so gentle and kind toward strangers and acquaintances.

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It's a behavior I have never quite understood, which has actually gotten in the way

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of many of my relationships.

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So I recently asked online why we don't strive to be as kind, understanding, or as patient

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as possible with the people we love? Why do they have to see the worst in us?

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Why is kindness so difficult?

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Well, an overwhelming majority of readers and listeners explained the reason 

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they are short-tempered, rude, and sometimes downright mean and nasty 

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toward family members, yet, nice toward strangers is because they feel more 

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comfortable and secure with family who love them and are quote-unquote "Forced"

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to put up with them, no matter what, because they are family.

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And, yes, we spend more time with the people closest to us than we do with strangers,

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so there's something to be said about family being more likely to get on our nerves,

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but what confuses me isn't other people's behavior, it's our own.

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How is it people feel so secure in their relationships with family, so much so that

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they can be disrespectful and resentful toward them, while I'm the other way around:

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I actually reserve the very best of me for the people closest to me, 

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the ones I see most often. And to better understand why I have such a difficult time

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relating to people on this front, and for this episode to make sense, I need to reiterate

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some things I've previously mentioned in my books and public talks, so bear with me

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if you've heard some of this before. 

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While the family dynamics with which I was raised greatly differ from anything typical,

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there is an interestingly unexpected silver lining to all of that dysfunction.

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You see, my parents met when they were fifteen, and they got married at eighteen. 

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There was some argument between my father's side of the family and my mother 

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when she was a teenager, and she decided that all of his relatives are horrible people 

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with whom she wanted to have absolutely no relationship. So much so that when they

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got married, they made up a new last name because she didn't want to carry his.

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A few years after they married, when my sister and I were born, my mother

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never allowed either of us to meet anyone from my father's side of the family.

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What neither parent realized was going to happen when they cut family members

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out of their lives forever, and made up a new family name when they got married,

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was that it communicated a certain lesson to a kid who didn't really understand what was

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going on: it taught me that it's perfectly okay cut people out of your life if they do

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something you don't like, even if those people are related to you by blood.

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As it turns out, I didn't understand the definition of the word "Family" at all,

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I confused it with the word "Relatives." 

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Family, as I define it now, is not necessarily made up of people to whom you are related 

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by blood; Family is the people in your life who want you in theirs, the people who accept you

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for who you are, they are the ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love

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you no matter what. Yes, sometimes Family is blood-related, but not always.

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We've all heard the phrase "Blood is thicker than water," and I always assumed it meant

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that blood-related family is more important than anyone outside that circle.

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It wasn't until recently that I learned the origin of that phrase:

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"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,"

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it literally means the opposite of what I always thought it did.

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Our chosen family bond is actually stronger than the ones to which we are born.

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And I wasn't raised with a family to whom I can be rude, mean, or disrespectful, 

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because I've seen them cut family members out of their lives left and right. 

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Heck, my parents disowned me for three years during which I was dead to them 

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because they didn't approve of who I was dating at the time.

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I essentially learned early on that relationships, all relationships, 

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were disposable, fragile, and therefore require nourishment because anything toxic

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can literally end the relationship. In a weird way, I guess I'm saying I'm grateful for what

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I thought was dismissive dysfunction, but maybe it wasn't.

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I mean, I learned how important it is to be nice to people you love,

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and to find a healthy outlet and therapy for frustration and aggression, because if you

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take it out on the people closest to you, they'll just cut you out of their lives.

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I don't think we ought to get away with treating someone horribly

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just because we are related to them.

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Family doesn't get a free pass to be rude just because they are family, do they?

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I guess we each decide for ourselves, which is directly connected to the last episode

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I released about personal boundaries.

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Buddhism teaches us to be tolerant and accepting, that's true, but tolerance does not

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mean accepting what is harmful. Period. 

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Whether that harm is caused by family members, relatives or strangers is irrelevant. 

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I'm not saying we stop loving them; I can love someone unconditionally,

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the love has no conditions, but keeping them in my life can most certainly have conditions.

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The reason for that is something many people overlook: when we talk about 

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having love and compassion, we think about other people but forget 

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to include  having compassion for ourselves in that conversation.

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Treating yourself with kindness by choosing not to ingest toxins, poison,

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hostility or animosity regardless of the source is not selfish.

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I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" answer here, but when I set boundaries 

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for what behavior I'm willing to tolerate, it applies to everyone,

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whether it's a friend I've known for 30 years or someone I met a few minutes ago.

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What I try to do through various channels is translate the ancient teachings 

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of compassion, kindness, and unconditional love into a language that people today 

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can go beyond understanding to also implement into their daily lives.

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In order to do that, I need to be able to relate to the general public, and this being rude

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to the people you love the most has been a big hurdle for me to overcome.

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I can't relate to accepting abuse under the excuse of "Oh, but they're family so it's okay."

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It's not okay. The point of this episode isn't to try and control other people's behavior

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 or blame our own on others.

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It's to pause and contemplate why we feel free to be rude to the people we claim

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we love the most? Do we take them for granted? In working on living a life

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filled with gratitude, I think it's imperative that we not only internally appreciate 

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the people in our lives, but outwardly express that gratitude through kindness and love.

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I recently posted that if you are not kind to unkind people, you become one of them.

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So let's be kind to everyone. No excuses. It's not that hard.

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As the Dalai Lama says, "Be kind whenever possible; it's always possible."

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Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless 

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and Buddhist Boot Camp.

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For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, 

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where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project,

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watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list.

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We hope you have enjoyed this episode, 

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and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.

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Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼