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Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich,

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 and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life.

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Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye.

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Podcast listeners and readers of my books often have follow-up questions

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they either submit for me to answer via Throne, which is an online platform

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 you can access through my website to publicly post your questions that I will then

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 answer in a podcast episode just like this one  *please note, it is no longer on the site*

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or you can schedule a personal one-on-one video chat with me;

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more information about that also on BuddhistBootCamp.com

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But if you enjoy these short podcast episodes and want a little more background or to

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listen to something longer, or more in-depth, for example, you will thoroughly enjoy my

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audiobook Faithfully Religionless, which I have also narrated. But don't use your precious

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Audible credits to download a copy of my audiobook because it's only $4, save your

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credits for those $30 audiobooks instead.

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Faithfully Religionless is about the beauty of letting go of the need to know, the difference 

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between feelings and emotions, the disparity between truths and facts,

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and the countless benefits of mindful living. 

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The question I will address today was posted on Throne by Jojo.

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She said, "I have always been an affectionate person, hugs especially,

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"but since the lockdown, I can't remember the last time I had that kind of contact

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"with someone other than my family.

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"How important is it that we rely on physical contact to show affection?

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"And do we now live in a world where we have to find other ways to show this?"

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Jojo is not alone in this, I've actually given this topic many years of thought 

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a long time before Covid and social distancing was even a thing.

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It started with a friend of mine telling me one day, how despite everything going really well

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in her life; work was good, health was good, and her yoga, spiritual, 

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and meditation practices were consistent, comforting, and balanced,

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she still found herself every once in a while craving physical contact.

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She called it needing the weight of a man on top of her, not sex, she said,

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just the physical closeness and connection; a hug, a warm embrace, some contact.

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When I hung up the phone with her, I thought to myself: How can I make sure that

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no matter how far I go down the spiritual path, I don't still find myself lacking

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something like physical contact at the end of the day someday?

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I couldn't bear the thought of possibly feeling like something was missing from my life

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instead of focusing on how rich it is, so I decided to conduct an experiment of sorts.

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I used the same logic I had applied in the past when I quit smoking, drinking, 

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and eating meat, for example: after enough time passed, I stopped thinking

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about any of those things as an option.

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There was no craving, nothing was lacking, it was just a new normal 

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as if that's the way life always was.

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I wondered what would happen if I were to eliminate physical contact altogether,

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just like I eliminated those other things.

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Would I ultimately lose interest in physical connection the way I lost interest in smoking, 

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for example? And would I, therefore, 

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free myself from any craving or the sense of emptiness that my friend was experiencing?

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So, for over five years, I abstained from any and all physical contact more intimate

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than handshakes. I mean, no hugs, no kisses, nothing beyond a fist bump,

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and the experiment actually worked.

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Not only did I no longer find myself longing for physical connection,

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I became extremely aware of how much other people relied on it, needed it,  and either

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used or abused it for various reasons.

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Going back to Jojo's question, do we now live in a world where we have to find other ways 

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to show affection? That was exactly the unexpected side effect of my experiment:

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It forced me to redefine intimacy in non-physical terms, to be intimate without

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so much as a simple hug at my disposal.

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One of the teachers at the monastery guided us through a sharing exercise, 

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which I thought was extremely intimate.

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He had each of us sit cross-legged directly in front of someone we didn't know,

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and then he invited one person from each pair to ask the other participant a question.

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When the person across from us answered the question, we were instructed not to react

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to the answer they give nor discuss it any further, but to simply ask the question again.

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At the monastery, the questions were practice-specific, but you can imagine doing

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this exercise with a question like: What are you angry about? And when the person

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answers, you just ask them again: What are you angry about? We all have answers for

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most questions readily available in our back pockets, so to speak,

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and we are prepared to give those canned answers to anyone at a moment's notice.

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That was exactly the answer we each gave the first time a question was asked.

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And when the question was asked again, we all reached for our

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in-case-of-emergency backup answer.

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But when the question was asked a third, fourth, and fifth time, we had to really

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peel back the layers and dig deep to share from our core.

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It made all of us vulnerable, exposed, raw, radically honest, transparent, and more often

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than not, extremely uncomfortable.

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When the person sitting across from me repeatedly asked why I chose to live 

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at the monastery, I initially gave the expected response: to learn, to grow, or to find peace.

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But when I finally arrived at the truth, I broke down crying and admitted there was a lot 

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of fear behind my decision. I was afraid that if I couldn't fit in at the monastery, 

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after not being able to fit in anywhere else, I might never find a place where I belong. 

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Once all of our quote-unquote "fronts" were dropped, we unearthed repressed memories,

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 unexamined fears, insecurities, and anxieties, and we finally looked at ourselves, 

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dark spots and all, sometimes for the very first time.

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It occurred to me that it's very easy to spend time with a friend, give them a hug, and share

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small talk, but it's not so easy to practice this level of radical honesty 

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with one another, even though it's extremely important and beneficial.

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In the long run, abstaining from physical contact with others and committing myself 

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to this new level of intimacy instead, has proven to significantly strengthen 

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my relationships with everyone in my life, not weaken them.  So, yes, Jojo, I not only think 

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we will need to learn other ways to show affection, I'm glad we are,

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because vulnerability is true intimacy. Much deeper, I think, than a hug.

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I mean, imagine me sitting across from a friend crying her eyes out,

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and I need to console her without a hug. I would need tools like empathy 

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and compassion to do that, tools we can all afford to add to our belts.

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The key is for all of us to be comfortable with who we are, not despite our blemishes, 

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but by realizing that we aren't marred in any way whatsoever.

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John Lennon was so right when he said:

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Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones.

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Having said all of that, keep in mind that for early childhood development and mental

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health, physical contact and reassurance is essential. As adults, however, I think we can

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tie this into my previous episode about our unmet so-called "needs," and figure out what

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 it is we are truly looking for when we quote-unquote "Need a hug," and we will often find

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that it's actually a sense of security we are after, comfort, reassurance, affirmation,

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support, being heard, connected, and so on.

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And if we develop the communication skills with which we can do all that 

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without physical contact, we wouldn't be left with any void or a feeling of lack.

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So now, if someone wants a hug from me, I'm usually more than happy to offer one,

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but I no longer feel like I "need" it, you know?

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When we cure our underlying sense of not-enoughness by being grateful 

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for everything in our lives, we can live in absolute abundance, whether we choose

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to hug one another or not. Namaste

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Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless 

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and Buddhist Boot Camp.

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For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com,

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where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project,

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Watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. 

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We hope you have enjoyed this episode, 

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and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.

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Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼