Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents
that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids.
Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you
actionable step by step strategies that'll help you transform your
household from chaos to cooperation.
Let's dive in.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Welcome to today's episode.
I am so excited to be with you here today.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about the power of one simple question
that transformed my parenting journey.
But before I share that question with you, I want to take you back
to my own childhood for a moment.
Growing up, my caregivers, and maybe you can relate to this, said no to everything.
And I mean everything.
And the most frustrating part, when I reflect, was when I asked why, the
answer was always, because I said so.
Oh my goodness, those words would make me so angry because
I couldn't understand why.
Can you relate?
And now as an adult and a parent coach, I realized that those no's
probably weren't about safety at all.
They were about convenience.
And if I'm being really honest with you, I felt so anxious about asking
for anything that I really wanted.
Because I was always anticipating the answer would be no.
I carried around this constant anger that everything was an automatic
no with no real explanation.
And if I'm even more honest then it would make me want to try to figure
out how to get around it or do it anyway or do it without getting caught.
And guess what happened?
I carried that pattern right into my own parenting.
Before I discovered peaceful parenting when Malcolm was little
We're talking like two, three, four.
I found myself saying no all day long.
No you can't play with that.
No you can't go outside.
No you can't have that.
No put that away.
You can't make a fort here.
No.
And this is hard to share with you, but I usually delivered those no's
with an exasperated annoying tone.
And you know what?
Those no's were wearing both of us out.
And then one day I came across the question that stopped me in my tracks.
Is it a no because it's dangerous or just because it's inconvenient?
Let that sink in for a moment.
Because if we analyze it, I bet most of the time what our kids want to do isn't
actually dangerous most of the time.
It's just annoying, messy, loud.
or incumbenia for us as parents.
Let me give you a perfect example.
When Malcolm was little, he'd be jumping on the couch.
And I'd snap at him, No!
Stop that right now!
What are you thinking?
Get off there!
Sound familiar?
But here's how I'd handle the situation today.
Hey buddy, it looks like you've got some wiggles to get out.
Do you want to sit on the couch?
Or do you want to go jump around outside?
See the difference?
Instead of a harsh no that shuts down the behavior and the connection, I'm
acknowledging his need to move around and I'm offering alternatives, places he can
move around that works for him and me.
When I reflect back on those no's, what I realized is that most of
those no's were really about me.
My dislike of messes, my annoyances, my fears of being judged by others,
my fear of having to clean it up later and adding to my workload.
My exhaustion, my distraction, my fear of the unknown.
So when I was exposed to the concept of, is it dangerous or is it just annoying?
I decided to try something different.
And if you're caught in this cycle, I'd like you to decide
to try something new as well.
I started pausing.
Yes, I know.
We're back to that pause and respond instead of react.
I started pausing before saying no, and it was not easy in the beginning,
I'll admit, because no was my go-to.
It was it was on autopilot, but I started pausing before saying no.
Sometimes I'd even say, I don't know, I need to think about it for a bit.
Ask me again later.
Now, this wasn't code for no, like you see in those family sitcoms
where the kids roll their eyes and say, well, that means no.
Sometimes My mind was truly elsewhere.
Or I needed a moment to figure out how to get to yes.
Let me give you some real world piece of parenting examples of the difference
between dangerous and inconvenient.
Your four year old wants to cut up vegetables.
I mean, this could be dangerous or it could be an opportunity
to let your kid be involved.
With making dinner and to teach kitchen skills safely.
So maybe instead of saying, no, you'll hurt yourself.
You could try.
I love that you want to help with dinner.
We don't have a kid safe knife right now, but I'll add that
to the shopping list for today.
Would you like to tear the lettuce for our salad or help shred the cheese?
Or here's another example.
Your eight year old wants to climb a tree in the backyard.
Instead of an automatic, no, you'll fall and hurt yourself.
You could pause and assess.
Is it really dangerous or are you just worried about a scraped knee?
Maybe it becomes, let's look at which branches are strong enough to hold you and
talk about how high it's safe to go up.
Let's say your teenager wants to walk to the store alone.
Instead of a no, it's not safe, it could be a conversation about
street safety, what route to take, and having their phones charged.
Here's another classic.
Your child wants to wear rain boots on a sunny day.
Or a superhero costume to the grocery store.
Is it dangerous?
Not at all.
Is it inconvenient?
Maybe, maybe if you're worried about what other people might think.
But what's more important, other people's opinions or your
child's expression and joy?
Let me tell you about Kate.
She's one of our Hive members, and she came to me feeling frustrated
because she was constantly saying no to her eight year old son.
One day he asked if he could paint the fence with water, something
she would have immediately said no to before joining the Hive.
But this time she remembered to ask herself, is it
dangerous or just inconvenient?
So she said, let me think about it for a moment, and she evaluated the actual risk.
I mean, come on, it's just some water that would dry.
So she said yes, and her son spent an hour painting the fence and learning about how
water evaporates, and most importantly, feeling heard and trusted by his mom.
Kate told me later that that moment changed everything.
Her son started coming to her with more ideas and questions because he knew
that she would consider his request.
Instead of automatically shutting them down.
And then there's Christy, another mom in our hive community.
She was struggling with her 12 year old daughter's constant requests to bake.
Every time her daughter asked to bake, Christy's immediate
response was, no, it's too messy.
Not today.
We don't have time or we don't have the ingredients.
Which she later admitted to me wasn't always true.
She was just defaulting to no because she didn't want to deal with the mess.
So through our coaching sessions, Christy learned to transform these
moments by setting clear expectations instead of defaulting to no.
So when her daughter asked to bake, she tried something different.
She said, what do you think about making chocolate chip cookies?
And here's how we'll make it work.
First, I want you to check with me about the ingredients before starting, since I
might have something else planned for the ingredients and we'll need to clean up
together afterwards to my satisfaction.
And this will be our only baking project today, since it takes a
couple of hours, start to finish.
And we need to get some other things done.
And then finally, she finished with letting her daughter know that
future baking depends on how well we follow the guidelines today, the
result will not only did the mother and daughter have a wonderful time
baking, but her daughter rose to the occasion, followed the guidelines.
and helped clean up properly.
Christy admitted that she was really amazed at how capable her
daughter was when given the chance with clear boundaries in place.
Now, you might be thinking, but Lisa, if I start saying yes more
often, does that make me permissive?
And won't my kids become spoiled?
Or maybe you're thinking, what will other parents think if I
let my kids do these things?
Or I'll lose control or my house will be a constant mess.
All right, well, let's tackle these fears head on because here's the truth.
Saying yes, thoughtfully with clear boundaries and expectations
actually builds more responsibility.
and cooperation with your kids than Constance knows ever will.
Remember how I told you that with Malcolm I started saying I need to
think about it, ask me again later?
Here's what was brilliant about this approach, which I still use to this day.
It puts the responsibility on him to follow up with me.
If he really wanted that sleepover, those Pokemon cards, or to try
coffee in junior high, he needed to remember to ask me again.
The coffee still makes me laugh.
This approach to two amazing things.
First, it gave me the parent time to think with my higher brain.
Using my prefrontal cortex instead of responding from my middle brain.
You know, that emotional center that doesn't like messes and inconvenience
and has a hard wiring to say no.
And second, it showed me how important things really were to him.
If he didn't ask again, well, then maybe it wasn't all that important.
So this strategy of ask me again later, Because I need to
think about it really worked.
And to this day really works still for us.
Let me share some more strategies for moving from a no to a yes.
First, get curious about the request.
If your child wants to build a fort in their living room and your automatic
response is no, it'll make a mess.
Pause and ask what's driving this desire right now.
How could we make this work within some boundaries?
What's my real concern here?
Is it dangerous?
Or is it the mess?
Or is it that I'm tired and I don't want to deal with the cleanup?
Maybe it becomes a, yes, you can build a fort, but let's set some guidelines.
We can use these three blankets.
And it needs to be cleaned up for dinner.
Want to work together on making it super cool.
Maybe there's a middle ground between the no and the yes, the yes, that's
unleashed and allows him to use every blanket in the entire house.
Maybe we set it to three blankets and two pillows and we clean it up before dinner.
Here's another powerful strategy.
Time shifting instead of a flat, no, try not right now,
and then follow through with.
When it can happen, for example, not right now because I'm cooking dinner.
How about we do it first thing tomorrow morning?
Not today because we don't have all the ingredients, but let's make a shopping
list and add the missing ingredients to the list and go shopping tomorrow.
The key is.
And this is crucial that we must follow through.
Otherwise, not right now just becomes another way to say no.
So let's talk about what happens when we start shifting from automatic
nose to thoughtful responses, because it's kind of magical when we stop
defaulting to know our kids start coming to us more, think about it.
If you had a friend who shot down every suggestion you made, how long
would you keep suggesting things?
Not very long, right?
It's the same with our kids.
Whenever you request is met with a no.
Especially with that annoyed tone I used to use, they eventually stop asking.
They stop sharing their ideas, their dreams, their
creativity, their possibilities, their wild, wonderful plans.
And we miss out on so many opportunities for connection.
But when we shift our approach, something beautiful happens.
Let me share what one of my clients in the Hive noticed just last week.
She said, Lisa, I realized my daughter isn't just asking to bake cookies
or paint with watercolors anymore.
While we're doing these activities together, she's telling me about
what happened at school, asking questions about life and sharing
her worries and friendships.
These activities create what I like to call connection pockets, natural moments
where conversation flows, where trust builds and real connection happens.
Let me share a couple more examples of how this plays out.
Let's say a child says, can I ride my bike to Sam's house?
Instead of saying, no, it's too far.
You might try.
I appreciate you asking.
Let's look at the route together on the map and talk about street safety
and maybe do a practice run first.
When were you thinking of going?
Or this one, a situation I see coming up a lot with parents.
Can I dye my hair blue?
Instead of absolutely not, what will people think?
Try.
That's an interesting idea.
Let's talk about it.
Are you thinking about permanent dye or temporary?
What makes you want to try blue?
Maybe we could start with some washout color and see how you like it.
You see, in each of these scenarios, we're not just saying yes or no.
We're opening up a dialogue.
We're showing our kids that their ideas matter, that we take their requests
seriously, and that we're willing to work with them to find solutions.
And here's what's fascinating.
When we respond this way consistently, Our kids start coming to us
with more thought out requests.
Instead of can I do this?
They might be saying, Hey, I've been thinking about this and here's my plan.
They learned a problem solve because we modeled it for them, which is where
my son's at right now at 20 year old years old as a sophomore in college.
And it is absolutely amazing to witness.
And I want this for you and your kids.
Now and always in life.
So here's what I want you to try this week.
I'm giving you two homework assignments.
First, I want you to track your no responses for one day.
Just one, write them down.
What you said no to, how you're feeling in the moment and whether it was
truly dangerous or just inconvenient.
And maybe take note of what alternative responses you could have used.
Second homework assignment is I want you to practice the pause.
When your child asks for something, and you feel that automatic no rising up, take
a deep breath, pause, and ask yourself, is it dangerous or just inconvenient?
Can we find a way to make this work with some boundaries?
And what's the worst that could happen?
You know, sometimes when I'm working with parents in the hive, they tell me
they feel guilty about their past no's.
And if that's you right now, I want you to hear this.
We're all learning and growing together.
The fact that you're here listening to this episode,
there's no need to feel guilt.
This means that you're already taking steps to do things differently.
Now you know the simple but powerful question, is it
dangerous or just inconvenient?
And you have practical ways to start shifting from automatic no's To thoughtful
responses to build connection with your kids and hey if you're feeling ready to
make this shift But you need some more support along the way then like always
I want to invite you Yes, you to join us in the hive inside our community.
You're going to get personalized coaching Directly from me
about your specific situation.
You're going to get practical tools And the support you need
to transform those automatic nose into opportunities for connection.
So if this feels like the time and this is the moment, then I want you
to head over to thehivecoaching.
com to learn more about how I can support you in your peaceful parenting journey.
And I cannot wait to welcome you to The Hive.
All right.
In closing, let me leave you with this.
Your kids don't need a perfect parent.
They need a parent who's willing to pause.
Reflect and grow.
They need a parent who can balance safety.
With the freedom to explore and most of all they need a parent who's willing
To question the automatic nose and finds ways to say yes when possible.
You've got this I know you do and i'll be with you every step of the way.
I promise Okay until next time i'm wishing you peaceful parenting
Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting.
If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting,
visit ThePeacefulParent.
com.
See you soon!