Alright, gentlemen, how's it going?
This is your main man, Scot McKay coming at you again with another episode of The Mountain Top Podcast.
hey, I'm pretty stoked today.
I'm pretty happy.
I have a guest with me who we haven't seen around these parts in a while, but he's back.
He actually didn't go anywhere, but he's definitely back on this show for the first time in a long time.
And we're going to talk about a very interesting topic.
Before we get to him.
I want to remind you that the website is mountaintoppodcast.com
The Facebook group is The Mountain Top Summit.
If you guys aren't there, you're missing out.
And you can find me all over everywhere online at Scot McKay, S-C-O-T-M-C-K-A-Y, with the exception of Instagram, where it's real Scot McKay, because I didn't get there soon
enough.
But enough about me.
Today's guest, my returning guest, and longtime friend, by the way, is Alex Allman from Revolutionary Sex.
How's it going, Alex?
Great, brother.
Very happy to be here.
You're lying too, because you told me you were sick as a dog and you probably shouldn't even be doing this show.
I am sick as a dog, but also I love to teach this stuff.
It's really important to me that men get clear on these things so that they can lead a better life and couples can have better relationships, leads to better families, leads to
a better world.
hey man, that's why we're all here.
But I have to say, if you're sick as a dog, you look marvelous, darling, because you you just look, you have a glow about you for, you must look amazing when you're healthy.
Well, you know, it is better to look marvelous than feel marvelous.
um...
Yeah, no, uh I have really good lighting.
haha!
Well, fantastic.
At our age, that is half the battle.
Yeah.
And the other 90 percent is half mental.
But again, enough about us.
today.
We're going to talk about Today, we're going to talk about something that I don't know how I've ever escaped talking about it after 500 and some odd shows.
But it's this idea of women like me, but they don't love me.
And the first thing that comes to mind is the the multitude the legion of men out there who can get women to talk to them and they seem like okay, maybe I'll even go out on a
first date with you but after the first date They're not feeling it and they get put in "The Just Be Friends Zone".
But the nuance here is different.
It could be such that for example, I can get women to go out on dates with me.
They could even have sex with me, but I can't get them to have that
almost obsessive desire for me.
It's like, I'm okay.
I'm better than the next schlub who might come along.
They've had a dry spell or at least I pay for their dinner, you know, when we go out or something.
But you know, I have this hard time getting women to the next level with me where they just, they're saying to themselves, I don't need any other guy.
You, you're enough.
I want to lock you down.
You're amazing.
So that's what we're talking about here.
And this is a topic you dreamed up and brought to the table.
So what's your spin on all this?
Well, my first spin is that this is what my readers and viewers complain about the most.
So for whatever reason, I'm attracting these men.
A lot of them are married, by the way, to a woman who, you know, likes him, but isn't passionate about him.
And maybe at one time she was, and he doesn't know how to reconstitute that.
Kind of reignite that spark, huh?
Yeah, but a lot of times, you know, women really want babies at a certain age and they're just really excited that there's this guy who's decent.
He's decent and he's willing and he doesn't live at his uh mother's house and he's a good man, you know?
What's that?
Yeah, I mean, once women get a baby, things change.
And sometimes guys can feel left in the lurch.
That's a guarantee, there's, and that's potentially one factor.
Women change when they have babies.
They change when they hit menopause.
So there's a lot of changes for sure.
But also I think a lot of women, even before the baby comes, they're already like, well, I can't leave now uh because you know what I mean?
I need to get pregnant pretty soon.
And so a lot of men just have this experience and...
And of course it happens at every stage along the way.
As you say, there's a lot of men who, you know, they go on a few dates, maybe they had sex, maybe they didn't, and then she ghosts him.
Or she's just, uh you know, they date for a while, but he can feel that he's in a holding pattern until somebody better comes along.
You hear all these, you know, red pill guys saying that women are hypergamous as if men aren't, right?
We all want the best one we can get, but...
thought that came to mind is this is not gender specific.
Come on now.
yeah, not at all, not at all.
So if you are dating a girl who's, you know, otherwise you'd be lonely, but you're not really that hot for her and she doesn't really light you up, but she's a sex partner.
Then you meet somebody who's amazing, who knocks your socks off, you're gonna have the painful conversation with her and women will do the same thing, but men get very butthurt
about it and can't take responsibility for it.
We've kind of talked about that.
But so there's this recurring thing at every level of dating and relationship.
where men don't feel like they're inspiring passion, devotion, loyalty, and ultimately surrender.
And I'll make the case, and I'm sure you buy in, I'll try and make the case for everybody else who's playing along, that a woman's highest desire is to find a man that she can
comfortably surrender to.
And it's that total surrender, that uh ride or die, that
Everybody wants men want it women want it.
We all want it and it's it's beautiful and it's rare but I think it's rare because people think it has to happen to them.
They don't understand that it's something that you do.
The true love is not you know, true infatuation can rock your fucking world, but true love is is built.
It's built and there's a way to build it and I think most men don't understand
how good it is for them as a human to do this work, not just for the woman in their life, but when you get started down a path of uh radical authenticity and presence and
self-trust and uh freedom of self-expression and all the things that really light a woman up in a way that makes her feel like, you know, I'm with this guy till the day I die.
uh
It's such a great journey for a man.
It's what he's been wanting to do and felt like, well, if I did this, nobody would like me anymore.
You know?
We've just got it wrong because of the stories that we grow up on that ain't necessarily so.
We live in a soup of be the alpha male or be the sensitive guy and really be a good communicator.
And all of these things, they're good.
They're fine.
There's nothing wrong with being the alpha male.
It's attractive.
There's nothing wrong with being a great communicator.
It's very important, you know, and those things are terrific, but they don't create the kind of uh passion and loyalty and devotion and surrender that I'm talking about.
And women want it, men want it, your ex-wife wished you could have delivered it.
And that's why she left.
Even if she couldn't put words to it because, you know.
because she had more, she had a whole alphabet soup of psychosis behind her name.
So she was actually dreaming up things I wasn't doing that, you know, she said I was doing.
So maybe if we're to use second person singular here, you know, maybe not me, but I certainly see what you're talking about.
of men, it's comforting to say, it's not you, because you're describing somebody who sounds actually psychotic.
But uh yeah, but I mean, but a lot of men will say, well, you know, she just went crazy on me.
She was normal and then she went crazy on me.
That's right.
And the truth is, that's just something that happens.
Mike Birbiglia
...the comedian has a great piece on this.
I was watching, was like, yes, this is it.
I said, yes, this is it, exactly.
He said, you date a woman for a while, and then as you get really close, you start really uh catching feelings for her.
One day in the middle of dinner, she's like, uh can you pass the salt?
And I'm fucking crazy.
All of a it just comes out.
And it coming out...
might very well be a positive thing because what's happening is she trusts you enough to start dealing with her trauma, which every human has.
You have it, I have it.
Everybody has stuff and her stuff comes out and then you don't know how to deal with it and so you're just, she's crazy.
And then she's disappointed that you weren't strong enough to deal with it.
And she thinks you're crazy and your crazy comes out too or you're boring or you're, you
know, ball scratching and farting or whatever it is that you hid in the beginning, right?
So everybody has this experience.
Well, they changed.
You you were talking about radical authenticity and yeah, and, um, you were also talking about a situation where I think the word we were both searching for was "settling".
In other words, I have this person in my life, but you know, I'm not thrilled that this is the person in my life.
Maybe my nose is pressed against the glass.
You know, maybe I wanted something different.
Maybe I didn't feel like I could get the kind of woman I want.
Or maybe she doesn't feel like I could have gotten the guy I really wanted.
But you know, the biological clock is ticking, yada, yada, yada, and here we are.
And you were talking about that.
OK.
for a man who feels like uh some self-esteem hit at this idea that the girl who uh dumped him for another man was settling.
It's not quite that, because I think we lie to ourselves.
Yeah, it can be.
It can be.
But I think a lot of times, you know, she's lying to herself.
She's like, I've dated a couple of douchebags and this is like a good man and my clock is ticking.
And I'd be a fucking moron to not fall in love with him.
And she talks herself into it.
By the time she's done, she's very convinced.
She convinces her parents and her friends that this is the guy and she's in love with him.
I coach women too.
I've a lot of women do this.
She doesn't know the difference.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
She really doesn't know the difference.
Because we are very, very good at deceiving ourselves.
That's a real human-sense problem.
Yeah.
of things you said there rapid fire.
The only thing worse than settling for somebody is being settled for.
So you have this situation where people just, well, they aren't fulfilled.
You also mentioned this idea, excuse me, you also mentioned this idea of a woman surrendering.
And you tied that with the with the baggage that society is feeding us about masculinity and femininity, et cetera, et cetera.
And then you've got the Men Going Their Own Way who think it's all the women's fault.
And you've got the feminists who think it's all the men's fault.
And all of a sudden men and women are naturally being drawn away from each other to be adversarial rather than working in partnership.
And we're supposed to work in partnership.
Now you're talking about this woman being turned on and you're talking about her being devoted to this guy to the point of surrender.
Well,
all that stuff you were talking about to me rhymes with her feeling safe and comfortable in his presence.
If you're not making a woman feel safe, if you're not making her feel protected in that environment, her, she's not free to be feminine.
You know, this is what we talk about around here all the time.
Masculinity by nature is the building block of sexual attraction that ignites femininity, the female building block of sexual attraction.
Women are ignited when a man makes her feel safe and comfortable, comfortable enough so she doesn't have to worry about those
lower end Maslovian hierarchy deals like safety, security, provision, so forth.
And she can now suddenly bring beauty, play, joy, fun, nurture into the world.
Beautiful.
So when a woman surrenders to a man, it isn't, your slave or I'm less than you.
It's, I feel comfortable around you.
I can relax now.
The surrender is that tense, tense fear driven nature.
Now, see, you said so much.
The last time you were on this show, many moons ago, what was the topic?
The topic was what is true love?
And we both agreed that it was the absence of fear.
If fear is the opposite of love,
the less I fear this woman, the more I am freed up to love her.
So if we can stop making women fear, we're going to leave, we're going to cheat, we're going to do whatever we're going to do that's negative in her life and help her feel safe
and comfortable.
And she feels that way, you know, instead of maybe no kind of way, right?
um She's feelsome, as the British would say, towards this relationship.
Once she's not afraid of what's going to happen with this relationship, what's going to happen in the context of bringing a child into this world, and most of all, she's not
afraid of us, then that surrender, it kind of happens naturally, whether the sociopolitical climate of the Western world agrees with it or not.
And I think you putting the word beautiful to that is a pattern interrupt for a lot of people, and especially a lot of men
who are being taught, wait, this isn't the way you want to be.
You know, the future is female, believe all women.
Uh, you know, I don't want to offend women by even, uh, competing with them for a job, et cetera, et cetera.
And then what happens is women are like, where did all the men go?
Well, all the men are shirking their responsibility to do the work you speak of, of making a woman feel comfortable so that she can literally be more aroused to be in this
relationship with us.
You know, am I onto something there?
Yeah, for sure.
uh would take all of those things a bit further.
think that uh safety and comfort is essential, but I don't think it's the whole ball game.
And I think that the uh love being the lack of fear is essential, but I don't think it's the whole ball game.
In fact, my definition of true love these days is uh mutual surrender.
And surrender is scary as hell.
Yeah, well, to really surrender and to be fully ride or die is to release a certain part of your agency, which a lot of men think of as the most masculine thing, is being
completely agentic and not changing it.
But there's a release of a particular piece of your agency.
And it's a magic trick.
And women are very good at it in the presence of a man who has any skill at it at all.
And that magic trick is to make the conscious decision that your perfect woman is revealed to you in real time by whatever it is that she does.
And your job is to figure out how that was perfect.
Now that...
sounds insane and it very well could be if you're dating somebody with a personality disorder, don't necessarily, do that.
Like you do need to have high standards, but if you have high standards and you've really fallen in love with a woman, then there is a place that you can go where it's a, it's a
spiritual venture to offer up your idea of what the perfect woman is to her revelation.
And she,
obviously, the same to you that you reveal in real time what the perfect man looks like.
Women do this very, very naturally if you give them the opportunity and part of that opportunity as you said was, you know, trust and feeling comfortable and that's that's
huge.
I would dig down a little deeper because there's specific things that will trigger this this feeling of
of what I call a mating instinct, this very deep surrendered mating instinct that comes out when she's around a man who, you know, I've broken into five traits.
I could have broken it into 10 or I could call it a single trait.
But I broke it into five because I find it's a compellingly simple way to explain it and break it down in all the areas where men get caught up, uh which is uh self-trust, which
is not quite the same as confidence, but it's a layer where
you recognize that life is a random experience generator that you must dance with and it's going to do a lot of crazy things and you trust yourself to handle it even if it means
that you you might be handling it in defeat like you get run over by a car that's the kind of things that life can throw at you but that you're going to be good you've accepted life
as it really is and you are no longer
whining and complaining at the world, you've taken it down to your own core.
This is so attractive to women.
Yeah.
If a guy is a whiner and a complainer, he is not going to make a woman feel safe.
Therefore the surrender will never happen.
Exactly, exactly.
I'm just breaking this down more deeply piece by piece.
The next one is freedom of self-expression, which again, I think part of the beauty of being actually free and not monitoring what you're doing or trying to create the context
wherein you think she'll love you, like I need to be a good communicator and I need to be kind, which you do.
I need to be an alpha male, which you don't.
ah Yeah, I need to make more money, which you don't.
Unless, you know, you're not thriving, right?
A woman needs to know that you can care for her if she loses her job.
She can't be caring for you.
So I think there's all these levels of biology that, importantly, need to feel your self-trust, need to feel your scents of freedom, which also allows her...
It's like this big sigh when...
somebody can actually be themselves.
You know, the old grandma advice, just just be yourself.
It's not that it's bad advice.
It's just it's really hard advice.
It's really hard advice.
missing along the way to the top of that, you know, staircase.
most men have no idea what it means to be themselves.
They've spent so long playing this role and that role in every situation, which is normal, but they've lost sight of their core.
So, you know, there's work to be done there, you know, in one of your programs, my programs, or a therapist's chair or a psychedelic experience.
I mean, there's work to be done there to find out who you are and...
to feel free, to feel the confidence to be free, to be that person, even when it pisses her off, even when it's not what she wants.
Well that's trust.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah,
I mean the freedom to be authentic enough to go, look, I don't like this or I'm hangry or I'm in a bad mood or I had a rough day or now it's my turn to vent.
At least in our marriage, you know, and I try to explain this even on coaching calls with guys.
It's not that we have to be on our best behavior all the time.
We now know each other.
We now are comfortable with each other.
We have now surrendered to each other.
As I think you've eloquently said, it's the case.
We are ride or die.
We're together.
We're a team.
And some days I'm not going to be at my best.
Some days I'm going to be vomiting everywhere.
Some days she's going to be vomiting everywhere.
She probably throw me under a bus for talking about that.
Yeah.
Oh, sure.
Some days I'm going to be, I'm not going to be my best self.
And what we have to do is in our family, what we don't do is we don't insult each other.
We, we, We hold space for each other as they like to say in those moments.
And then, you know, when it's her turn, I know, hey you know what?
Nobody's perfect.
My golden princess over here is still human.
That's why I loved what you said about my dream woman is unfolding in real time before my very eyes.
And as a man, I can influence that.
I think that's something that a lot of guys miss.
I can go out with a woman who is sexy to me.
She's beautiful.
She has a nice personality.
I control a lot of the elements over the, over the ensuing months and years that will, that will decide what kind of woman she is in two years.
Now you said it goes both ways, which I would agree with, but since we're talking mostly to the male crowd, let's get them excited about this.
I've seen guys go out with a woman.
I want you to comment on this.
I'm going let you riff away after I just throw it on the table, okay?
I've seen guys go out with a woman and you know, she's a great chick.
Two years later, she's fat as a cow, bitchy as hell, angry, bitter, sick, not healthy, and rolls her eyes at everything he says and disrespects him in public, embarrasses him.
Then I've seen another guy go out with a very similar woman and my goodness, she's like a
movie star, gritty, uh resilient, respectable, almost regal, queen-like woman.
You know, I had a guy come on this show and he said a lot of guys, you know, kind of scoff at the idea of simping at a woman enough to make her his queen.
Haha
I said, I took the words out of his mouth.
I kind of stole his thunder.
I was like, well, you know, if she's the queen, what does that make you?
He goes, exactly.
You the king is what he said.
So if she's my queen and I'm her king, you know, we both have responsibility in this relationship to be there for each other and hold space for each other.
But it is amazing how couples will either grow or regress with each other in just a multitude of ways as time passes short term and long.
You know?
yeah, yeah, for sure.
And I think that you would agree, I'm quite certain of it, that it's not that a woman becomes your queen and then you become her king.
It is nearly always that you must show up as a king.
If you don't show up as a king, she really can't be your queen.
She can just be your sex idol or your whatever idol.
You know, that's the, you know, men put a woman up on a pedestal.
is.
uh
to put your woman on a pedestal.
It's great.
But also she has a need to be able to worship her man.
She needs to respect and admire him.
And if she can't respect and admire him and he puts her up on a pedestal, this is a recipe for disaster, right?
And in fact, it needs to go in the reverse order.
It's kind of this idea of I get on the pedestal and bring you up here with me.
Yeah, there's something that you said right at the beginning, which is exactly right, which is again, it's in the character of sexual polarity.
It's not the same for every couple, but it's a very, very, you know, fat bell curve.
And for most couples, certainly for most heterosexual humans, the way sexual polarity works is that the masculine desires and the woman is desired and her turn on is lit by his
desire.
That a woman's sexual response, her femininity, her identity as a woman versus her identity as whatever her profession is, her identity as a daughter, her identity as a
person and citizen of the world.
You know, a woman might have many identities, an identity as a player of the sport she loves, but her identity as a woman, as a feminine being, that piece of her can only come
out responsively, typically, typically.
It comes out responsively.
So, you you hear a lot of, you know, woke women say terrible things about the male gaze.
And I think that the male gaze can be weaponized and is weaponized and is a shitty experience for a lot of women.
And they're, know, when they're thinking of cat calls and whatnot.
But yeah, the male gaze is what they crave the most from a man who, as you say, is trustable.
And I would, you know, parse that into smaller pieces, but I think you're using trust as a larger umbrella.
um But anyway, I could continue or you can continue with your...
Okay.
Yeah, hit me.
I am firmly of the belief that the reason why my wife thinks I'm the greatest guy ever is because I chose her and identified her as my favorite woman I've ever met.
It was a cause/effect.
I think we liked each other.
We were hot for each other.
We had chemistry, all that wonderful stuff.
But when I, and she remembers it verbatim, it's etched in stone in her memory.
What I said to her when I went exclusive with her.
And I said, you know, I just, haven't known you very long, but what I know already is I don't, I don't need any other women.
I think it should just be you and me from now on.
I choose you and I will always protect your heart is what I told her.
And I'm paraphrasing it.
She could tell you exactly what I said.
She'd sit here and correct me.
She goes, no, 20 years ago.
Here's what she said.
But that had such an impression on her that it almost caught her like a deer in the headlights going.
Yes.
I mean, it was almost like the precursor of me asking her to marry me was me making that decision to choose her, which is what a marriage should be.
But like I said, too many people are chasing, huh?
That was the marriage proposal right there.
You don't need the words.
That was the...
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That's the proclamation that says I wanna throw in my life with you and uh be partners in this game of life.
And I guess, yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that the reason that I'm pointing to these five traits or however you wanna...
break it down and...
it's because for a lot of men might have a different experience where they claim a woman that way and she feels nothing but creeped out.
Well, yeah, think if you try to do this before you've actually established rapport, let alone chemistry and attraction, yeah, that's the danger zone.
I think that almost goes without saying.
men act from infatuation.
But also, haven't...
You did a lot of other things right, that made her feel, as you say, completely trustable to be that man.
And also desirable to be that man.
I think desire is really important here.
Let's bring this back down to earth for these guys.
I know there's a lot of guys out there saying, man, you two are happily married.
You both got hot wives.
Screw you guys.
You know, I mean, and I, know, and I've taken some ribbing for, for running a rather idealistic show for men to begin with, but hell, you know, that's who the heck I am.
You know, this isn't the show for, for, you know, lovable losers.
This is the show for guys who want to go from good to great.
So be it.
We respect everybody.
If you're, if you're going
on an upward trajectory.
I love you, man.
And wherever you are, believe me, I was once you, you know, I hit rock bottom so hard I hadn't any other choice, but to bounce.
I've been there.
I know all that, but it's amazing how much dating advice for men out there is the opposite.
It's teaching you how to be a bottom feeder even more than you already are.
A great example is stop chasing women and make them chase you instead.
It's like,
you know, that sounds really good on paper if you have this almost vengeful mentality towards pretty chicks.
Like, you know, I'm sick of getting rejected.
Give me something to reject for a change.
You know, let me wave off a few hot chicks and feel good about myself.
All of that is so fear-based and wrong-headed because neither Emily nor I chased each other.
We met each other and went, I choose you.
It's like the Spider-Man meme.
You, you know?
And I don't need these other schlubs anymore.
I don't need these other Betties anymore You and I because not to be missed I know my character.
I know what I believe, I know why I believe it, I know the God I pray to, I know the vacations I like to go on, the parenting I'd like to conduct with as many children as I'd
like to have.
I know which lever I voted for in the phone...
in the the in the voting booth.
I may vote for someone in the phone booth, too, but that would have been years ago ...
And she's like, yes, you know, you don't have to tiptoe on eggshells with me on that stuff.
Suddenly she's my best friend and I'm hot for her.
The next thing you know, all these wonderful things that we were talking about as pie in the sky before start falling into place because it all started with this expectation that
who I am is going to be enough for the right person for me.
Because if I'm trying to be someone I'm not, I can't really expect to attract
the right person or someone who's congruent with me, certainly for the long term...
under those circumstances, because all I'm trying to do at that point is get a chick and probably get laid.
If I'm trying to be something I'm not.
This is a whole different level you're talking about.
don't know that they're even in doing it.
But also there's this other piece about not being somebody you're not.
And the other piece is not just that she gets to know who you really are and that's trustable, but that act of courage is hot.
It's so hot.
Like that's what I was talking about with freedom.
It's like this idea that you can be yourself regardless of the cost is...
You know what women would say is so hot and it is it's it's....you know exactly.
Exactly.
get squashed because I'm such a weakling.
It's I had the courage to face something regardless of what the outcome is going to be.
And that courage is indeed hot to a woman.
Yes.
regarding not chasing, it's tactically sound and it mirrors some good features of things like self-trust and freedom and presence and sexual confidence and uh worthiness and all
of these other qualities that we may or not get to.
um But the other thing that's actually good about it is that it may help you to learn...
may actually help you to learn the value of not just pouncing on every woman who is doable.
Like you said, you're horny and she's available, or you're lonely and then it's even more intense and you're going all in trying to get this woman instead of having standards.
And I think when men say, when pickup artists and whoever, dating coaches say,
you know, have her chase you, I think what they mean is have standards.
Get to know a woman, and get to know a lot of women, and then, you know, this idea that I'm not just gonna jump into bed with you is provocative.
And it makes you think, well, who is this guy that he's different from other men who just wanna fuck me because I'm incredibly beautiful and I was wearing my sexiest skirt tonight.
um So there's some curiosity, there's some interest, I mean, it's tactically sound, but yeah, it's incomplete because...
So I will say that when I met my wife, I chased the living shit out of her.
I chased her for three months relentlessly, relentlessly like a stalker.
But I had all these other fundamentals right, so it didn't matter because she knew that I had options and I wasn't being insane and devotional and I wasn't lonely and...
I was displaying all of these other things, which is my freedom of self-expression, my self-trust, my sexual confidence, my presence, which I would love to try and get to, uh
worthiness, uh sexual confidence.
Like these things really resonate for a woman.
ah But yeah, I had to chase her.
Happy to tell that story, if you like.
But it was, yeah.
You've opened up a whole can of worms here because we were just talking about how chasing is bad, m'kay.
And choosing is good.
chasing is symptomatic of bad and being choosy and not immediately throwing yourself on every woman that goes by is symptomatic of a lot of good things.
And so tactically it's sound.
It's sound tactically.
But you don't need to do what's tactically sound if you have these other things right because women will be magnetically drawn to you.
Yeah.
magic word you said was options.
It's the desperation that makes you unattractive, whoever you are.
One is the more desperate one seems, the fewer options one seems to have, the less attractive one gets.
So
is funded by unworthiness because at some point, at some point you asked a woman out and she said, no, that's happened to everybody.
And at some point you uh really fell for a woman and she broke up with you.
And what are you really basing your worthiness on?
So then there's this woman and you try and get her.
And if you get her, then you're going to, hell yeah, I feel good about myself.
And if you don't get her, wah, wah, you're going to feel bad about yourself.
because your worthiness, your validation is external and not internal.
And it's really, really hard.
or a conquest.
It's a relationship.
Yeah, well, sometimes it's a goal, sometimes it's a conquest, but that's right, that's right.
So I certainly, when I was chasing my now wife of nearly 20 years, she was definitely goal conquest material.
I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, you know?
But, you know, I quickly started to figure out that she was amazing and...
I have some imposter syndrome about giving advice to men because it's so easy for me, I found the best one.
You know what I mean?
Sure, you have the same experience.
When you find the best one, when you find the one that's for you, it's pretty easy.
It's pretty easy.
authentic and you found yourself and you have character.
So, you know, the light you were shining to the world would attract the moths to the flame that are going to be the ones that are best for you.
That's the, that's the kernel of what we're talking about here.
I mean, I have grown to be unapologetic towards having attracted the greatest woman I've ever known because I'm a biased opinion.
She's the greatest woman I've ever known.
I mean, these guys will send me pictures of
you know, women when they're getting married and they thank me, thank me, thank me for helping them, you know, because they weren't, they were dateless five years ago.
And now look, and I'll be like, okay, alright.
You know, she's not my dream woman, but this guy's in love with her.
That's, that's all that matters.
That's what makes the world go around.
Yeah.
but also I think that men are under the illusion.
This is a really important little piece for a lot of men.
A lot of men are under the illusion that, yeah, a lot of men are under the illusion that the more beautiful she is, the harder she is to get.
That's just not true at all, remotely.
Yeah.
The more beautiful she is to a larger cross section of men, typically the easier it is to get her naked because she doesn't have body issues.
I've noticed that too.
That's repeated again and again.
yeah.
They're easier to get naked the hotter they are.
Yeah.
you ever want to test this out when you're at a nightclub, if you go to nightclubs, which I don't do anymore, what did I miss?
I'm not even sure we have nightclubs anymore in San Antonio.
Everything's gone to the outdoor park-oriented Christmas lights in summertime.
Let's all play cornhole and get drunk together venue.
Oh yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
walk up to a very beautiful woman in a club who's really just smoking hot and you ask her if you can see her breasts, she'll almost always comply.
Yeah, hot women love being hot.
They love it.
Along those same lines, every single time, as long as you know, the confines are there.
A woman is bragging about her boob job she just got done.
You can say, let's see them and then she'll show them to you.
100%.
Yeah.
Guys are like mind blown, you know, when they see this stuff.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Talk to, talk to us about presence, Alex.
I know you want to talk about that.
Yeah, I would love to get into that a little bit.
Presence is the absence of your agenda.
I think, you know, you hear the yoga crowd talk about this a lot.
It's about being here now instead of somewhere else.
And the somewhere else is your agenda or your strategy.
For a man in a sexless marriage, he begins, you know, to reaction monitor.
He's being very careful to, you know, please her and pick up her dry cleaning.
And do you like me now?
Do you like me now?
Hoping that it's gonna lead to no fights so that maybe on Friday we can get busy.
And he's constantly rearranging who he is, which goes back to freedom, to try and game this.
But the consequence of that, the consequence of that is that he's not there with her.
And she can feel that.
No idea, no idea.
But also she intuits
quite rightly, that he has no idea who she is either, because he's so busy in his trying to figure out who to be and what to say.
He's so busy in his fears and, you know, I'll, you know, honestly, I've had this...
she has no depth beyond the agenda he has for her.
Yeah, and we, I've certainly experienced this in this conversation where you said something and I was like, oh God, I gotta comment on that.
And then you kept talking and talking and I'm like, I'm not really as present as I might be because I'm like, I gotta remember to say that thing, you know?
And that's not presence.
And you can get away with it.
You can get away with, you know, messing up all these things by the way.
You can get away with messing it up a lot.
Doing it a little is incredibly powerful medicine and being present means
actually listening to who she is.
You know, very often when I work with couples, she'll say something to me about what's going on.
In my presence with him standing right there and he will have not heard it because it doesn't align with the reality that he's made in his head about what's really wrong or
about what she's really thinking or...
And he literally if I ask him what she said he he can't repeat it and the opposite I can't tell you how many times there was one that was really bizarre uh a client of mine he said
you know when
when you do this particular thing, it really hurts my feelings and it makes me feel like you have no respect for me.
And I said, did you hear what he said?
And she said, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I said, what did he say?
And she said, ah he said that, you know, sometimes I'm mean.
And I said, that's not really what he said, Craig, say that again.
And he said it again.
I said, what did he say?
Again.
Like literally she couldn't process it.
He said it five times.
She just couldn't hear it.
It just didn't jive with her reality.
Being present means not being in your story.
It means stop telling your story and actually pay attention to the way reality is.
And we do this everywhere.
You know, people do this buying lottery tickets.
People do this, you know, overestimating, you know, what they're going to earn in a job or from a thing or a...
We do this everywhere.
But in relationships, it's so toxic because we're not dealing with what is.
And a woman wants to feel seen and a man wants to feel seen.
We want to feel like she gets me, like she knows who I am and she knows all my bullshit and she loves me anyway.
That's what she wants to feel.
But she can't feel that when you're not with her.
You have to actually be like with her.
It's deeper than listening.
It's listening and intuiting her emotions and
you know, absorbing her beauty and her breath and her smell and just being with her, really seeing her.
And then when you say, of crazy about you, it means something.
It means something.
It means something that's so intense and she can't get it otherwise.
She can't get it otherwise.
Yeah.
And what's real and say more about that and what's scary for you and what a
about me that you find sexually repellent.
Really?
That's so interesting.
I hear you, yeah.
I might not change it unless I want to because she's pointing out something that I, sometimes she'll point out something that's resonant where you're like, wow, that's not
the man I wanna be.
And sometimes she says something where you're like, I guess I'm a pig that way.
You know what I mean?
And that's fine, but she feels heard.
And now, you know,
she can begin to that alchemy of finding that challenge perfect, that alchemy that comes from really making that true love surrender decision.
Which like I said, you don't go into that lightly.
People go into wedding vows lightly.
Lightly, I know that because then when I talk to the like...
relationship or even the marriage is disposable to them.
It's not a commitment.
Not at the time, there's just a lot of self lying, you know?
And I guess they know there's a way out...
What's that?
Yeah, my dog is all in on this, brother.
She is ride or die on this.
she's excited.
Well, it sounds like your dog needs a little love, man.
So what we're going to do is we're going to send these guys to your website at this point.
This has been a great conversation.
We could go on and on...
Exactly right, puppy.
would love to, but yeah, I get it.
There's places to go and people to piss off.
you're not talking like a guy who has the flu.
You sound like a guy who has, you know, perfect health.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, your fur baby needs some love.
So we're going to go ahead send these guys to the, uh, to the website.
These days you're doing something called howtoman.tv and I'm to send guys...
You know, obviously you can go there.
Howtoman.tv is pretty easy, but if you go to mountaintoppodcast.com/ howtoman with a T O ...H O W T O M A N
They're going to find uh your latest project.
What's up with that?
What are you doing over there, Alex?
Yeah, it's just a site where um all of my programs have been kind of redone in pretty video.
So they're all up there and you can kind of see what it is that we're doing, uh which is essentially to help men become themselves with women.
And it comes from a conversation I had with my friend Jennifer uh at a New Year's party.
And uh she said, you know, there's something that's so beautiful to watch about the way you man for your woman.
And she used it as a verb.
And she's like, I would love to sit and have a conversation about how you man for her.
And I just think it would be really enlightening.
And then a couple of other people joined the group.
And pretty soon I was kind of unpacking how to man for a woman, in
way I did it specifically, which is not really what the program is about.
The program isn't about the way I do it.
It's about finding the way you do it.
But yeah, it covers, you know, everything from sexuality to dating to deepening relationships and marriages.
And I don't know, I'm super high on it.
I think it's a beautiful endeavor and it's been incredibly rewarding.
Mountaintoppodcast.com/howtoman.
Also, when you go to the members area, I'd be remiss if I didn't give you links to Revolutionary Sex, Power Switch, Playmate Switch, and also something you call TEC, which
is total ejaculation control.
And you're very vociferous about this isn't your typical, you know, PE program.
This has got completely different content.
So I'm excited to send those guys to that.
So guys, all those are there for you in the members area as well.
Alex Allman, from beautiful San Diego, California nowadays.
Thank you for joining us, man.
It's been a great conversation and I think an essential one.
Thanks.
Yeah, I really appreciate you, brother.
Yeah And guys if you haven't checked out our sponsors lately Um, let me tell you something Origin in Maine over the past couple years, Jocko Willink, and Pete and the guys over
there...
Pete Roberts and the guys over there have just come out with a whole line that will dress you up as a man and you know authentically without pretending.
All made in the United States.
The jeans and the boots, you know, the boots are the most amazing shoes i've ever worn.
I wear them every opportunity I possibly can and...
Now they've got different kinds of shorts, different kinds of shirts.
Of course, the BJJ guis are all still there, but they've really stepped up their game.
And man, you won't believe the catalog that Origin has.
If you haven't been there in a while, use the coupon code "mountain10" to get 10 % off anything you find in Jocko Willinks company's catalog.
I think you guys are going to love it.
I sure do.
Hero Soap.
If you're one of these long haired guys, you know, you know,
I used to know a guy in the Marines and as soon as he got out of the Marines all he did was grow his hair because he was so sick of having short cropped hair.
Hey man, it's cool, but you're gonna need to learn how to use conditioner, but you don't want to use your chick's conditioner.
Hero Soap has got you handled gentlemen.
Hero Soap conditioner for men.
Imagine such a thing.
They've got it.
It's yours for the low low price of whatever he's charging for it and you can get it in manly scents.
That's the newest thing going on over there.
And of course, as always,
I tell you what, is the mental image maybe not so good, but as a fact, it is rock solid.
I feel naked without my Keyport if I don't have it in my pocket every day.
This is not your grandfather's uh Swiss army knife.
Everything's in titanium nowadays.
It's just so cool.
Alright.
So those guys are at Keyport, actually Origin, Hero Soap or Keyport use the coupon code 10.
I'm sorry, "mountain10" and you'll get 10 % off your order.
Also gentlemen, um, let's get on the phone, have a few laughs and talk about where you are with your relationships with women or your relationship with who you think is the right
woman.
Uh, and maybe you're convinced she's the right woman and you're probably right about that, if you are convinced.
Let's talk about that.
I want to hear what's on your mind.
Get on my calendar at mountaintoppodcast.com where you'll also find my sponsors and you also find the free, download for the book, Sticking Points Solved and more, more, more.
One thing that I probably should mention to you is we made it so our websites are now loading faster than ever before um which is always a good thing as well.
So all of that and more is there for you at mountaintoppodcast.com and until I talk to you again real soon, this is Scot McKay from X & Y Communications in San Antonio, Texas.
Be good out there.