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Welcome to Real World Peaceful
Parenting, a podcast for parents

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that are tired of yelling,
threatening, and punishing their kids.

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Join mom and master certified parent
coach, Lisa Smith, as she gives you

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actionable step by step strategies
that'll help you transform your

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household from chaos to cooperation.

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Let's dive in.

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Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome to today's episode.

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I am absolutely thrilled
to be with you here today.

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So listen, I get it.

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You're busy.

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You probably have a to do list longer
than my target receipt right now.

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And if you've ever shopped to
target, you know exactly what I mean.

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So, and in an attempt to help
you stay regulated, I'm going

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to keep today's episode short,
sweet, and incredibly useful.

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Consider this one of my
many holiday gifts to you.

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Now, you know those moments
in parenting that just kind

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of stick with you, you know?

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Well, yesterday, I was a target,
pushing my cart down the holiday aisles.

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When I witnessed something that touched
my heart deeply, a mom was struggling, I

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mean really struggling, to stay regulated
while managing a cart overflowing with

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groceries and gifts, plus two little
girls that looked like they were

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about six and eight who were hanging
off the sides of the cart, making it

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difficult for her to push the cart.

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I could feel her stress, her overwhelm,
her rising frustration as she snapped

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at her daughters to just behave.

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I mean, it was palpable.

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I could feel it.

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And oh my goodness, how I wanted
to just put my hand on her shoulder

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and whisper, I see you, mama.

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I've been there.

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Take a breath.

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This moment, it's teaching your girl
something powerful about handling stress.

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And you have the power to
choose what that lesson will be.

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That's what I would love that mom to
know, which brings us to today's topic,

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the silent power of self regulation.

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Now if you've been a long time listener,
you know that we started 2024 with the

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declaration of the year of self regulation
and we've been working on it all year here

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throughout the different podcast episodes.

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And here we are in the holiday
season, the perfect opportunity to put

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everything we've learned into practice.

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These final weeks of the year, they're not
just about surviving the holiday chaos.

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They're about creating those
magical moments and those precious

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memories that your kids will
carry in their hearts forever.

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And guess what?

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Your ability to stay regulated
during this busy season is The secret

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ingredient to making it all happen.

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Here's the truth bomb.

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I want to drop right at the start.

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Your actions, they're teaching your
kids way more than your words ever will.

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Every single time you
take that deep breath.

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Instead of yelling, every pause before
responding, every moment you choose

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patience over frustration, you, yes
you, right now, are giving your kids a

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masterclass in emotional intelligence.

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Because here's what I always say,
and I want you to really let this

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sink in, our kids don't do what
we say, they do what we model.

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Let that land for a moment.

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They do what we model and I
want you to model, pause and

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respond rather than react.

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Let me share a story
from one of my clients.

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We'll call her Amy that
really brings this home.

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Amy came to me feeling frustrated about
her six year old's emotional outbursts.

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Amy said, I keep telling her to
calm down, but nothing works.

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Which makes me laugh because I always say
in the history of mankind, no one's ever

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calmed down from being told to calm down.

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And then one day during a
particularly challenging morning

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rush, Amy caught herself about
to lose it over spilled cereal.

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But instead of reacting, she took
a pause, took a deep breath, and

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said out loud, I'm feeling really
frustrated, but I can handle this.

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And you know what happened next?

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Her daughter started mimicking this
behavior during her own tough moments.

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Now, if consistently choosing
calm over chaos feels like an

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uphill battle, you're not alone.

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You are not alone.

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I mean, really, you are
so not alone in this.

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The good news, it all comes down to
two essential skills, self control

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and nervous system regulation.

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And you have me here by your side
to help you, support you, guide

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you, and hold you accountable.

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When you develop these skills, and yes,
they can be developed, you unlock what

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I like to call a parenting superpower.

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You can face stressful situations with
composure, model healthy responses,

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and demonstrate the power of patience.

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When you do this, you'll be teaching
emotional regulation through

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lived examples, not just words.

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It's powerful, right?

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Okay, but here's the million dollar
question I know you're asking.

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How do we actually do this, Lisa?

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How do we maintain our cool when
everything inside of us wants to react?

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Well, I always try to
have an answer for you.

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So let me break this down
into three practical steps.

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The first step is you need to recognize
your triggers and sometimes looking back.

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Is the easiest way to uncover this.

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So I want you to think about the
last time you lost your cool.

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What was happening in your body?

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Maybe your shoulders tense, your jaw
clenched, your breathing got shallow.

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You felt hot.

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If you're anything like me, when I get
triggered, I feel like there's a gorilla

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sitting on my chest and I literally can
hear the blood whooshing through my ears.

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Now, these my friends are called
physical cues and physical cues

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are your early warning system.

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And so I want you to start paying
attention to them, really know them

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and be on the lookout for them.

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Step two, create your pause button.

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This is where the magic happens.

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When you feel your early warning system,
when you feel those triggers signals.

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Imagine hitting a giant pause button and
just take four deep breaths in and out,

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in and out.

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I know it sounds simple,
but it's revolutionary.

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When you breathe deeply in and
out, you are telling your central

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nervous system that you are safe.

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You are helping physically
regulate your body.

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And then step three, choose your response.

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Don't just open your mouth
and let things fly out.

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Be intentional.

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Choose your response as you're pausing
or after the pause, ask yourself, what

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do I want to teach in this moment?

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Because here's the truth.

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You're always teaching something.

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The only question is what.

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Let me say that again.

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You're always teaching something.

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The only question is what.

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Okay, let's look at what pause and
respond might look like in real time.

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You know, those everyday holiday moments
that test the most regulated of humans.

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So picture this, you're trying to wrap
presents after the kids are in bed.

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You're exhausted, you're running low on
tape and patience, and suddenly you hear

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little feet patting down the hallway.

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Your first instinct might
be to snap in frustration.

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What if instead you use this as a chance
to model healthy stress management?

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Or how about this one for
those of you with teens?

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You're trying to coordinate family
photos for those holiday cards.

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You know, the ones you promised you'd send
out early this year, and your teenager

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is rolling their eyes, complaining that
these pictures are so cringe, and asking

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why they can't just stay in their room.

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Your blood pressure's rising
as you think about the

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photographer's cancellation policy.

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And how, if you don't leave right
now, you're going to be late.

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What if instead of getting into
a power struggle, you pause and

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you acknowledge their feelings.

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I hear you're not excited about this.

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I know it might feel awkward, but
I just love having those photos.

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And it's a beautiful gift you
give me when you're willing to

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go and smile in a couple of pics.

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And how about we look at the
photos together afterwards?

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And you can help choose the one we use.

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Pause and respond.

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And here's one I know
happens in practically every

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home during the holidays.

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Your kids are fighting over who
gets to put the star on the tree.

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A battle that seems to get
more heated every year.

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One's crying it's not fair!

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While the other's shouting,
but you never let me go first.

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And let's be honest, you're
tempted to just put the dang star

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up yourself on the tree, or snap.

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That's it!

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No one gets to do it.

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But what if, what if you take a pause?

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You take your four deep breaths.

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You ask, what do I want to teach?

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And use this as an opportunity
to model problem solving.

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You take that pause.

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You take those four breaths and
you say, I see you both really

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want to do this special job.

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Let's figure out a way to
make it work for everyone.

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Maybe each kid can take a turn
putting the star on the tree.

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Okay.

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You might be thinking, Lisa,
this all sounds great in theory,

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but how do I actually make this?

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My default response.

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When the holiday stress hits.

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Well, my friend, I've got you covered.

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Let's make this real and doable with two
powerful exercises that will help you

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build this muscle ready for the next week.

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I want you to do two things.

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First, start with a trigger tracker.

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Try saying that three times fast, jot
down the moments that push your buttons.

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What time of day was it?

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What was happening?

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Where did you feel it in your body?

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Really track the triggers.

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This is magic, I tell you.

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Magic.

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And I don't care if you write it down in
the notes section of your phone, on the

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back of a Target receipt, in a journal.

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Just jot it down.

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And then the second step
is to practice your pause.

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Set three random alarms
on your phone each day.

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And when they go off, wherever
you are, whatever you're doing,

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take four big, deep breaths.

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We're building the pause button muscle.

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And listen, I get it.

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This isn't easy, especially during
the holidays, when our stress levels

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are through the roof and our to
do lists are longer than Santa's.

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But here's the thing.

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What we're covering today
is actionable and helpful.

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And if you practice the steps I've
outlined, You will feel a difference.

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Now, maybe it feels like you're just
scratching the surface of regulation.

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I get that.

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Believe me.

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And I want you to know
that inside the hive.

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We work on this regularly
and we dive so much deeper.

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The Hive is where we work on
understanding your unique triggers

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in your unique parenting situation.

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Inside the Hive is where I help you
develop personalized regulation strategies

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and create practical tools that work
for your family during challenging

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times, like the holiday season.

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Our Hive members get access
to specific workshops.

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On emotional regulation, personalized
coaching on implementing these

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pause and respond techniques.

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And my favorite part, a community
of parents who are all working

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on staying regulated during real
life moments, just like these.

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So if you're ready to transform
these final weeks of 2024 and make

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self regulation your superpower,
then I want to invite you to

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come join us inside the hive.

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You can head over to the hive coaching.

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com to learn more and join.

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So we can make this
holiday season different.

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And memorable in the best of ways.

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So let's conclude with this.

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Every time you regulate yourself, you're
not just managing your own emotions.

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You're literally, literally
rewiring your child's understanding

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of how to handle big feelings.

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You're giving them a gift that will
serve them for their entire lives.

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And I want to end today's
episode with this powerful truth.

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Your children are always watching
you and learning from you.

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They're watching how you handle
stress, how you manage frustration,

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how you navigate overwhelming
moments just like that mom at Target.

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I so wish she could have pulled over on
the side for just a second and said, I'm

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overwhelmed and I'm going to take four
deep breaths because every time you choose

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calm over chaos, even if it's not perfect,
you're showing your kids what's possible.

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You're modeling for them
how to handle stress.

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Yeah.

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And I know you can do this.

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I know you've got it.

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I will be with you every step of the way.

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Okay, until next time, I'm
wishing you Peaceful parenting.

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Thanks for listening to Real
World Peaceful Parenting.

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If you want more info on how you
can transform your parenting,

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