Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents
that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids.
Join mom and master certified parent coach, Lisa Smith, as she gives you
actionable step by step strategies that'll help you transform your
household from chaos to cooperation.
Let's dive in.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today's episode.
I am absolutely thrilled to be with you here today.
So listen, I get it.
You're busy.
You probably have a to do list longer than my target receipt right now.
And if you've ever shopped to target, you know exactly what I mean.
So, and in an attempt to help you stay regulated, I'm going
to keep today's episode short, sweet, and incredibly useful.
Consider this one of my many holiday gifts to you.
Now, you know those moments in parenting that just kind
of stick with you, you know?
Well, yesterday, I was a target, pushing my cart down the holiday aisles.
When I witnessed something that touched my heart deeply, a mom was struggling, I
mean really struggling, to stay regulated while managing a cart overflowing with
groceries and gifts, plus two little girls that looked like they were
about six and eight who were hanging off the sides of the cart, making it
difficult for her to push the cart.
I could feel her stress, her overwhelm, her rising frustration as she snapped
at her daughters to just behave.
I mean, it was palpable.
I could feel it.
And oh my goodness, how I wanted to just put my hand on her shoulder
and whisper, I see you, mama.
I've been there.
Take a breath.
This moment, it's teaching your girl something powerful about handling stress.
And you have the power to choose what that lesson will be.
That's what I would love that mom to know, which brings us to today's topic,
the silent power of self regulation.
Now if you've been a long time listener, you know that we started 2024 with the
declaration of the year of self regulation and we've been working on it all year here
throughout the different podcast episodes.
And here we are in the holiday season, the perfect opportunity to put
everything we've learned into practice.
These final weeks of the year, they're not just about surviving the holiday chaos.
They're about creating those magical moments and those precious
memories that your kids will carry in their hearts forever.
And guess what?
Your ability to stay regulated during this busy season is The secret
ingredient to making it all happen.
Here's the truth bomb.
I want to drop right at the start.
Your actions, they're teaching your kids way more than your words ever will.
Every single time you take that deep breath.
Instead of yelling, every pause before responding, every moment you choose
patience over frustration, you, yes you, right now, are giving your kids a
masterclass in emotional intelligence.
Because here's what I always say, and I want you to really let this
sink in, our kids don't do what we say, they do what we model.
Let that land for a moment.
They do what we model and I want you to model, pause and
respond rather than react.
Let me share a story from one of my clients.
We'll call her Amy that really brings this home.
Amy came to me feeling frustrated about her six year old's emotional outbursts.
Amy said, I keep telling her to calm down, but nothing works.
Which makes me laugh because I always say in the history of mankind, no one's ever
calmed down from being told to calm down.
And then one day during a particularly challenging morning
rush, Amy caught herself about to lose it over spilled cereal.
But instead of reacting, she took a pause, took a deep breath, and
said out loud, I'm feeling really frustrated, but I can handle this.
And you know what happened next?
Her daughter started mimicking this behavior during her own tough moments.
Now, if consistently choosing calm over chaos feels like an
uphill battle, you're not alone.
You are not alone.
I mean, really, you are so not alone in this.
The good news, it all comes down to two essential skills, self control
and nervous system regulation.
And you have me here by your side to help you, support you, guide
you, and hold you accountable.
When you develop these skills, and yes, they can be developed, you unlock what
I like to call a parenting superpower.
You can face stressful situations with composure, model healthy responses,
and demonstrate the power of patience.
When you do this, you'll be teaching emotional regulation through
lived examples, not just words.
It's powerful, right?
Okay, but here's the million dollar question I know you're asking.
How do we actually do this, Lisa?
How do we maintain our cool when everything inside of us wants to react?
Well, I always try to have an answer for you.
So let me break this down into three practical steps.
The first step is you need to recognize your triggers and sometimes looking back.
Is the easiest way to uncover this.
So I want you to think about the last time you lost your cool.
What was happening in your body?
Maybe your shoulders tense, your jaw clenched, your breathing got shallow.
You felt hot.
If you're anything like me, when I get triggered, I feel like there's a gorilla
sitting on my chest and I literally can hear the blood whooshing through my ears.
Now, these my friends are called physical cues and physical cues
are your early warning system.
And so I want you to start paying attention to them, really know them
and be on the lookout for them.
Step two, create your pause button.
This is where the magic happens.
When you feel your early warning system, when you feel those triggers signals.
Imagine hitting a giant pause button and just take four deep breaths in and out,
in and out.
I know it sounds simple, but it's revolutionary.
When you breathe deeply in and out, you are telling your central
nervous system that you are safe.
You are helping physically regulate your body.
And then step three, choose your response.
Don't just open your mouth and let things fly out.
Be intentional.
Choose your response as you're pausing or after the pause, ask yourself, what
do I want to teach in this moment?
Because here's the truth.
You're always teaching something.
The only question is what.
Let me say that again.
You're always teaching something.
The only question is what.
Okay, let's look at what pause and respond might look like in real time.
You know, those everyday holiday moments that test the most regulated of humans.
So picture this, you're trying to wrap presents after the kids are in bed.
You're exhausted, you're running low on tape and patience, and suddenly you hear
little feet patting down the hallway.
Your first instinct might be to snap in frustration.
What if instead you use this as a chance to model healthy stress management?
Or how about this one for those of you with teens?
You're trying to coordinate family photos for those holiday cards.
You know, the ones you promised you'd send out early this year, and your teenager
is rolling their eyes, complaining that these pictures are so cringe, and asking
why they can't just stay in their room.
Your blood pressure's rising as you think about the
photographer's cancellation policy.
And how, if you don't leave right now, you're going to be late.
What if instead of getting into a power struggle, you pause and
you acknowledge their feelings.
I hear you're not excited about this.
I know it might feel awkward, but I just love having those photos.
And it's a beautiful gift you give me when you're willing to
go and smile in a couple of pics.
And how about we look at the photos together afterwards?
And you can help choose the one we use.
Pause and respond.
And here's one I know happens in practically every
home during the holidays.
Your kids are fighting over who gets to put the star on the tree.
A battle that seems to get more heated every year.
One's crying it's not fair!
While the other's shouting, but you never let me go first.
And let's be honest, you're tempted to just put the dang star
up yourself on the tree, or snap.
That's it!
No one gets to do it.
But what if, what if you take a pause?
You take your four deep breaths.
You ask, what do I want to teach?
And use this as an opportunity to model problem solving.
You take that pause.
You take those four breaths and you say, I see you both really
want to do this special job.
Let's figure out a way to make it work for everyone.
Maybe each kid can take a turn putting the star on the tree.
Okay.
You might be thinking, Lisa, this all sounds great in theory,
but how do I actually make this?
My default response.
When the holiday stress hits.
Well, my friend, I've got you covered.
Let's make this real and doable with two powerful exercises that will help you
build this muscle ready for the next week.
I want you to do two things.
First, start with a trigger tracker.
Try saying that three times fast, jot down the moments that push your buttons.
What time of day was it?
What was happening?
Where did you feel it in your body?
Really track the triggers.
This is magic, I tell you.
Magic.
And I don't care if you write it down in the notes section of your phone, on the
back of a Target receipt, in a journal.
Just jot it down.
And then the second step is to practice your pause.
Set three random alarms on your phone each day.
And when they go off, wherever you are, whatever you're doing,
take four big, deep breaths.
We're building the pause button muscle.
And listen, I get it.
This isn't easy, especially during the holidays, when our stress levels
are through the roof and our to do lists are longer than Santa's.
But here's the thing.
What we're covering today is actionable and helpful.
And if you practice the steps I've outlined, You will feel a difference.
Now, maybe it feels like you're just scratching the surface of regulation.
I get that.
Believe me.
And I want you to know that inside the hive.
We work on this regularly and we dive so much deeper.
The Hive is where we work on understanding your unique triggers
in your unique parenting situation.
Inside the Hive is where I help you develop personalized regulation strategies
and create practical tools that work for your family during challenging
times, like the holiday season.
Our Hive members get access to specific workshops.
On emotional regulation, personalized coaching on implementing these
pause and respond techniques.
And my favorite part, a community of parents who are all working
on staying regulated during real life moments, just like these.
So if you're ready to transform these final weeks of 2024 and make
self regulation your superpower, then I want to invite you to
come join us inside the hive.
You can head over to the hive coaching.
com to learn more and join.
So we can make this holiday season different.
And memorable in the best of ways.
So let's conclude with this.
Every time you regulate yourself, you're not just managing your own emotions.
You're literally, literally rewiring your child's understanding
of how to handle big feelings.
You're giving them a gift that will serve them for their entire lives.
And I want to end today's episode with this powerful truth.
Your children are always watching you and learning from you.
They're watching how you handle stress, how you manage frustration,
how you navigate overwhelming moments just like that mom at Target.
I so wish she could have pulled over on the side for just a second and said, I'm
overwhelmed and I'm going to take four deep breaths because every time you choose
calm over chaos, even if it's not perfect, you're showing your kids what's possible.
You're modeling for them how to handle stress.
Yeah.
And I know you can do this.
I know you've got it.
I will be with you every step of the way.
Okay, until next time, I'm wishing you Peaceful parenting.
Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting.
If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting,
visit the peaceful parent.com.
See you soon.